So the Olympics are over.....but the sun is out!

Yes, we had a great time! It was such a happy two weeks, not sure it was quite worth £9billion but oh well - it's spent now and we all had fun (well, this family did anyway!).

One afternoon, whilst watching the diving, Isobel appeared.  She watched, quietly in the background as they dived off those 10m boards.  'Can you do that mummy?'.  Ha ha, how I wished I could but I think my fear of heights will stop me.  The next day she was practicing at the side of the baby pool.....now then, diving off 10m boards, not something I imagine I would be very good at watching her do if she did decide she wanted to give it a go!

I'm just posting a few pictures of the Olympic park as it looked so lovely.  Aren't these flowers great?

So, I've had a blood test for my thyroid.  Now they say it's fine but I might be anaemic! So another blood test is needed.  A friend who has an underactive thyroid said that there are links between all these things from the research she has done.  Let's see what happens!  Interestingly, there are also reports about the happy pills I took (Sertraline) and thyroid problems, although it doesn't appear to be statistically significant research in terms of a strong relationship! Still, it might explain it.

One of the highlights of the olympics was us watching Usain Bolt in the 200m semi finals.  My goodness that man can run.  I laughed though.  Mo Farrah runs a 5 km in what, 12 mins?  And looks like he's barely exerted himself.  I run 5km in about 30 mins and look like a beetroot!  Don't think I have those Olympic genes somehow!!!

Next week we plan to get back to some Jamie Oliver cooking as he's taken a backseat for a while.  However, there are two other contenders for our cooking attention - the Great British Bake Off is back! Hoorah.  And they made bagels last night - which has inspired me again!  The other contender is a 50s buffet party after I found a 1950s cookbook of my granny's in my mum and dad's loft.  Some tuna vol-o-vont, shrimp boats and babycham!  Bring it on

The Olympics are coming......

The Olympic fever has hit - there is pink (well, maybe purple) everywhere you look in London and on my way to work on Monday I noticed a whole new pavement had been built! Great for the pedestrians like me....not so great for the buses and everyone else trying to drive.  Answer - we should all walk more - better for the planet, better for our health, better for the NHS budget!

Anyway, I digress.  Isobel and Arthur went to see the torch on Friday.  I say went to see the torch.  They were dragged along by me, despite their protests (ok - these were more on the way home when tiredness kicked in) and we all sat and had a picnic (at the side of the road of course) whilst we waited.  The Coca Cola bus was there as well as some other random sponsor-related traffic (eg. Lloyds cars and people with big green balloons!)

And fun was had! Ok I had to hold Isobel on my shoulders and Arty in my arms which almost caused a seizure but we saw the flame!  Getting home from the flame was a different matter - lots of tantrums by a collapsed little girl who decided the middle of the road was the best place to undertake such an activity! 'Set some boundaries' someone at work said - as if I haven't set a 'don't collapse in the middle of the road boundary'....

Anyway.  Moving on, Peter and I have also been undertaking a bit more naked Chef-ing, this time testing out some Jamie O recipies for fennel.  So we had a lovely risotto with seafood and fennel which was very very yummy (lots of chilli to which is always good) and then followed this with encrusted seared tuna with a fennel and chilli salsa.  Both of these recipes are strongly recommended - really really yummy.  Kids didn't manage to eat any this time though!

Look at that delicately sprinkled fennel on the top there - nouvelle cuisine I think!

And finally, after months of having it sit on the shelf, we broke out the 10 Minute Solutions Pilates Video.  'No problem, my arms are really strong' said Peter as we started the 10 minute arm work out.  at the end the lady says 'Good Job' (with a very strong American accent).  Peter and I can barely lift our arms!  Still, a change from running.

Seeing a skylark

I am sitting here with the London marathon on in the background and Arthur desperate to play peppa pig with Isobel (she's not having any of it) and reflecting on how emotional it makes me to see the start line! It always brings a tear to my eye. Why on earth I hear you say? I just think its an emotional sporting event - I've run it 3 times and the sense of elation when you finish is quite amazing. All those months of running in whatever weather, eating extra bars of chocolate, then running with people who are running to raise money for all the causes you can think of. Their kids, the illnesses they have, in memory of people, the lifeboats and so on. The emotion really comes out, especially for those running to raise funds for research or care in diseases which have taken someone away from them. Quite inspirational.

But then I also think I'm shedding a year now because it is a part of my life which is in the past - for now....I can see another one is still in me! Now I can barely run up a hill!

Oh well. In my new life I go for lovely walks along the river playing hide and seek with Isobel (who, it must be said, hasn't quite got the rules sorted - when you say where is Isobel she comes running out saying 'here I am'), running through the meadows and very excitedly seeing a skylark singing its happy song! It was lovely. We all stood and watched it for quite a while, going up and down into the meadow.

Not quite the same as running 26 miles but really lovely!

And he's off.....

