It's been emotional....but we have had duck in a tin!

We have finally left the house.  It's funny how emotional it was.  I wasn't expecting it but it's a little annoying to have finally managed to decorate it and turn the garden into a garden rather than a mud bath only to leave the country and rent it out! Oh well.

The kids have almost missed the whole process.  Admittedly Isobel had a slight fit when I had to stop her running into the newly cleaned house.  She was a little confused as to why she wasn't allowed into her home.  But after pulling every muscle in my body scrubbing the floor and wiping down the toilets, I couldn't bring myself to let her run in with her playdoh covered shoes! 

We had scheduled in our last day to be a day for the mammouth clean.  No kids, they were meant to be in nursery.  Just a day of scrubbing and dusting.  However, Arthur had different ideas.  Conjunctivitis ideas.  Nursery wouldn't let him in so he came to help.  Running around the house with a sharpie (i.e a pen that doesn't come off - no matter how hard you try!).  Not quite my idea of helping.  We finally left the house and headed off up North to visit family.  Straight onto the M25 and straight into the biggest jam we've ever had to deal with.  Two kids trying to kill each other squashed into the back due to the slightly overfilled car pushing their car seats together and a traffic jam.  It took an hour to go 2.5 miles.  And not a gin in sight. Oh the trauma.  But, with a positive view on things, I suppose it was preparing us for the Dhaka traffic.

The biggest challenge has probably been saying goodbye to my mum and dad.  They are old now, mid 70's.  But still young in spirit! They aren't the most emotional of people, well not when it comes to expressing it anyway.  I've never really been able to talk properly to them about the depression, I just wasn't sure how they would react.  When my mum and I did talk about it it was clear that she had had challenges too and in an era when it was a lot less talked about.  She is emotional about us going.  It really dawned on me that one day she won't be here and for all the times you think your mum is nagging or whatever, the positives easily outweigh all of that and one day she won't be there on the end of the phone chatting away about someone in the house next door and whether they have or haven't cut their hedges.  She says she won't see the kids grow into adults, unless she lives for another 12 years which is possible as I pointed out! She said she won't see me open my little B and B I'd like to open in the Cheviots where I would bake sourdough for breakfast and feed to weary walkers.  Our leaving for Dhaka has made her think about all of this and made me feel even more emotional about leaving.  Isobel likes to just look at me and ask "why mummy crying?"....

Anyway, on a different and more uplifting note we have eaten the duck in a tin.  What a delight it was!  I was hoping to share some photos but they won't upload so a description will have to do - the tin was opened, and inside there was a mass of duck fat (mmh, yum...?).  Hiding beneath were 5 duck legs, already cooked, just waiting the reheat.  Into a pan for a few minutes and then out onto a plate, complete with lovely green beans and baked potatoes with rosemary and garlic.  The result?  A lovely lovely meal.  The french sure know how to tin a duck!

This post is for Becca who isn't worried about photos of duck in a tin and looked after me so well last night with pizza and red wine! Thank you.

So, it's been a while

A whole month in fact. Life has gone a bit mad. In between the joy of little Isobel dressed as an angel (I even gave her a halo....it was a bit big though and kept falling down!) for her nativity and Arty eating his weight in Christmas pudding, my sleep has not improved. It's beginning to drive me mad, all the coping strategies I've tried have worked a little and then stopped. I have no spare room to escape to as we have the nephew with us still, and now over Xmas we have an extra 5 people in the house. For some reason it's stressing me, making me feel a bit trapped. I had a little panic attack on the train this morning. It was going so slowly and was so full I just wanted to get off and had to practice my deep.breathing techniques to calm myself!

I am wondering if its related to the mirena coil being fitted. I wasn't sleeping that well before it was but it hasn't got any better and my anxiety has increased.....but then maybe its not that and just me! So the other night, at 1 am when the whole fact I was still awake was driving me mad, I found myself sitting on the sofa crying. I just feel so fed up that the insomnia is back and I control it or find the solution or cause. Eventually Peter reminded me of the words of the doctor from a few weeks ago, who suggested taking the anti depressants again if it got worse until we could find out what else was going on. So I did. And oh god I've felt quite rough and also quite disappointed. Disappointed that I'm taking these things when I don't believe I'm depressed. Disappointed that for 4 years now I've not felt myself and that it doesn't seem to have gone away despite all my best efforts. Disappointed that I've not been able to control my sleep disturbance.
But on the positive side I've made an appointment with the doctor and am going to push to see a specialist who can actually talk me through these things. I'm also going away with work and am really looking forward to that, albeit quite nervous. I used to travel loads before having kids, now I'm wondering if I'll be able to....it's like my confidence has gone!

So, I'm not ending the year as I hoped but am still in a better place I think than this time last year! Onwards and upwards.

