So, it's been a while

A whole month in fact. Life has gone a bit mad. In between the joy of little Isobel dressed as an angel (I even gave her a halo....it was a bit big though and kept falling down!) for her nativity and Arty eating his weight in Christmas pudding, my sleep has not improved. It's beginning to drive me mad, all the coping strategies I've tried have worked a little and then stopped. I have no spare room to escape to as we have the nephew with us still, and now over Xmas we have an extra 5 people in the house. For some reason it's stressing me, making me feel a bit trapped. I had a little panic attack on the train this morning. It was going so slowly and was so full I just wanted to get off and had to practice my deep.breathing techniques to calm myself!

I am wondering if its related to the mirena coil being fitted. I wasn't sleeping that well before it was but it hasn't got any better and my anxiety has increased.....but then maybe its not that and just me! So the other night, at 1 am when the whole fact I was still awake was driving me mad, I found myself sitting on the sofa crying. I just feel so fed up that the insomnia is back and I control it or find the solution or cause. Eventually Peter reminded me of the words of the doctor from a few weeks ago, who suggested taking the anti depressants again if it got worse until we could find out what else was going on. So I did. And oh god I've felt quite rough and also quite disappointed. Disappointed that I'm taking these things when I don't believe I'm depressed. Disappointed that for 4 years now I've not felt myself and that it doesn't seem to have gone away despite all my best efforts. Disappointed that I've not been able to control my sleep disturbance.
But on the positive side I've made an appointment with the doctor and am going to push to see a specialist who can actually talk me through these things. I'm also going away with work and am really looking forward to that, albeit quite nervous. I used to travel loads before having kids, now I'm wondering if I'll be able to....it's like my confidence has gone!

So, I'm not ending the year as I hoped but am still in a better place I think than this time last year! Onwards and upwards.

What no sleep?

Oh this is so boring this disturbed sleep.  I thought I would write about it.  It's 2.45am. I don't think I've been to sleep yet. I've got a sore throat and cough and feel lousy but can't sleep. Back of my mind?  I need to sleep to get better.  Result, no sleep.

So, I have basically been sleeping fine until I came back from holiday, about 7 weeks ago.  Since then, sleep all over the place.  I am trying to remain calm, getting all wound up doesn't help.  Some days I'm better at that than others.  Like today. I felt this wave of panic surging over me that was heading towards want to have a good shout.  But I have kept it down.  It's not the end of the world.  I've tried to think about what has triggered this? Nephew staying? Peter going away 3 times? Stress (about some weird thing I don't recognise as the annoying thing is that there is nothing going through my head!).....The doctors have said listen to Paul McKenna, get up, drink hot milk and so on. Take anti depressants.. That scared me.  I don't feel depressed at the moment. I have been taking magnesium supplements and since then have been feeling much calmer.

So, I don't know.  I know it's annoying and I know I'm tired, but I have some good days and some bad. It's a pain though. I just want to sleep. Maybe that's my problem. Stop wanting it. Maybe I should get up and make bread. Or even croissants which frankly would at least mean a good breakfast!

The wonders of the Lakeland catalogue

OK, so this isn't the Lakeland catalogue, but instead a picture of Corfe Castle in Dorset.  We had a great holiday - I can't believe I'm back at work already.  If only we could win the lottery, pay off the mortgage and spend all our time on holiday! But that would require buying a ticket, and a massive miracle.

So, back to work. Oh the joys.  The trains are still rubbish - it was amazing how well they ran during the Olympics, like clockwork.  Then the Olympics finished and all I can think is that the bonuses stopped.  No more clockwork trains.

The dad of a very old friend of mine died while we were away.  I went to the funeral on Monday.  It was quite difficult (quite? I mean very - and he wasn't my dad!).  I was so incredibly impressed by her strength as she stood up and said some words about him and about the wonderful life he had lived.  How she could do that without breaking down I don't know.  It made me think though, it made me think of how lucky I am to have Peter, my two monkey children, and to still have my parents and brother.  I realise how many questions I have to ask my mum and dad - like how my mum makes her Christmas cake, what is was like to go on a big boat to Australia during the war, what the 60s were like for them!  I should write a list and ask them so I don't ever wish I had but never did.