I feel like Murray Walker. Days before his first birthday, Arthur is off. He has started to move! Even though I can dangers at every turn as he is so much more nosey than Isobel was, it is sooo exciting. And he was so happy he started clapping! He started slowly this morning but is now getting up speed. Isobel better watch out, he will be after her now.

It's been a good week. My first challenge in terms of balancing the poorly baby with work which was OK, work were quite understanding and he just wanted to sleep all day which meant I could do quite a bit from home. It was also a milestone as the doctor has started me on my programme of reducing the pills. I feel ok about it.  I feel that I am a different person to that if last year when I couldn't stop crying.  For someone so scared of the pills, I must say I am so grateful to them. And to Peter who has been like a rock (which is good considering his name!). But now its time to come off them. Fingers crossed it will go ok. Let's see.

And then I went for a couple of lovely runs. One along the river on Monday morning, past St Pauls and Big Ben in the cold and sun, then through the woods.  Running has been my other saviour.

This weekend is another challenge - making a jolly green dinosaur cake!

An end to counselling....and waste?

So it's been a busy week or so. Getting back into the routine of getting kids to nursery and ourselves into and out of work on time has been fun! It's actually worked ok so far.....I write this as I wait for the train in the cold with the sun barely up.....

My team are good. They all have kids at differing stages of life and put value on spending time with them - they are mainly male and have mainly commented on how they feel they missed out on their kids when they were little and wish they hadn't worked as much! So i get in lovely and early, running along the river from London Bridge to get my all important run in....its nice at that time of day as there aren't too many people meandering everso slowly and stopping to take pictures every 3 seconds.  The only problem is that having run, I feel the need for a second breakfast once I'm in the office....a bit like a hobbit, or my children who have a second breakfast at nursery apparently which they wolf down.....the nursery must think we starve them!

I went to see the counsellor the other day. We had booked in an appointment for after I had gone back to work to see how things were going. It was a good session. We talked about the change that work had brought, a good change, and the upcoming visit to the doctor to talk about the pills and the PND. I feel like I am in a completely different place to how I felt last summer. I hope I'm not speaking too soon.  I will reflect on things which have changed for the better in another blog, a lot if it recently relates to going back to work and how being back has helped equalise the workload at home....

The counsellor thinks I'm in a good place. I do too. So I'm not signed up for more. The door is open if I need to but for now things are going well. The counselling has helped and I would recommend it to anyone struggling after the changes that having babies can bring.

Being back at work has been interesting. The work is good and north managing anyone, unlike when I went back after Isobel, is a breath of fresh air. I have also managed to finish one book and am half way through another - its he first time since Arthur was born that I've read a whole book (if you don't count The gruffalo and the short version of the Jungle Book that is).  It has also got me thinking about our impact on the planet, the planet which Isobel and Arthur have been born onto and one in which more than 2.6 billion people don't have access to adequate sanitation....So I have been thinking waste. Not human waste buy landfill waste and resource use.

I think our family are quite good really. The biggest problem is the nappy one. Tried those biodegradable nappies and had to use twice as many as they just didn't hold the poo in....then there was all the washing of sheets from the leaks they left! Anyway, ignoring the nappies for now (I know) I have been pondering how we reduce our use of plastics without spending huge amounts more money. Milk in glass bottles from the milkman would be great but is a lot more expensive. So what to do? Well to start with I am stopping buying coffee in throw away cups....it might mean no more frothy milk but it will make me feel better. Then a friend suggested a waste audit to see what exactly we throw away. I think I already know but might do it anyway over the coming weeks.

Onto a lighter note, I went to a sugarcraft exhibition last weekend. The cakes were amazing. All made by people who have an artistic flair that I lack....although I will be trying my hand at some hello kitty cupcakes!

'Mums aren't allowed to be ill'

So said the doctor last week when I took Arthur in covered in spots.  Luckily, Arthur is now better - he has stopped pooing and is back to his normal, Henry VIII feeding style self! There was me worried he was wasting away (well, not really - he was 10lb 12 when he was born after all!).  Now Isobel is poorly and Peter is poorly too - both with high temperatures, coughs and generally moping about.  As with most mums, apart from my little mental health issue (which I feel is almost dealt with), I battle on, fighting off high temperatures and dosing everyone with calpol and lots of water!

Yesterday I made some lovely pink bunting for Isobel - she was poorly and I thought 'I know what will cheer her up' - and I was very pleased.  My sewing wasn't straight but it's getting a bit better.  Tonight I put the fruit in to soak, all ready to bake a fruit brac which my mum used to make for us when we were little - I still remember it, wrapped in baking paper, with a small spread of butter and eating it on the train in France.  Looking forward to baking it tomorrow.