What no sleep?

Oh this is so boring this disturbed sleep.  I thought I would write about it.  It's 2.45am. I don't think I've been to sleep yet. I've got a sore throat and cough and feel lousy but can't sleep. Back of my mind?  I need to sleep to get better.  Result, no sleep.

So, I have basically been sleeping fine until I came back from holiday, about 7 weeks ago.  Since then, sleep all over the place.  I am trying to remain calm, getting all wound up doesn't help.  Some days I'm better at that than others.  Like today. I felt this wave of panic surging over me that was heading towards want to have a good shout.  But I have kept it down.  It's not the end of the world.  I've tried to think about what has triggered this? Nephew staying? Peter going away 3 times? Stress (about some weird thing I don't recognise as the annoying thing is that there is nothing going through my head!).....The doctors have said listen to Paul McKenna, get up, drink hot milk and so on. Take anti depressants.. That scared me.  I don't feel depressed at the moment. I have been taking magnesium supplements and since then have been feeling much calmer.

So, I don't know.  I know it's annoying and I know I'm tired, but I have some good days and some bad. It's a pain though. I just want to sleep. Maybe that's my problem. Stop wanting it. Maybe I should get up and make bread. Or even croissants which frankly would at least mean a good breakfast!

What is it I am doing wrong?

I am at a loss. Maybe it is worse because Peter is away and I'm not getting much rest from looking after the kids, not getting out for my so important runs and so on. But I am beginning to despair. Isobel is just so mean to her brother. She is such hard work, so demanding, so full of screams just because she wants to go outside, then she doesn't, then she does so she just screams and shouts for ages.  It does my head in sometimes. Then on top of that she is so mean to her brother. She takes everything away from him, shuts doors on him, pushes him over etc etc. He now cowers when she goes near him.

It breaks my heart. It brings a strange feeling of real sadness with real anger. I see other people with lovely photos of their little ones laughing and smiling together. I have none. She has never really laughed and smiled with him, just hit him.

I don't know what to do. Is she angry that he came along and took attention away from her? Probably but she still gets loads of attention, cuddled, isobel time and so on. Her behaviour just attracts negative attention. Does she have some other behaviour issue linked to me having PND for most of her first years of life which wasnt picked up!

Is she angry that Peter has gone away and so is wanting constant attention from me even if it means being put on time out.  What scares me is that momentarily I feel like I'm slipping back into those thoughts I had when the PND was still here. Mainly I just want a break and I want Isobel to not clobber her brother. I'm secretly longing for the day he is bigger than her and clobbers her back!

It's been a tough old day...

Oh my.  Is it the PND? I don't think so.  I think it's just one of those things - too little sleep, too much screaming!

I have had a rough old day.  It started rough - burst nappies and poo everywhere, no babywipes in sight, screaming Arthur!  I didn't sleep well so was tired anyway.  Isobel woke up and was in quite a delightful mood but then Daddy phoned - obviously I'm pleased Peter phoned but I do wonder if that is what sets them off.  And if they are 'set off' then I end up being 'set off' when I've not had enough sleep.  Peter is on the phone, Isobel is attempting to talk to him but can't and so just walks off with the phone, comes back and tries to get Arty to speak to him.  It's a failure.  The line is very bad.  They can't really hear him but are aware that he is there.  He is trying to talk to them, Isobel starts jumping on Arthur, Peter is trying to say hello to Arthur, Arthur is saying 'dada, dada' and then I just have to go.  We are already very late in leaving to go to a party in the lovely Portsmouth and they aren't paying any attention and I can't hear Peter to talk to him myself!

So, we're all a bit fraught after that.  In the car on the way down we're doing OK - they are both doing really well considering the length of time we have to spend in the car.  Don't they just sleep is often the question I am asked? Sleep? You're having a laugh.  Isobel spent the entire journey saying 'mama' (not sure where that has come from) and wanting to play I-spy.....

But then disaster struck - my phone froze and sent us off (via sat nav) on some random journey which meant we were even later than late....and Arthur starting screaming (hunger) and Isobel started screaming (?sympathy?) and we were lost somewhere in the suburbs of Portsmouth.  I had a meltdown in the car.  I just wanted some silence so I could concentrate on not ending up in Southampton!

At the party I thought everything would be good.  Isobel and Arty know everyone and there were lots of kids to entertain them and adults to talk to them! But no.  Arty didn't want to stop crying unless I held him and Isobel didn't want to be anywhere except clinging on to me!  I couldn't even go to the toilet!  I don't think it helped me eat a good balanced lunch that's for certain!