Anyway, onto more positive tones.  Isobel has decided that she wants to be an ipad when she grows up.  How we laughed we she announced that one!  Arthur is running around cuddling everyone in sight which is lovely. And me? Well, I am still getting better I think.  The pills aren't needed anymore and I can't believe its about 6 months since I stopped.  It's still hard at times, but I'm monitoring it and can now quite clearly link it to the lovely monthly cycle.  So at certain times I should really just stick a sticker on my head and say 'keep away, I'm grumpy'. 

Durdle Door coastline (not the door itself of course).  One of my favourite spots!

I have also realise that what I need is a little adventure.  Holidays with family are great, I love them.  But I realise that before I had children I used to travel.  Quite a bit.  I traveled with work and on holiday - to some great and different places - Ethiopia, Rwanda, Uzbekistan, Northumberland (!) and so on.  Since becoming pregnant with Isobel more than 4 years ago I've been on a plane once (well, twice if you count coming back again).

It's a massive change.  I don't want my old life back in terms of traveling a lot with work etc., but I do want a little bit of travel again.  So, the plans are afoot.  It's off to Delhi and Orissa next year (for work, to see some toilets - 2.5 billion people don't have access to 'improved' sanitation - basically they poo in the open.  I'm off to look at work being done to try to help address this problem and understand how to do it in a cost effective way - i.e - build toilets that people actually use).  Then, and this is the exciting bit.  To Burma hopefully, with another very old friend.  Just a week but even so.  I am so excited at the thought.

To counter that excitement and help me sleep, I have found myself perusing the Lakeland catalogue.  Now Lakeland, for those who aren't familiar, is a shop which sells all sorts of stuff for the kitchen (and home) - from baking trays to peelers and knives.  And always some sort of crazy thing that you can't imagine anyone using.  Peter and I had a competition - to find the most useless looking item.  In the current catalogue, in order of perceived uselessness we have:

• the stuffing protector (£8) - not quite sure why string won't do...very closely followed by
• the tea tool 'no drips on worktops, no burnt fingers and no mess' - seems like glorified tongs for a teabag to us! (£4.49)
• the egg boiling machine (£11.99)

And finally, the Great British Bake Off - oh my, it's the final next week.  What will I do when it finishes AND there are no Olympics to watch!  I am going to place a bet I think, on James.  The Tank Top boy.  I love his flavours and use of Whiskey!

So the Olympics are over.....but the sun is out!

Yes, we had a great time! It was such a happy two weeks, not sure it was quite worth £9billion but oh well - it's spent now and we all had fun (well, this family did anyway!).

One afternoon, whilst watching the diving, Isobel appeared.  She watched, quietly in the background as they dived off those 10m boards.  'Can you do that mummy?'.  Ha ha, how I wished I could but I think my fear of heights will stop me.  The next day she was practicing at the side of the baby pool.....now then, diving off 10m boards, not something I imagine I would be very good at watching her do if she did decide she wanted to give it a go!

I'm just posting a few pictures of the Olympic park as it looked so lovely.  Aren't these flowers great?

So, I've had a blood test for my thyroid.  Now they say it's fine but I might be anaemic! So another blood test is needed.  A friend who has an underactive thyroid said that there are links between all these things from the research she has done.  Let's see what happens!  Interestingly, there are also reports about the happy pills I took (Sertraline) and thyroid problems, although it doesn't appear to be statistically significant research in terms of a strong relationship! Still, it might explain it.

One of the highlights of the olympics was us watching Usain Bolt in the 200m semi finals.  My goodness that man can run.  I laughed though.  Mo Farrah runs a 5 km in what, 12 mins?  And looks like he's barely exerted himself.  I run 5km in about 30 mins and look like a beetroot!  Don't think I have those Olympic genes somehow!!!

Next week we plan to get back to some Jamie Oliver cooking as he's taken a backseat for a while.  However, there are two other contenders for our cooking attention - the Great British Bake Off is back! Hoorah.  And they made bagels last night - which has inspired me again!  The other contender is a 50s buffet party after I found a 1950s cookbook of my granny's in my mum and dad's loft.  Some tuna vol-o-vont, shrimp boats and babycham!  Bring it on

The sun is shining!!!