We were meant to be on 'holiday' this week.  A last week of fun before I go back to work (not that work isn't fun - well, the people are fun, the work is generally interesting, stressful and at times quite depressing).  Instead, Peter has been in bed, Isobel has been miserable and I've been washing and ironing!  I did get out for a lovely run today though - it was so lovely and warm and I ventured out into the woods for the first time.  It made me long for Spring when it will be slightly lighter in the evening.  The woods are so good for the soul - all the birds singing and no cars.  Really really enjoyed it.

In preparation for my return to work (the countdown has started - 10 days to go), I've been thinking about the plus points (as well as the negatives - mainly the stress involved in trying to get both kids to nursery, on the train, into the office and out again to pick them up whilst also doing a full days work....oh and the fact that my salary will basically be eaten by nursery fees, train fares and the council tax!).  So, plus points so far include (a) it's only 3 days a week; (b) I will be able to have a cup of tea/coffee and hopefully drink it without it going cold; (c) going to the toilet without a little voice hurrying me up; (d) talking about something sensible (whilst trying not to refer to myself as 'mummy'); (e) maybe even reading a book on the train if I can sit down!

I have also been trying to train my brain again to think in an office work way.  Obviously, one of the things which has annoyed me is that any mother (and many fathers too) probably have exceptionally strong organisational skills (get the kids ready, have some food in, have nappies and other necessaries to hand at all times etc.), negotiation skills (dealing with a toddler), management skills (managing children and husband and trying to fit in a bit of time for 'me'), planning and delivery skills etc - but these are basically seen as non-existent in terms of office work and the sometimes slightly 'down on stay at home mums' media.  Anyway, in terms of my office work brain, these are the things I've been doing:

- not reading the papers they have sent me as I can't quite bring myself to but instead reading 'Chasing the Devil' by Tom Butcher who is retracing the steps of Graham Greene in his book Journey without Maps which is all about walking through Sierra Leone and Liberia;
- reading about Somalia on Wikipedia and the BBC after watching the news about the Conference today and kind of wondering what difference it will make;
- watching Brian Cox on Horizon this evening about the search for 'peaceful' nuclear fusion (see here - http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b00hr6bk).  Now this interests me.  I have a real interest in the climate change, peak oil, sustainability debates etc.  I recall a talk by Kevin Anderson from the Tyndall Centre on 'dangerous climate change' and whether we were already on a pathway which nothing can stop.  Not necessarily the most uplifting but it had links tonight with the Horizon programme which included some Professor calculating how the world might be able to achieve equitable energy use for everyone by 2030.  Basically it was quite depressing listening to him talk through how many wind turbines needed to be erected every minute, biogas pools every second, solar panels every second and so on - for the next 25 years.  (For more info on K Anderson check out http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kevin_Anderson_%28scientist%29)

And then I think - oh, yeeks, this is all far too serious.  Time to sit and look at fabric websites instead to consider what fabrics I can use to make some storage boxes for out lovely new cupboards (thanks to Mark at A1Class Joinery!).

I have a spotty baby

So, Arthur is covered in spots.  From head to toe.  They started appearing on Friday and now he's covered.  Nothing too worrying apparently, but 'please don't take him to any playgroups etc for a week'....oh and he might carry on with his ridiculous amounts of poo.  No one tells you quite how many shares you should have purchased in P&G before you have kids to get something back for all that washing powder!

Talking of P&G, I had a rant the other day - last year I seem to recall some advert about how great mums work (I think sponsored by P&G), this year they seem to be having another one except that to me, the basic message in the ad was 'mums, thank you for doing all the shopping for the washing powder, washing up liquid, razors, soap, shampoo' and so on.  And I really wanted to just say - and what about the men/dads?  Now I know that they don't do as much shopping for such things (generally) but perhaps something to start encouraging them to do it or think about it would be nice!  Mmmmh, water up hill springs to mind.  And whilst I'm on the issue of advertising, have a listen next time there is some cleaning related advert on - is the voice over a man?  A man telling the lady in the ad that she needs to make her shirts (well, his shirts, she's washing them) 'whiter than white'.   I hadn't thought about it until I met someone who worked in advertising and she was ranting about it!

Onto more serious matters.  I went running last night - hoorah hoorah, the snow has melted at last.  One of the things I always notice when out running is that no one seems to walk anywhere in the burbs once you get past about 6pm.  And there aren't that many people walking before then.  I ran about 4 miles last night and passed 4 people.  One of those was running.

Thinking of the snow, a few more pictures to warm the cockles now that it's melted:

Toddler taming - terrible twos?

I just realised that the photo of the brows is really quite scary.  Obviously they have now been plucked to a proper shape and are no longer Charlie Chaplin type brows!!

So, it's been another one of those days.  Can't decide if its a bit of PND, just a challenging day with a toddler or a combination of the two together with the fact I appear to have got tonsillitis.  Maybe it was too much running last night......