Eventually it got too much, the screaming, the clinging - I just flipped - I couldn't help it.  I rushed to find a space, any space where I could just be on my own (and ideally scream really really loudly!).  But there wasn't really anywhere and the only place I could think of was the toilet - but I had a clinging daughter and I just shouted 'Isobel, leave me alone'.  Then I felt so very terrible for shouting.  Luckily, old friends were all around so they managed to remove her from my leg and then took me off for a walk to have a bit of space.

It's funny, I don't know how single parents do it.  Perhaps they have lots of family close by - we don't. It reminds me of when Arthur was very small and Peter was busy with work every evening for about 3 months.  I was beside myself - having to do all the baths, all the nappies, dealing with all the screaming.  Friends all help out - but no one can help during the witching hour as they are all doing it themselves!

Isobel basically wanted to cling onto me again once I was back.  Arty was asleep but soon started crying again when he woke up.  I wondered if it's because they had been reminded that daddy wasn't there.  Is it right or wrong to get them to talk to him when he is away? He wants to speak to them but I'm wondering whether it just upsets them as well as me?

The journey home consisted of more screaming, long traffic jams and a bit more screaming.  I screamed in the car.  I just wanted to be home, asleep and not stuck in a car with yet more screaming.

So, is it PND? No, I odn't think so.  I think I got out of bed the wrong side and stayed that way and just lost all ability to calmly ignore the day!  Perhaps because I've had two clinging children every day for over a week and just want to go for a little walk on my own and not to the office!

Oh well.  White wine and chocolate cake for tea.  Not the healthiest, but very very nice!

Where is Noah's Ark?

So apparently we are in a state of drought. We have a hose pipe ban. We have water butts. I know the rain is ideally meant to come in the winter, to recharge the groundwater.....but since they announced the drought restrictions what has happened? Rain. Rain. Rain. Oh my god I feel I am slowly going mouldy! I might even have to get Isobels toy ark out and prepare it for a great get away!

The trouble with rain is that the kids get all grumpy. They don't go outside as much. The sky is dark. It's not good for someone just over PND whose husband has gone away for a month and who is longing to see the sun! If its still raining tomorrow I think we might well build some toy boats and take them out somewhere in the garden to see where they go!

So, its day 4 of no Peter. Everything is just a rush. Rush to get dressed and have breakfast before the kids get up, rush to get them ready and to nursery, rush to get the train (I have borrowed Peter's brompton to save time.....ha ha, how everyone looked at me as I tried to remember how to fold it up and ended up covered in oil!), rush to get to the office, rush to get all the work done, rush to get home....oh and eventually remember to eat my lunch.....and so on.

I have however learnt from the past year and my struggles with depression. I am therefore going to try to make things easy for myself. One thing that is going for the month is my attempt to cook all the Jamie O recipes. I love cooking. I find it relaxing but I also need to find tume to just sit in the evening and rest. Overdoing it was one of the many causes of the PND I think.

Last time Peter went away for this long was just before Arthur was born. I remember how I felt. At the time there was no mention of depression but I knew something wasn't right, I just didn't really admit it to myself let alone anyone else. I remember lying on the floor screaming alongside Isobel who was also screaming. I just thought how I had had enough, how I was such a bad mother, how I resented my daughter and my husband for changing my life in such a dramatic way, how I didn't think I could cope with another child and so on. I was distraught. I then felt terribly guilty for having these thoughts, convinced myself that that meant I was a terrible mother.

Looking back on it I think it was a sign that the depression was there, that I was exhausted and needed help. I wish I had acted on that then but the next day I felt fine. It's easy not to talk to someone when you feel ok, they need to be there when you are having a really bad day.

I still have bad days when I wonder what on earth I am doing. I know now that everyone does. But I also see all the positives and am able to take a deep breath and laugh about the situation rather than cry. I thank my health visitor, husband and friends for that. Oh, and those little pills I was so scared of taking!

Now we are three.....

And so far, we've been quite a challenge!  I find going to work to be a huge relief - is that wrong?  At work I can go to the toilet with no one wanting to get me out, scream at me, hit her brother and so on and so on.

Isobel has been crying.  A lot.  It's as though she turned three and decided to turn on the tears.  This sometimes brings me to tears.  Everything ends up being some form of tantrum or meltdown.  OK, so I might be exaggerating but that is how it feels!  I see other 3 year olds sitting there, quietly getting on with their jigsaw puzzle or drinking their drink and I wonder how they manage it as mine screams or runs around like a nutter!  It's not as though I don't try to discipline her - I've tried focusing on the 'big stuff' and not nit picking.  I've tried rewards/stickers.  I've tried the 'time out step'.  I'm worn out from trying!  I find myself blaming myself for having done something wrong - does she resent the fact that I'm back at work? Does she resent the fact that Arthur came along? Does she get enough to eat? Too much? Enough sleep? Too much?  I'm tired.  I'm tired of dreading my days off when she wakes up screaming and continues all day.  She is so lovely when she's calm and relaxed and playing but recently she just hasn't been doing that all that much!  Is it the PND, is it still there making me more sensitive or is it just her? Just a phase she is going through?