Yes it really is! So much rain and now a day of sun...and apparently it's going to be sunny tomorrow!  It might just prevent the development of webbed feet but only just.

Isobel has been on good form this week - it's so lovely when she is like this.  It makes finishing the happy pills so much easier.  I am due to take my last one tomorrow! Can't believe it.  They have been a lifesaver I think.  I was so scared of taking them and now I suppose part of me is scared of coming off them completely - although I don't think they are needed any more.

So, why has she been on top form? Well, I don't know.  Maybe because it's not been quite as tediously wet (yes, I know 'we need the rain' - but why can't it come at night and then be sunny in the day? I mean, surely that couldn't be that hard?).  We went to the lovely Wisley on Wednesday - I've not been for ages and it didn't let us down, despite the rain.

On the way there, stuck in very slow traffic on the M25, she chirps 'I don't like this road Mummy.  Can we go on another one to Wisley?'.  If only I think.  But we keep going - helped by never ending rounds of 'eye spy'....which goes something like this:

Mummy: I spy with my little eye, something white
Isobel: No pink.  I spy with my little eye something pink.
Mummy: Your jumper
Isobel: My turn. I spy......something white.
Mummy: The lorry....my turn...
Isobel: No, me. I spy....

And so it goes on - we have green (grass or trees), black (steering wheel), blue (coat) and that's about it.  So we repeat.

The game was briefly interrupted by me getting over excited listening to Heart as someone finally guessed one of the voices and won £5000! I couldn't believe it.  It's been going on for months! How my life has changed - excited by listening to Heart FM.

At Wisley we had even more of a laugh - not only did Isobel ruin everything she was wearing jumping about in muddy puddles (let's be honest - there are lots of them!) she then declared that 'odd' was her new word....and so had lots of fun going up to people and telling them they were odd! Mmmh, not something to be encouraged perhaps but really quite entertaining.

Anyway, back to the happy pills.  Yes, I come off them tomorrow.  Last weekend I felt quite wretched.  Really tired, upset stomach, no appetite, grumpy and so on.  Peter was convinced I needed to go back on the pills.  I wasn't as convinced.  I think it might be PMS.  Anyway, I am now on a new regime - the running has died down a bit (partly because of the weather, partly because of long working days for Peter which limits my time to get out) and so I have been reading about PMS and what might help.  As a result I feel like a pill popper:

- Vitamin B complex (for B12)
- Iron
- Evening Primrose Oil
- Calcium and Magnesium (I've cut down on milky coffee in a vague attempt to cut the pounds - both the spent ones and the weight ones!)

Seems to have made a difference - but it's probably all a placebo effect.
 
The week has ended well - all the sunshine today, out on Box Hill (where the Olympic road cycling will take place) having a picnic in the sun which was lovely.   Let's see what happens when the pills stop!

I can't believe he's one

Where has the time gone?  So I made the jolly green dinosaur and jolly pleased I was too!

It went down a treat too.

Work is still going well.  In fact, I'm really enjoying it which is good.  I'm strict on my hours but it's going OK and the men I work with (and women) are great.  It's interesting though as I've worked for some quite high powered women in the past - women with children who I thought would be understanding about the need to leave to pick up children and the challenges in balancing it all.  They weren't quite as understanding as I thought they might be.  It eventually came out that that's because they had nannies - nannies who were there bright and early, all day and sometimes at night too! So no rushing from A to B to drop them off, pick them up, think about tea, do the washing, get to work, and so on and so on.  The men I'm working with on the other hand are full of the old 'I wish I'd spent more time with my kids when they were little'. 