Arthur is tired.  Too many parties (they went to Pooh Corner at the weekend and played Pooh Sticks!) and too little sleep I think.  Yesterday, Isobel slept at lunchtime for the first time in ages!  3 hours she had!  I tried again today to try to ward off the monster behaviour....but no.

A friend said a few weeks ago that everyone warned her about the terrible twos, but no one mentioned the potential even more terrible threes!  Isobel is turning towards three.  Has behaviour got better????? Errrr, no. Not at all.  I thought I was getting better coping strategies but honestly. 

So, I turned to a recommended book last night - 'New Toddler Taming', Australian I think.  I read through the recommendations - things that work (as opposed to shouting, smacking and the like which don't work apparently):

- time out (we've used this, doesn't appear to work - but then I think perhaps a different take on it might work?  See it, as the book says, as time out to cool down rather than as punishment - so, note to self on that one);
- diversion - this can work, but with a baby who still doesn't move and is therefore crying a lot with frustration, trying to divert both of them at the same time is a challenge!  If I divert Isobel's attention towards Arthur, then she hits him! Pretending that Baloo the bear is coming does work (she has a fixation on the jungle book at the moment) but when I mentioned Shere Khan might be coming she said 'really, can I see him' and basically didn't believe me!;
- using rewards rather than punishment.... we tried this before, she wasn't interested in stickers but was interested in Peppa Pig or biscuits!  However, the book stresses the need to focus on rewards, not bribery.

This afternoon we set about making a reward chart which combines it all.  Stickers for positive actions and if she gets a certain number a day she can watch one Peppa Pig!  Let's see whether it works.  So far it's ok but I can see the danger signs - as soon as she knows she has a certain number of stickers, a quick clip round Arthur's ear seems to emerge!!!  Oh the joys of toddlers.

Now, where is my gin.

Too many challenges?

I'm having a desire to change the colour of the font.  Had enough of black I think.

I've been thinking about the year and what it is going to bring - lots of challenges as I've said before.  So, what have I done?  Despite my best efforts I've found myself thinking about some new 'personal development' opportunities (mmmh, I've been thinking too much about work I think with that jargon!) I'd like to try out this year.....

What are they? Well, here goes:

- learn to crochet - I am left handed so knitting has always been a bit of a challenge.  However, someone recommended a book to me about crocheting for lefties so I'm going to give it a go!

- cook all the different types of pastry in Leith's baking bible (no, not in preparation for the Bake Off - despite Peter joking that I should give it a go) - so, flaky, rough puff, sweet, etc etc.  Not started that one yet.

- sew one item a month (I thought a month was vaguely manageable) - I've achieved this one for January having made another cushion cover.

- run a half marathon with my good friend Mrs WP.

- make a cake pop (I had one the other day - slightly strange, I wondered how they made them stick to the stick and not crumble everywhere....so I looked it up - and think I might give it a go!).

That's it - is that manageable?  I am thinking it is.  Let's see!

And the wind bloweth

My goodness it's windy today! Quite horrible.  Glad I'm indoors.  I hate this weather.  The wind really gets to me, makes me quite unsettled and irritable. 

So, Christmas is over, the new year is here and that means that I have two months until I go back to work.  Can't believe it.  Maternity leave this time seems to have gone so quickly.  Arthur still isn't really moving much (he loves to stand but not to move....apparently quite normal for a boy...).  Isobel has gone to nursery today for the first time in 2 weeks - she was not a happy bunny.  We had such a lovely afternoon yesterday when I took them both out for a walk and there were millions of muddy puddles to jump in!  On my run later that evening I thought about how I needed to try to enjoy and appreciate every second of my day with them both, however hard it is at times, as they won't be little for long.

Anyway, Christmas.  We now have a house full of yet more Peppa Pig stuff - stickers, jigsaws, books, slippers......all we need is the real thing!  Isobel had a great time with her cousins - she has 7 - they looked after her, played with her, took her to the park and generally entertained her endlessly.  Then she came home to the dullness of just her mummy, daddy and Arthur.  She has been swinging Mary (the doll) back and forth in one of those tipptioes things which hangs from the door frame.  This has proved to be great fun.  The only problem is that when Arthur is in it she swings him almost as energetically!

I have had time to reflect a little over Christmas, in part to help me think about what I'd like to achieve this year.  Some reflections:

- I have two gorgeous children.  Yes, they are a challenge at times but they are still gorgeous.

- My husband isn't too bad either (;-))

- No one tells you the truth about being a mum - certainly not about labour and birth and certainly not afterwards.  It takes a long time I think for people to be honest about how challenging they find it at times. 

- I tried to do too much too soon after both children.  It was hard not too.  It is definately in my genes not to sit still.  Perhaps this contributed to exhaustion which contributed (perhaps) to the PND.

- I seem to have set myself very high benchmarks and as a result can drive myself to accomplish a lot in a day rather than being more flexible and perhaps more realistic about what life with two little ones is really like.