Juggling work and children is tiring.  I think it's tiring because you almost want your days at home with them to be lovely and to do lots of fun things.  So it's sad when they aren't and when your children don't seem to be happy.  The constant rushing from a to b - to drop them off, pick them up, make sure there is something to eat, pay the bills, get up earlier than normal is tiring too.  There also seems to be less time to see your partner!  I've taken than on too - trying to book in some time with babysitters so we can go out to the pub or something.  Peter is lovely, but he is also quite happy to just be in, putting the children to bed and sitting on the sofa (not necessarily watching TV as we have TV free nights!). I like that too, but I also want to feel like a person again - not just a mother to two lovely children!  A couple of hours out every now and then can make all the difference!

Anyway, I shouldn't moan.  We are all quite happy really and I'm lucky to have such great children and a lovely husband, however much they might challenge me at times!

An end to counselling....and waste?

So it's been a busy week or so. Getting back into the routine of getting kids to nursery and ourselves into and out of work on time has been fun! It's actually worked ok so far.....I write this as I wait for the train in the cold with the sun barely up.....

My team are good. They all have kids at differing stages of life and put value on spending time with them - they are mainly male and have mainly commented on how they feel they missed out on their kids when they were little and wish they hadn't worked as much! So i get in lovely and early, running along the river from London Bridge to get my all important run in....its nice at that time of day as there aren't too many people meandering everso slowly and stopping to take pictures every 3 seconds.  The only problem is that having run, I feel the need for a second breakfast once I'm in the office....a bit like a hobbit, or my children who have a second breakfast at nursery apparently which they wolf down.....the nursery must think we starve them!

I went to see the counsellor the other day. We had booked in an appointment for after I had gone back to work to see how things were going. It was a good session. We talked about the change that work had brought, a good change, and the upcoming visit to the doctor to talk about the pills and the PND. I feel like I am in a completely different place to how I felt last summer. I hope I'm not speaking too soon.  I will reflect on things which have changed for the better in another blog, a lot if it recently relates to going back to work and how being back has helped equalise the workload at home....

The counsellor thinks I'm in a good place. I do too. So I'm not signed up for more. The door is open if I need to but for now things are going well. The counselling has helped and I would recommend it to anyone struggling after the changes that having babies can bring.

Being back at work has been interesting. The work is good and north managing anyone, unlike when I went back after Isobel, is a breath of fresh air. I have also managed to finish one book and am half way through another - its he first time since Arthur was born that I've read a whole book (if you don't count The gruffalo and the short version of the Jungle Book that is).  It has also got me thinking about our impact on the planet, the planet which Isobel and Arthur have been born onto and one in which more than 2.6 billion people don't have access to adequate sanitation....So I have been thinking waste. Not human waste buy landfill waste and resource use.

I think our family are quite good really. The biggest problem is the nappy one. Tried those biodegradable nappies and had to use twice as many as they just didn't hold the poo in....then there was all the washing of sheets from the leaks they left! Anyway, ignoring the nappies for now (I know) I have been pondering how we reduce our use of plastics without spending huge amounts more money. Milk in glass bottles from the milkman would be great but is a lot more expensive. So what to do? Well to start with I am stopping buying coffee in throw away cups....it might mean no more frothy milk but it will make me feel better. Then a friend suggested a waste audit to see what exactly we throw away. I think I already know but might do it anyway over the coming weeks.

Onto a lighter note, I went to a sugarcraft exhibition last weekend. The cakes were amazing. All made by people who have an artistic flair that I lack....although I will be trying my hand at some hello kitty cupcakes!

Feeling a bit emotional

I go back to work in Monday. I can't believe it. Maternity leave goes so quickly. I'm lucky too as I've been off for a year. It's been a mixed year with its highs and lows but overall it's been lovely to have this time with Arthur and more time with Isobel. I wish I hadn't had post natal depression but there we go. I have shed a few tears today - my last day with just Arthur. I don't think this is anything to do with PND, just normal I should think. It seems harder this time as I know we won't have any more so I won't have a time like this again. I have huge respect for mums who stay at home to bring up children, its hard work and often goes unrecognised by society. I couldn't do it. That's why for me I know I have to go back, albeit part time. It will have its challenges, especially next week when emotions will ne running high. Fingers crossed Arthur will be ok at nursery and I can eat my porridge on the train at some ridiculous time of the morning without crying!

For our last journey out together, Arthur and I went back to the Cricketers in Clavering to meet a friend. It was a beautiful day so we sat outside and gave him his first al fresco dining experience......which didn't involve this lovely pavlova - that was mine, all mine. And very delicious (and surely must be good for you, I mean its mainly egg white with some dairy....isn't it?)