So we're now gearing up for Isobel turning 3.  Will the tantrums stop? Ha. I do wonder.  After today's performance.  We went to an Easter Egg Hunt (the first of a few she has been invited to).  To start with she was a little unsure of what to do.  I could see this look of 'why is everyone else running about all excited? What do I do with this plastic pot?'. But she soon got the hang of it and piled up the eggs....and then promptly sat down and started unwrapping them and shovelling them in as quickly as she could.  Anyone would think they were going to get up and walk!  Eventually I thought, that's probably enough now (as she was practically bursting chocolate out of every part of her!) so I had to remove them.  Oh my. Oh my.  One and a half hours of screaming.  And lying on the ground. And screaming a bit more.  What did the other children do?  Look at her then carry on eating their breadsticks.  Oh the joy.  How I needed a gin at 11am!

She has since almost forgotten about the eggs which I've put away in the fridge ready for Easter itself.  Clearly I am some sort of mean mummy.  Fancy taking the eggs away from her.  She did actually vomit up chocolate though so I think I was right!  A friend told me once how everyone had told them about the terrible twos but no one had mentioned how three year olds might become 'demonic' (that might have been a bit harsh but it got the message across!).

She is lovely though.  We made hot cross buns this afternoon.  To take to Grandma.  I'm slightly concerned that they are going to be full of her hair but ho hum.  Since when did a bit of hair hurt?  She is now in bed singing the Sound of Music very very loudly to her 'little rabbit' (which is actually Arthur's but he doesn't seem to have noticed).

I'm slowly reducing the pills as per the doctors orders.  Now on 50mg a day for the next 10 days, then 50mg every other day then nothing! Am feeling OK about it.  Slightly scared as I seem to be feeling awfully tired and have a strange taste in my mouth (is that the pills? I am hoping it's either that or PMT and not anything else!!!!).

Right, I think that gin is most definately calling!!!

And he's off.....

I feel like Murray Walker. Days before his first birthday, Arthur is off. He has started to move! Even though I can dangers at every turn as he is so much more nosey than Isobel was, it is sooo exciting. And he was so happy he started clapping! He started slowly this morning but is now getting up speed. Isobel better watch out, he will be after her now.

It's been a good week. My first challenge in terms of balancing the poorly baby with work which was OK, work were quite understanding and he just wanted to sleep all day which meant I could do quite a bit from home. It was also a milestone as the doctor has started me on my programme of reducing the pills. I feel ok about it.  I feel that I am a different person to that if last year when I couldn't stop crying.  For someone so scared of the pills, I must say I am so grateful to them. And to Peter who has been like a rock (which is good considering his name!). But now its time to come off them. Fingers crossed it will go ok. Let's see.

And then I went for a couple of lovely runs. One along the river on Monday morning, past St Pauls and Big Ben in the cold and sun, then through the woods.  Running has been my other saviour.

This weekend is another challenge - making a jolly green dinosaur cake!

Summer is on the way!

Yes, today is the shortest day of the year.  It always makes me happy - it means the days are getting longer again from tomorrow and summer is on it's way!  A real reason for celebration.

I went to the doctor yesterday having been on the pills for 6 months now.  I wanted to get an idea about what happens next.  Whilst in there I bumped into the counsellor - obviously he didn't recognise me but it reminded me to comment on it to the doctor.  No apologies made.  Just 'well, he is a man, and maybe has a different approach to a woman....'.  Anyway, the doctor wants me to continue with the medication until March - basically for two main reasons:

• the weather (dull, damp, dark, short days etc etc)
• going back to work in early March and the changes that might bring (positive or negative)

I think that's sensible.  Part of me wants to rush to come off them, but the other part of me doesn't want to end up like I was in the summer again.  So, the pills continue.

Then last night I went to see the counsellor.  It was helpful, although Peter feels that he's been saying these things to me anyway - I think it's perhaps an issue of you owning it yourself.  It's ok for other people to say things, make suggestions, all of which might be highly sensible.  But, for me at least, it seems that unless you own it, you don't take it onboard and act on it.  'Ownership'.  A great word. I remember trying to get Peter to 'own' his dinner choices when I wasn't going to be around - I could tell him what was in the fridge that he might like to eat but I could tell he wasn't paying a huge amount of attention.  So to help with health health and to avoid the 'what can I eat' question later on, I used to encourage him to own it (so, basically he would tell me what he could have for dinner) - ha ha, how ridiculous!  I should have just left him to his own devices.  He could have eaten a kebab for dinner (healthy don't you know - they have salad in them!) and it doesn't really matter.  