- I love to bake.  I love to eat baked goods.  I suppose I should try to reduce this a little in the interest of health health.

- I love to run.  It gives me a sense of freedom.  In the past I used to just put my trainers on and go.  It was easy without children as you could go whenever you wanted.  Now it's harder but I've found a way to do it (with Peter's help) and it has made me feel so much better.

- I do a lot to please other people - my parents, Peter, my children etc. but perhaps not enough to make myself happy at times.

I could go on.  Needless to say I have been thinking about the challenges this year will bring - going back to work being one and all the changes that will mean (Arthur into nursery, the mad dash to get to nursery and back to the train etc - whether there will be any space on the overcrowded and overpriced train is another matter!).  So, I thought about some resolutions, some of which I'll share here (others are for me, and maybe for Peter only!)

- Keep up my running 3 times a week and enter a race to have a goal to work towards

- Exercise some portion control when eating cake!

- Try to do less each day - maybe just one activity a day rather than filling my day with things to do and things for the children to do

- Do more sewing (to offset the baking!)

- Appreciate every second I have with Isobel and Arthur

- Appreciate every second I have with Peter

- Delegate more at home and keep challenging myself as to whether I really have to do that thing I think I have to do!

I'd like to be back to my normal self this time next year.  Off the pills.  Rich, slim and toned (ok, I can dream).  Happy basically, and healthy too.

Summer is on the way!

Yes, today is the shortest day of the year.  It always makes me happy - it means the days are getting longer again from tomorrow and summer is on it's way!  A real reason for celebration.

I went to the doctor yesterday having been on the pills for 6 months now.  I wanted to get an idea about what happens next.  Whilst in there I bumped into the counsellor - obviously he didn't recognise me but it reminded me to comment on it to the doctor.  No apologies made.  Just 'well, he is a man, and maybe has a different approach to a woman....'.  Anyway, the doctor wants me to continue with the medication until March - basically for two main reasons:

• the weather (dull, damp, dark, short days etc etc)
• going back to work in early March and the changes that might bring (positive or negative)

I think that's sensible.  Part of me wants to rush to come off them, but the other part of me doesn't want to end up like I was in the summer again.  So, the pills continue.

Then last night I went to see the counsellor.  It was helpful, although Peter feels that he's been saying these things to me anyway - I think it's perhaps an issue of you owning it yourself.  It's ok for other people to say things, make suggestions, all of which might be highly sensible.  But, for me at least, it seems that unless you own it, you don't take it onboard and act on it.  'Ownership'.  A great word. I remember trying to get Peter to 'own' his dinner choices when I wasn't going to be around - I could tell him what was in the fridge that he might like to eat but I could tell he wasn't paying a huge amount of attention.  So to help with health health and to avoid the 'what can I eat' question later on, I used to encourage him to own it (so, basically he would tell me what he could have for dinner) - ha ha, how ridiculous!  I should have just left him to his own devices.  He could have eaten a kebab for dinner (healthy don't you know - they have salad in them!) and it doesn't really matter.  

Anyway, so the counsellor got me thinking.  I realised yesterday quite how often I say 'I have to do this' or 'I should do that'.  It was when I said to Peter that I had to make the soup for dinner that it struck me that perhaps I try to do too much.  I've never been good at sitting still.  I suppose I've always had the view that you have one life and so I tried to pack as much into as possible.  Anyway, I think that it has something to do with the PND - after Isobel and Arthur were born I remember baking cakes and trying to just get on with life - perhaps almost as though nothing has changed.  Instead I should have been sitting and resting and drinking tea perhaps.  Too late now.

So, I have to challenge myself and Peter is going to help - everytime I rattle off a list of all the things I say I have to do, I need to ask 'do I have to do that? does it need to be done? will I enjoy doing it? who am I feeling I have to do it for' and so on.  Let's see what happens!

On reflection, a few things I think have really helped me this year with the PND, apart from the pills:

• turning off the doom and gloom on the radio in the morning and putting on some dance tunes
• running
• having more prepared meals (though we think we need to kickstart this again)
• having more time to myself and more nights out with Peter
• baking new things (it's the achievement I like and the time it can give for some peace and quiet)
• drinking more water
• having a mantra in my head - like on returning from a run in the morning at the weekend 'it doesn't matter if the table is dirty and there is weetabix on the floor, we can clean it up later'

The fairy tree

Oh my, a week to go until Christmas. On my run this evening I was comparing outdoor lights - from the blue icicles to the rapid flashing to the full on inflatable snowmen blowing in the wind. No need for street lights really, could save the council a few pounds!

On a walk in the woods yesterday we came across a fairy tree which the fairies had chosen for decoration this year. Apparently nicer than others which are decorated with mill bottles and cds. Isobel was very excited about the fairies!