We made the cake and made a smurf!

Papa's cake - he loves all things Russian

So, Isobel and I made grandpa's cake. Dairy free so granny could eat it. Entertainingly, Isobel decided to wipe the blue food colouring on her hands, and her face, and her hair, and in her mouth......and we had our very own smurf! Luckily the snow washed it off.

Daddy made a snowman. Isobel didn't really help.  Arthur went sledging and so did mummy and daddy.  Felt really quite young again!

Today has been a harder day. Don't know why really.  Tired I think.  Peter sat up til 315 watching the superbowl (he used to live in America and still has his American ways about him!). His team won so he has been very happy all day!  I haven't been sleeping too well though.  Not sure if its the going back to work thing or the fact Arthur is going to nursery tomorrow for first of his settling in days. Will be quite a shock. He doesn't seem old enough!  The counsellor asked me if I was ready for him to go.....am I? I don't know.  And mum isn't too good at the moment.  Maybe its just all happening at once. More chocolate might help I think.

Snow at Granny's House

Things I learnt today

And I also wrote this one and pressed the wrong button and it all went away! Doooooh.

Oh well.  So, I went to Wisley today.  I love Wisley (as you know).  It was very cold but the sun was out (my favourite type of weather).  I went to see some old family friends, one of whom is very poorly with cancer. 

I learnt a few things whilst out and about though, including:

• Henry VIII had an older brother called Arthur, who died and therefore the crown passed to him (bypassing his sister who I think is in that book 'She Wolves' which I gave Peter for Xmas to which he said 'is this more feminist propaganda'? Men, honestly);
• That 33 children have died in custody since 1990;
• That Woman's Hour (Radio 4) had run a part of their programme on favouring one child over another which sparked a whole load of responses, including this one on a blog:
•  http://bluebirdsunshine.wordpress.com/2012/01/12/favouring-one-child-over-another/

It made me think about last week when I had a bad day.  Isobel was being particularly challenging and I was being particularly sensitive!  I've been trying to keep a note of when I have bad days to see if they fit with any pattern - in particular hormonal ones!  Nothing yet, but let's see.  A friend came over and witnessed the Isobel tantrum in full flow - I lost count of how many she had in the space of a few hours!  Not because she wasn't allowed to do something like have a toy or watch TV, but because she was sooooo frustrated at wanting to do something which she isn't yet capable of doing (or it isn't safe to do - like scooter in the car park!.  My friend made me feel better as she couldn't think of anything else I could try to do differently to try to reduce the number of tantrums!  I managed to get her (Isobel that is, not the friend!) to go to sleep at lunch time for the following few days - a miracle as that isn't something she likes to do at the moment.  It made a massive difference but by the end of the week (yeeks, it's Friday tomorrow!), she is so tired it starts all over again.

My friend is lovely.  She's an honest parent.  I know lots of honest parents now - ones who tell you when they have had a bad day, how hard they find it at times etc. (as opposed to the ones who have angels for children, and are no doubt already fluent in latin and greek at the age of 3 and only ever eat fruit, vegetables and never any cake!).  Honest parents make you feel better and keep that smile on your face even when everything inside is screwed up in a ball! I love Isobel really.  She is quite delightful most of the time.  She can also be highly independent, spirited, challenging, difficult....oh how many ways to describe it!

So, what are we currently doing to let her have more independence?  Well, much is the same as others - choose which of 2 tops to wear, put things in the bin, go to the toilet herself - and now, I purchased a small jug (cheap, doesn't matter if Arthur grabs it and engages it in his current game of 'I wonder what will happen if I throw this on the floor') which she can have milk in and add to her cereal in the morning to avoid the meltdowns when she realises she can't lift the large milk carton as it's too heavy!  Let's see what happens tomorrow.

Tomorrow.  Apparently it might snow.  We will mainly be making grandpa a birthday cake.  We have a plan.  And Isobel has found him some lovely pink candles.  Bring it on.

Toddler taming - terrible twos?

I just realised that the photo of the brows is really quite scary.  Obviously they have now been plucked to a proper shape and are no longer Charlie Chaplin type brows!!

So, it's been another one of those days.  Can't decide if its a bit of PND, just a challenging day with a toddler or a combination of the two together with the fact I appear to have got tonsillitis.  Maybe it was too much running last night......

Arthur is tired.  Too many parties (they went to Pooh Corner at the weekend and played Pooh Sticks!) and too little sleep I think.  Yesterday, Isobel slept at lunchtime for the first time in ages!  3 hours she had!  I tried again today to try to ward off the monster behaviour....but no.