Anyway, so the counsellor got me thinking.  I realised yesterday quite how often I say 'I have to do this' or 'I should do that'.  It was when I said to Peter that I had to make the soup for dinner that it struck me that perhaps I try to do too much.  I've never been good at sitting still.  I suppose I've always had the view that you have one life and so I tried to pack as much into as possible.  Anyway, I think that it has something to do with the PND - after Isobel and Arthur were born I remember baking cakes and trying to just get on with life - perhaps almost as though nothing has changed.  Instead I should have been sitting and resting and drinking tea perhaps.  Too late now.

So, I have to challenge myself and Peter is going to help - everytime I rattle off a list of all the things I say I have to do, I need to ask 'do I have to do that? does it need to be done? will I enjoy doing it? who am I feeling I have to do it for' and so on.  Let's see what happens!

On reflection, a few things I think have really helped me this year with the PND, apart from the pills:

• turning off the doom and gloom on the radio in the morning and putting on some dance tunes
• running
• having more prepared meals (though we think we need to kickstart this again)
• having more time to myself and more nights out with Peter
• baking new things (it's the achievement I like and the time it can give for some peace and quiet)
• drinking more water
• having a mantra in my head - like on returning from a run in the morning at the weekend 'it doesn't matter if the table is dirty and there is weetabix on the floor, we can clean it up later'

What happens when PND causes a wobble?

I had a bit of a wobble on Sunday.  Everything is OK now.  But I thought maybe I should share what a wobble feels like when it happens in case it helps anyone else.  Basically, I just feel overwhelmed by everything.  I am really irritable and everything Peter does is wrong.  I just want Isobel and Arthur to go to bed and be quiet.  I feel that my life has become a relentless set of chores where I can see no end in sight.  I sat on the floor holding Arthur to help calm him down, with tears flowing down my cheeks and just thinking - is this really it?  I just wanted to walk out of the house.

Now its funny as I don't think feelings like this are that extreme.  Before I took the pills, this would happen a lot and last a lot longer.  And the tears would stay all day.  And I know I have it quite lightly really.  I feel almost guilty for sharing this as I feel that people will judge me and think I'm a bad mother or something for feeling like this.  Perhaps that's why it's not really talked about?  How many people (men can have it too apparently) are out there not really talking about how they are feeling?

I'm so glad I'm getting better.  Most days my children are a joy.  Peter is great - and he is great with the children.  I am very lucky and I can't wait to get myself off these pills and back to my old self - it feels like it's more likely every day now.

Busy Busy Busy - and a rant....

Had a really busy week.  It's been fun though.  Peter is trying to remind me to take my pills - he's worried the depression will come back if I stop.  I don't mean to not take them but sometimes I just seem to forget!

The Christmas puddings are now done and waiting in a cool place for Xmas day.  I love Christmas pudding.  And Christmas Cake.  And mince pies.  Waitrose mincemeat is particularly good - especially if you add a bit of extra brandy!

All ready - including a little one for Isobel!

I went to Mothercare - why? Why did I do it?  I hate Mothercare.  I am apparently not alone.  There is a whole mumsnet listing about it.  I won't list all the reasons but needless to say I found that equipment is more expensive than other places (even John Lewis), service is quite dire and everything seems to be pink or blue!  I was particularly vexed by the bibs (in pink...or blue) which said 'King in Training' and 'Princess in Training' - so why is the blue one for a boy promoting higher 'goals' than that for a girl?  Surely it should be Prince in Training or Queen in Training.  It makes me so cross. It made me think of the Pink Stinks campaign - more info can be found on their website but basically all about the messaging that clothing, the media etc can send to young girls and boys.

Lovely autumn colours at Wisley - good for the soul

I took Isobel and Arthur to Wisley (twice!) and boy what fun we had.  There was a lot of splashing in muddy puddles - I didn't manage to capture quite how dirty and wet she was!  And we were all saying - the person who invented Peppa Pig - talk about a money machine!!!  Practically every toddler there had Peppa Pig wellies on, and then there were books, furry toys and so on! Obviously in Mothercare you can buy a Peppa Pig princess costume - complete with Peppa Pig furry head thing!  Mmmh.