So I have been to see the new counsellor. She seems nice and is much more organised than the other one. Maybe that's part of my issue - I have always been quite am organised person and as everyone tells me, its much harder with children as they don't always do what you want or expect and you can't reason with them. But knowing that and knowing I should go with the flow more is easily said....but harder to do!next session is Tuesday.

Smelling lovely stollen

The house smells lovely. Mixed spice. Mmh. It's a happy smell and slowly getting me into the Christmas spirit! Been baking the stollen from Jo's blue aga blog. Not tasted it yet but it smells yummy. I ate the molten marzipan which seemed to burst out of it - isobel will love it.

Went running again today. Needed to escape from the house and my toddler who was in one of her screaming moods!maybe the left over sugar rush from the party yesterday? Anyway, happily ran about 10km. So feeling very pleased. And ever so slightly tired.

Run run run...

I'm clearly having a blog-a-thon.

I've been running a lot over the past few days - ok, so not necessarily a huge distance but I've been out on a route I've been doing which includes some lovely hills and...happy oh happy, I can now run up them without stopping!  I'm so pleased with myself.

The running is great.  I am almost tempted by running the marathon again next year.....mmmh, but maybe one step at a time (phew I can hear my friends say - it would be the 4th London one which I still reckon I've got in me.....but maybe when things are a bit calmer).

I was thinking about it last night when out running, how difficult it is to find the time to go for a run now.  I used to be able to put my trainers on and go.  Now I have to wait until there is someone to look after the little ones.  And as it's winter it's also dark and damp which isn't the most enticing weather.  But, I'm trying to keep it up and it is making me feel like a new woman.  I really must buy some new trainers - another thing I don't know how I'll fit in.  Why can't they have someone come to your house and measure you up, watch you run and sell you trainers?????  I would love that.  My trainers are knackered - I'm sure it would make me run twice as fast to have new ones!

One thing I like about running in the winter is the fact that so many people leave their curtains open and their lights on - great for nosey parkers like me!  I ran past one house which had all it's christmas lights up - outside and in, including a christmas tree in the window! Maybe I've got the month wrong....

Finally some sewing & spiced apple chutney

Spiced apple chutney - cost about £0.50 a jar

I've had a lovely few runs since Peter got home.  I'm really trying to get to the top of a hill near our house without stopping.  I'm getting there though I'm almost sick when I get to the top!  Running really does lift my mood.  I noticed today that there is a running club in Sevenoaks specifically for women with depression - good idea I think, especially if people can start off running with others.  The club is called 'up and running' - http://www.upandrunninginsevenoaks.org.uk/Upandrunninginsevenoaks/Welcome.html

Much to Peter's concern, I've changed the morning radio station from Radio 4 to some music - whichever channel has the most uplifting music!  I love Radio 4 it must be said, the Today Programme, Just a Minute, The Politics Show, I've Never Seen Star Wars....oh and Woman's Hour.  However, I realised that happy music is making for a happier person - a bit of disco dancing to Bon Jovi's Living on a Prayer just works it's magic and makes both little ones laugh and join in (I know someone who would be so happy with this - bringing back memories of that classy joint Infernos on Clapham High Street!). So, apart from first thing in the morning (gentle wake up), it's no more Radio 4!  Having said that, I did listen to Woman's Hour the other day where there was quite an interesting interview with a host of ladies about how to stay married.  Apparently Louise Mench has made some remark about women not letting themselves go or making sure they look glam for their husband.  And Jilly Cooper has reissued her book from 1969.  Programme is on Iplayer or through this link (10th November) - http://tunein.com/radio/Womans-Hour-p657/

Anyway, I have finally done a bit more sewing.  Isobel's hair is beginning to go a bit nuts so I made her a hairband!  It took slightly longer than I thought it would but I think the finished item is ok really - especially considering it's (a) pink and (b) made from fabric my mum had when I was little!

Great link to some hairband tutorials here - http://www.sewchicandunique.com/tag/headbandhairband/

I love those curly blond locks!

 Finally, I thought I would share another apple activity - as you know, we seem to have had a lot of apples (mainly through Peter foraging!) and I've slowly been turning them into things to make them last longer.  Last week I made a spiced apple cake (when testing out the cake release) and over the weekend we had a joint effort at some spiced apple chutney! 

We used this lovely book to instruct us (it's a great book - soooo many recipes and easy for people without a lot of jam making skill!) Jams, Preserves and Chutneys by Marguerite Patten.  Basically you need about 2lb apples (when peeled and cored), 1lb onions, some mixed spice (1 tsp), vinegar, raisins/sultanas and 350g soft brown sugar [will post details later - children just woken up!].  To sterilise the jars I always use the same method - wash the jars then put in a cool-ish oven at 140 deg until you need them.

Busy, Busy, Busy....not just eating too many biscuits

Upside down biscuits!

I don't know what's come over me - I've been doing all sorts of random cooking and sewing!  I think it's having the evenings to myself but not being able to run as there is no one to look after the little ones if they wake up!  Arty has a cold so I've been smearing him with vicks, including on his feet which I remember reading somewhere was meant to help.....lets see.