A friend said a few weeks ago that everyone warned her about the terrible twos, but no one mentioned the potential even more terrible threes!  Isobel is turning towards three.  Has behaviour got better????? Errrr, no. Not at all.  I thought I was getting better coping strategies but honestly. 

So, I turned to a recommended book last night - 'New Toddler Taming', Australian I think.  I read through the recommendations - things that work (as opposed to shouting, smacking and the like which don't work apparently):

- time out (we've used this, doesn't appear to work - but then I think perhaps a different take on it might work?  See it, as the book says, as time out to cool down rather than as punishment - so, note to self on that one);
- diversion - this can work, but with a baby who still doesn't move and is therefore crying a lot with frustration, trying to divert both of them at the same time is a challenge!  If I divert Isobel's attention towards Arthur, then she hits him! Pretending that Baloo the bear is coming does work (she has a fixation on the jungle book at the moment) but when I mentioned Shere Khan might be coming she said 'really, can I see him' and basically didn't believe me!;
- using rewards rather than punishment.... we tried this before, she wasn't interested in stickers but was interested in Peppa Pig or biscuits!  However, the book stresses the need to focus on rewards, not bribery.

This afternoon we set about making a reward chart which combines it all.  Stickers for positive actions and if she gets a certain number a day she can watch one Peppa Pig!  Let's see whether it works.  So far it's ok but I can see the danger signs - as soon as she knows she has a certain number of stickers, a quick clip round Arthur's ear seems to emerge!!!  Oh the joys of toddlers.

Now, where is my gin.

And the wind bloweth

My goodness it's windy today! Quite horrible.  Glad I'm indoors.  I hate this weather.  The wind really gets to me, makes me quite unsettled and irritable. 

So, Christmas is over, the new year is here and that means that I have two months until I go back to work.  Can't believe it.  Maternity leave this time seems to have gone so quickly.  Arthur still isn't really moving much (he loves to stand but not to move....apparently quite normal for a boy...).  Isobel has gone to nursery today for the first time in 2 weeks - she was not a happy bunny.  We had such a lovely afternoon yesterday when I took them both out for a walk and there were millions of muddy puddles to jump in!  On my run later that evening I thought about how I needed to try to enjoy and appreciate every second of my day with them both, however hard it is at times, as they won't be little for long.

Anyway, Christmas.  We now have a house full of yet more Peppa Pig stuff - stickers, jigsaws, books, slippers......all we need is the real thing!  Isobel had a great time with her cousins - she has 7 - they looked after her, played with her, took her to the park and generally entertained her endlessly.  Then she came home to the dullness of just her mummy, daddy and Arthur.  She has been swinging Mary (the doll) back and forth in one of those tipptioes things which hangs from the door frame.  This has proved to be great fun.  The only problem is that when Arthur is in it she swings him almost as energetically!

I have had time to reflect a little over Christmas, in part to help me think about what I'd like to achieve this year.  Some reflections:

- I have two gorgeous children.  Yes, they are a challenge at times but they are still gorgeous.

- My husband isn't too bad either (;-))

- No one tells you the truth about being a mum - certainly not about labour and birth and certainly not afterwards.  It takes a long time I think for people to be honest about how challenging they find it at times. 

- I tried to do too much too soon after both children.  It was hard not too.  It is definately in my genes not to sit still.  Perhaps this contributed to exhaustion which contributed (perhaps) to the PND.

- I seem to have set myself very high benchmarks and as a result can drive myself to accomplish a lot in a day rather than being more flexible and perhaps more realistic about what life with two little ones is really like.

- I love to bake.  I love to eat baked goods.  I suppose I should try to reduce this a little in the interest of health health.

- I love to run.  It gives me a sense of freedom.  In the past I used to just put my trainers on and go.  It was easy without children as you could go whenever you wanted.  Now it's harder but I've found a way to do it (with Peter's help) and it has made me feel so much better.

- I do a lot to please other people - my parents, Peter, my children etc. but perhaps not enough to make myself happy at times.

I could go on.  Needless to say I have been thinking about the challenges this year will bring - going back to work being one and all the changes that will mean (Arthur into nursery, the mad dash to get to nursery and back to the train etc - whether there will be any space on the overcrowded and overpriced train is another matter!).  So, I thought about some resolutions, some of which I'll share here (others are for me, and maybe for Peter only!)

- Keep up my running 3 times a week and enter a race to have a goal to work towards

- Exercise some portion control when eating cake!

- Try to do less each day - maybe just one activity a day rather than filling my day with things to do and things for the children to do

- Do more sewing (to offset the baking!)

- Appreciate every second I have with Isobel and Arthur

- Appreciate every second I have with Peter

- Delegate more at home and keep challenging myself as to whether I really have to do that thing I think I have to do!