Dosa and LEDs

Quite a busy week.  Finished off by an hour in a baby sensory room (see above) which is like a chillout room in a nightclub but for babies.....and tired mums!

Forgot to take my pill another few times - it's not a good idea to stop suddenly apparently.  I have been told that I need to be on them for about 6 - 9 months in order to really get over this.  I still wonder how they really work - do they mask the symptoms and give you the space you need to sort yourself out and for your hormones to settle or do they somehow help 'fix' you by creating positive feedback loops.  The counsellor couldn't really explain that bit - but then the counsellor has, to be frank, been rubbish.  I've seen him twice in about 4 months.  He arranges everything by text, then cancels, then says 'I'll see you again in a few weeks' and then doesn't get in touch.  All a bit odd.  So I think I'll look at some private counselling as I think it would be good to get someone to talk through coping mechanisms with.

My main issue I needed to help tackle (and may still need to) is insomnia.  I had no idea that depression could lead to sleep problems but apparently it's one of the classic symptoms.  It was amazing - 6 weeks exactly after Arthur was born, it started.  It was exactly the same as with after Isobel (I had been told by my doctor at that time that I should ask my husband to 'make me a cup of tea').  I think it was worse this time because I knew it had come back and I was sooooo hoping that it wouldn't.  I used to get so wound up and angry that I couldn't sleep, convince myself that I would never sleep again and have some quite scary thoughts about how I could stop my mind racing.  I thought I was going mad.  I thought I was having a nervous breakdown.  The health visitor tried to help.  A homeopath tried to help.  Peter tried to help.  I tried hot chocolate, valerian tea (not recommended when breastfeeding though!), tranquility tea, camomille tea, reading a book, not reading a book etc etc.  What worked?  The pills worked.  As soon as I took them.


Anyway, moving on.  I have had a productive week on the creative front.  In addition to planting bulbs in the front garden (clearly I can't remember what they are called), I've been cooking and baking - a lot!  Last week my great triumph was the masala dosa I made following a Jamie Oliver recipe which uses gram flour.  I love masala dosa.  I used to eat it a lot when I worked in Malaysia.  It was a staple, in addition to nasi lemak (or fat rice....which I must try to make).

Adding the potato mix to the dosa

Trying to illustrate the crispy base!

Yummy.  With yoghurt and MD Mango Chutney

New Forest Tree Climbing

It seems Isobel doesn't like donkeys.  We were out for a walk near Lyndhurst and a donkey pottered along towards us.  The bravado of my little toddler suddenly disappeared....'duddle mummy, I want a duddle' she said as she hid behind my legs whilst the donkey tried to eat Arty's lunch!  Soon forgotten with a visit to the sandpit.

The nice thing about being on holiday is having a gin and tonic at the end of the day whilst sitting out enjoying this lovely weather we're having at the moment!  And we decided we deserved the gin and tonic having battled with energetic toddlers all day.  I can't drink more than about 1 as with these pills I have noticed that I don't sleep as well and sleep is the big thing that I had problems with with the depression.  Gin and cadburys fruit and nut - a recipe for a happy life!

We found a lovely spot for a walk and a spot of tree climbing.

It appears that Isobel loves to climb trees - I am very happy about this.  I like climbing trees.  She was really quite the little adventurer, refusing to be held and wanting to do it alone!  I thought of something I read in the papers a while ago about how kids aren't getting the outdoor activity that they need/used to get.  Found something whilst looking for it online:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/education/2008/aug/03/schools.children

Having climbed her trees, she just had a major meltdown....too much fresh air maybe?  I couldn't do anything more than laugh as she asked for a cuddle, then said no cuddle, then cuddle, then no mummy, then cuddle......She is getting a bit big to carry on shoulders for too long I found out!

Anyway, the journey home was relatively calm and now we're preparing for the holiday to Norfolk! Can't wait - we're going to be near the sea so buckets and spades will need to be packed!!