So last night, I set about learning something new - quilting.  I had this great idea to make coasters for Xmas presents.....mmmh.  To help me out I opened a box of waitrose biscuits (on special - £2.75 a box) and they were so yummy I ate a few too many....it was Mrs WP's fault - texting me that her waters had broken whilst sitting on the sofa!  Mine broke with Arthur (not really with Isobel) and it was quite a hollywood moment - gutted that I wasn't in John Lewis or Marks and Sparks with potential for a trolley dash (is that an urban myth???).

Anyway, I think the biscuits addled my brain.  My first attempt at quilting was not that successful.  I was trying to make these bound edge coasters which required 3 layers of batting sandwiched in two layers of fabric and then really tight quilting....and clearly with a steady hand so you can make it vaguely straight...something I don't have.  So if you look at the pictures on the link and then look at the picture below, you'll see why I decided that frankly Arthur could just have an unfinished one as a toy!

Completely not straight

Much better as toy!

But I perservered - and tried a slightly less tricky one which only had one layer of batting....not great but better than the previous one.  Don't think coasters are going to be the Christmas present of choice somehow!

Health Health, low calorie!

And today was another new day.  Isobel was in nursery for the day and as Arthur was full of cold I continued on my making spree.   Finally rid myself of the butternut squash in the fridge and made a squash soup, then turned my attention to the massive box of apples which are slowly going a bit mouldy in the garage!  One lot turned into an apple, sultana and cinnamon stew for Arthur and Isobel, and with the other I decided to try out and review the cake release spray I found at the lovely Lakeland:

£3.99 from Lakeland

 I was a bit dubious about getting it but someone had mentioned that it worked really well.  I'm a bit slapdash normally when it comes to greasing cakes so they end up getting stuck.  This only needs a tiny bit and you then brush it round the tin with a pastry brush.  Pour in the mixture (in my case an apple cake) and then bake.  The result?  Well, the cake just popped out.  It was great.  So, a good investment if you bake a lot.

Here is the finished cake with lovely smooth edges!

And finally, I decided to have a go at sewing another purse - this time with a flat bottom.  Now I found the instructions on a website somewhere and now can'tfind the link.  I'll add it when I do.  It's a good set of instructions and I'm quite pleased with the result.  Might make some more - practice makes perfect!

And this is the flat bottom

Running and PND

I am feeling very pleased with myself.  I have now kept up the running for two months or so - three times a week.  I can run for a good 30 minutes without stopping and am getting all prepared to enter some races next year! 

It's so nice to do - not only because it is getting me fit again, helping shift a few pounds (though I keep eating macarons and cake so not sure it's helping as much as it could!), it's also giving me a little time to myself.  I have to be quite organised to get out there and do it, especially now it's dark, but it's doable.  And it gives me the space I need to clear my head and just think about....well, nothing a lot of the time!  I have found that I have had the time to think about my experience with PND.  For example, I was thinking about the guilt I felt - I always thought that to have PND meant that you were always crying and didn't want to go out.  I had had two healthy, happy babies.  I have a lovely husband, a lovely home. I have great friends etc etc.  What did I have to be depressed about?  I've never been depressed before.  It can't be depression.

A good friend had a baby a year ago.  Her baby is lovely, she is now one and she has overcome a whole host of challenges, open heart surgery, blindness etc and her mother has been really quite remarkable.  I don't know how she has done it.  And I must say that this type of experience made me feel guilty - here is someone who has to face a whole host of challenges and is doing it with such strength and here am I who hasn't got these challenges and who has had depression.  It just felt so wrong.

After Isobel was born I had insomnia - the doctor told me to get Peter to make me a cup of tea.  I thought it was just a normal part of having children.  Perhaps it is.  What I do know is that I was also incredibly stressed and anxious about this - I would be in such a state I would scream and shout.  I was also very irritable in a way which I had never been before. I felt tense all the time - Peter felt he was treading on egg shells.  But I just thought it was part of the normal process.  It never really went away.  The insomnia did, but the irritability didn't. 

Being told by the Health Visitor and the doctor that I have PND after Arthur was born was a massive relief.  It was like someone saying - it's alright, you're not mad, you have an illness but it will get better.  They both felt that the combination of the insomnia, the irritability, anxiety attacks in the night and with Arthur, the crying, ....and the wanting to just keep driving the car into the bend.....were symptoms.  And so I have had treatment and it's working (so far so good!).

However, I feel that there is still such a stigma attached to it.  Is it because it's a mental health issue and people have views about that?  I don't know.  I do know that the statistics indicate that 1 in 4 / 5 women have it and yet no one admitted to it or talked about it until quite recently.  It makes me wonder how many people are suffering in silence?

Back to reality and naan breads!