I'd like to be back to my normal self this time next year.  Off the pills.  Rich, slim and toned (ok, I can dream).  Happy basically, and healthy too.

Summer is on the way!

Yes, today is the shortest day of the year.  It always makes me happy - it means the days are getting longer again from tomorrow and summer is on it's way!  A real reason for celebration.

I went to the doctor yesterday having been on the pills for 6 months now.  I wanted to get an idea about what happens next.  Whilst in there I bumped into the counsellor - obviously he didn't recognise me but it reminded me to comment on it to the doctor.  No apologies made.  Just 'well, he is a man, and maybe has a different approach to a woman....'.  Anyway, the doctor wants me to continue with the medication until March - basically for two main reasons:

• the weather (dull, damp, dark, short days etc etc)
• going back to work in early March and the changes that might bring (positive or negative)

I think that's sensible.  Part of me wants to rush to come off them, but the other part of me doesn't want to end up like I was in the summer again.  So, the pills continue.

Then last night I went to see the counsellor.  It was helpful, although Peter feels that he's been saying these things to me anyway - I think it's perhaps an issue of you owning it yourself.  It's ok for other people to say things, make suggestions, all of which might be highly sensible.  But, for me at least, it seems that unless you own it, you don't take it onboard and act on it.  'Ownership'.  A great word. I remember trying to get Peter to 'own' his dinner choices when I wasn't going to be around - I could tell him what was in the fridge that he might like to eat but I could tell he wasn't paying a huge amount of attention.  So to help with health health and to avoid the 'what can I eat' question later on, I used to encourage him to own it (so, basically he would tell me what he could have for dinner) - ha ha, how ridiculous!  I should have just left him to his own devices.  He could have eaten a kebab for dinner (healthy don't you know - they have salad in them!) and it doesn't really matter.  

Anyway, so the counsellor got me thinking.  I realised yesterday quite how often I say 'I have to do this' or 'I should do that'.  It was when I said to Peter that I had to make the soup for dinner that it struck me that perhaps I try to do too much.  I've never been good at sitting still.  I suppose I've always had the view that you have one life and so I tried to pack as much into as possible.  Anyway, I think that it has something to do with the PND - after Isobel and Arthur were born I remember baking cakes and trying to just get on with life - perhaps almost as though nothing has changed.  Instead I should have been sitting and resting and drinking tea perhaps.  Too late now.

So, I have to challenge myself and Peter is going to help - everytime I rattle off a list of all the things I say I have to do, I need to ask 'do I have to do that? does it need to be done? will I enjoy doing it? who am I feeling I have to do it for' and so on.  Let's see what happens!

On reflection, a few things I think have really helped me this year with the PND, apart from the pills:

• turning off the doom and gloom on the radio in the morning and putting on some dance tunes
• running
• having more prepared meals (though we think we need to kickstart this again)
• having more time to myself and more nights out with Peter
• baking new things (it's the achievement I like and the time it can give for some peace and quiet)
• drinking more water
• having a mantra in my head - like on returning from a run in the morning at the weekend 'it doesn't matter if the table is dirty and there is weetabix on the floor, we can clean it up later'

The fairy tree

Oh my, a week to go until Christmas. On my run this evening I was comparing outdoor lights - from the blue icicles to the rapid flashing to the full on inflatable snowmen blowing in the wind. No need for street lights really, could save the council a few pounds!

On a walk in the woods yesterday we came across a fairy tree which the fairies had chosen for decoration this year. Apparently nicer than others which are decorated with mill bottles and cds. Isobel was very excited about the fairies!

So I have been to see the new counsellor. She seems nice and is much more organised than the other one. Maybe that's part of my issue - I have always been quite am organised person and as everyone tells me, its much harder with children as they don't always do what you want or expect and you can't reason with them. But knowing that and knowing I should go with the flow more is easily said....but harder to do!next session is Tuesday.

Yes more stollen

So I seem to be making another stollen. Peter didn't get any of the last one and was feeling most put out so to distract me from my job application and the ridiculous wind and rain outside I have started my stollen - with pecan nuts in it though to use them up! Bake, bake, bake....diet starts in January I think.

Seem to have started my baking a bit late tonight. Arthur is teething so already been awake twice. Have been trying out hewletts cream on his rash from all that dribble! Anyway. So much for my early night while peter was away.

Off to see new counsellor on Wednesday. Having said something to the doctor about the
NHS counsellor I've now had three texts from him saying to text if I need to see him. Seems to me that if you are seeing a counsellor with PND it shouldn't be up to you to pewter them and make your appointments for them. Not sure its the best use of precious NHS resources.....I am hoping this new, non-NHS counsellor can help me more.