So we're now back from holiday and it's back to reality - getting the boiler fixed, Peter going to work, constantly having to think about what everyone else is going to eat (is that a mum thing? no idea.  I never used to think about it - marmite on toast would suffice when I was unmarried and couldn't think of anything else/didn't have anything in to cook....but now?), etc etc.

I am going to keep my crafts up to help keep fighting this PND - even went and purchased some batting and lining in preparation for some Xmas present making.  Did my bit for the 'big society' and helped out at a local Nearly New Sale which was entertaining - why does anyone buy anything new for children???

So, Peter and I have decided to stop eating meat for a bit.  The thing that sparked this was a Radio 4 interview with Hugh F-W (can't spell it) from River Cottage who had apparently lost loads of weight after reducing his meat intake, cream etc (and probably al-k-hol).  Now the challenge is - what on earth to cook?  Obvious things are pasta based and pie based (eg. spinach pie, a favourite, yummy) but a good opportunity to open new doors to new things?

Made a curry root vegetable thing (2 medium onions, 3 cloves garlic, 5 carrots, 2 parsnips, 4 biggish potatoes all mixed together and cooked for 8 minutes or so in some vegetable oil; then add about 120g of red split peas and curry powder - which I had to make up and consisted of about 1 tsp garam masala, turmeric, mustard powder (not too much), dried chilli flakes, fennel seeds and cumin I think - and some stock.  Simmer until vegetables tender.

It was yummy.  But the most yummy thing (apart from the MD Mango Chutney which is the best in the world - have only found it in shops in Tooting in SW London and not where we live now.....oh my it's lovely!) was the naan bread! 

mmmh, yummy

My first attempt at naan bread (based on a M Jaffrey recipe) and it was pretty good - used 150 ml warm milk, 1 tsp sugar, 7g active dried yeast which I left in a bowl for about 20 minutes until it was frothy.

Then add this, 1 egg, 150ml yoghurt, 0.5 tsp salt, 1 tsp sugar and 1 tsp baking powder to 450g of plain flour.  Mix it, kneed it for at least 10 minutes (I had to add about 10g more flour as it was quite sticky) then put in greased and covered bowl and leave to rise.  I ended up leaving it for about 4 hours due to various other tasks!

Then knock it back when it's doubled in size and form 6 balls.  Pre-heat oven to highest temperature and put in baking tray, and preheat grill.  With one of the balls, form a naan bread shape - round, teardrop, however you like really, and then plonk on baking tray (which should be hot from oven) and put in hot oven for 3 minutes then move over to grill and grill for about 1 to 1.5 minutes or until brown on top.  And voila.  Naan Bread.  Yummy.  We tried various toppings - garlic, seasame and caraway being particularly exciting.

Finished garlic naans

Good 'crumb' I thought.

I made it!

Am feeling very good this evening. Have taken another big step I think towards getting over this post natal depression. I've been running for a few weeks now as i am trying to action the advice I had to do something for me. I used to run loads and loved it. It gives me time to relax which I know some people think sounds a bit odd!

Anyway, since having kiddiwinks I haven't really been able to run. I tried it after Arty was born but stopped, telling myself that my fitness had gone and being annoyed and slightly fed up I think that my running wasn't as it used to be. So I started, slowly slowly and this evening I have managed to run about 4 miles (including hills) with two big achievements - I didn't stop and.....wait for it....I ran to Nelsons birth place! Now I know that might seem a bit strange to be so excited about this but having seen it on the good old ordnance survey (I love those maps, they are so great, perhaps the greatest maps in the world) I decided it was my goal to build up to getting there whilst on holiday. So I was very excited to see the plaque to Nelson....the house having been pulled down in the 1800s.

The running is definitely helping with the PND - not only does it give me a bit of time to myself, it also makes me feel better about myself and counters the sheer amount of cake I like to eat! Stopping the breastfeeding has opened up a whole new set of options for exercise which is great. It's funny as the doctor actually told me to stop breastfeeding - now this is not a normal doctor thing to do! I fretted about it for ages - the breastfeeding lobby had worked their magic on me and the guilt I felt as I thought about stopping was immense. I stopped reading articles about it as it just stressed me out and I got too annoyed by the righteousness of some of the people writing them and acting like you were the biggest evil ever for stopping. The doctor said that whilst breastfeeding is the best thing if it works for you and the baby, sometimes it can make the baby too dependent on the mother when the mother needs her own time and space to get her head back. Happy mother = happy baby. I am glad I stopped. I did it slowly so kept it up until just over 5 months but the difference it has made in terms of my ability to get out a bit more, Isobel's ability to have more time with me (Arty took forever to breastfeeding and about 5 mins with a bottle!), Peter's opportunity to have more time with him and his reduced vomiting and improved skin as a result (I know, weird that - it's meant to be better with breast milk but we had the reverse) is fantastic. And I can wear great bras again - hoorah :-)