Must eat more healthily

One of the pieces of advice for PND is to make sure you eat properly. Not been very good today. It started well with some fruit and fibre and I even managed an Apple, some blueberries and pomegranate at lunch. But seem to have eaten another large piece of stollen (will there be any left for peter?), a Tim tam, some toast and some ice cream!

Then this evening I made some mini pecan tarts in preparation for the weekend. Not made them before as was intrigued by cream cheese in the pastry. Could not believe they would come out of the tin but they did (Jamie o mini bites tin, very good). And even more excitingly they have bourbon in! Yum. Only eaten one which am pleased about. Must put them away!

Pinterest

So, Mrs Wonky Pocket suggested I join Pinterest and so I have! It's quite fun but I can see myself spending many an hour just looking for pictures to add!!! I've been going through old photo albums looking back at some of the places I worked in/visited all those years ago before the little ones came along.  One day perhaps we can take them to some of these places.  Between us I reckon we've done quite well on the travel front although South America remains to be explored.

Places we'd like to go back to:

Oh Cambodia

China, India, France, Spain, USA, Canada, Oz, Laos, Kenya, Tanzania, Botswana, Namibia, Malaysia, Japan oh the list goes on....

Places we'd like to go to:

Portugal, Mozambique, Brazil,  Croatia, Madagascar (well, that's me really).....

 Places we've been, maybe not so good for small children:

Liberia, Afghanistan, Iraq, Pakistan, Somalia, Sudan....etc 

Afghanistan

 

The Aral Sea

Coffs Harbour

Obviously Peter isn't actually here so I'm kind of creating my own list here - but I know he doesn't want to take the family to Liberia so I reckon I'm ok on that one!

Kashgar Market

OK, enough of the photos....but it is making me happy looking at some of these.

Arty is asleep and I'm attempting to write a job application (back to work....) but clearly being distracted by Pinterest....oh, and phoning to complain about the counsellor I saw for my PND - I saw him twice.  I was meant to see him 6 times.  He was so disorganised he kept cancelling appointments - which just added to the stress and irritation rather than helping it!

Oh, and for those who are interested, there were some interesting interviews on Radio 4 last week (I know, I'm not meant to be listening to it - happy music all the way):

• Woman's Hour on Thursday had a phone in with Mary Berry answering lots of baking questions
• Woman's Hour also had an interesting article on JobSharing (of interest to me as I jobshare and love it)

You can find them on the BBC Iplayer:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b007qlvb/episodes/player

Starting to think about 'back to work'

I've got to start thinking about going back to work.  Boo hiss.  The year seems to have flown by.  I can't believe that it's been 6 months since they diagnosed the PND and that Arthur is now 8 months old.  Despite the ups and downs, I've really enjoyed it.  I think that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel now with the PND and I think that going back to work will help.  However, it also means a new set of stresses and strains.

I didn't really want to think about it, but my job share is going back in January so we had to go into the office to talk about it with our new boss.  Yeeks, seeing all those stressed out people made me feel stressed! But at the same time, I know that when I go back, I have to be strict on my hours as if I'm on duty to pick the children up, then I have to leave by a certain time to get them.  No messing or it's £15 per every 10 minutes you are late!!!!! Now I understand why all those people used to rush off and say 'sorry, I can't do it now, I have to go' before I had children!

Still, when you get into the office way before everyone else and then leave slightly earlier than everyone else it's amazing how many people frown at you and think you're shirking.  Maybe some people do.  I think my memories of the job and being up at midnight trying to get some of the work done before getting in early the next day makes me feel happy that my jobshare and I certainly weren't shirking.

Anyway, back to work in the new year.  Perhaps next year will have a set of challenges (eg. going back to work) which will also be real steps forward in getting my mental state sorted out for certain!

What happens when PND causes a wobble?

I had a bit of a wobble on Sunday.  Everything is OK now.  But I thought maybe I should share what a wobble feels like when it happens in case it helps anyone else.  Basically, I just feel overwhelmed by everything.  I am really irritable and everything Peter does is wrong.  I just want Isobel and Arthur to go to bed and be quiet.  I feel that my life has become a relentless set of chores where I can see no end in sight.  I sat on the floor holding Arthur to help calm him down, with tears flowing down my cheeks and just thinking - is this really it?  I just wanted to walk out of the house.

Now its funny as I don't think feelings like this are that extreme.  Before I took the pills, this would happen a lot and last a lot longer.  And the tears would stay all day.  And I know I have it quite lightly really.  I feel almost guilty for sharing this as I feel that people will judge me and think I'm a bad mother or something for feeling like this.  Perhaps that's why it's not really talked about?  How many people (men can have it too apparently) are out there not really talking about how they are feeling?

I'm so glad I'm getting better.  Most days my children are a joy.  Peter is great - and he is great with the children.  I am very lucky and I can't wait to get myself off these pills and back to my old self - it feels like it's more likely every day now.