We're moving.....to Dhaka!

So, it's been a while.  Life has gone a bit bonkers.  The weather remains cold and depressing - I've been wondering if it's a conspiracy by British Gas and the like to keep our bills high!

Anyway, I was going to start writing some blogs about my sourdough attempts.  There have been many and varied. 

This is how my starter started (thank you Mr HollyWood).  Contents - a festering organic apple, some flour and some water:

This is a more recent success (i.e - it actually rose and was light and airy!):

However, times have now moved on and it's time to reinvigorate this blogging m-larky.

In fact, I'm going to change the name slightly, a play on words.  From now on I think it should be known as 'Tales of Sundarban motherhood....' after the Sundarbans (http://whc.unesco.org/en/list/452) which represent the world's largest stretch of mangrove forest.

We are moving to Dhaka.  Why I hear many people ask?  Well, in terms of work it's one of the best places for me - I'm a climate change and environment nut and so to work in one of the main countries which is going to feel the full impact of climate change it makes such huge sense.  For the kids, well, OK it's going to be a shock (the sheer numbers of people, the air quality, the new schools etc) but I am hoping that it will open their minds to the world, the realities in which so many people have to live and give them opportunities to travel to places beyond most people's wildest dreams (Sri Lanka, Nepal, China, Bhutan....the list goes on!).

Anyway, I thought it would be good to start documenting this process.  And my is it a process.  My first visit in almost 10 years is next week.  For Peter it's his first visit.  He's hard core though.  I don't have any concerns.  After all, he has picked up dead bodies post-genocide in Rwanda.  Here's hoping he can find some sort of job - I'm not sure how long he could really cope with playing tennis at the club and going for tea with the spouses......

The kids aren't coming with us on this trip. They are staying at home with granny and papa.  Granny and Papa have got a house full of gin to cope with the aftermarth! Isobel seems relatively interested in the notion of moving to 'Blangladesh' although I'm not entirely (well, not at all) convinced she really has a clue what it means.  I say that, she understands she has to go on a plane - and then completely freaks out at the thought of them shutting the doors on the plane after she has got on!  Which makes me chuckle, especially as she asks in the same sentence whether the plane 'goes upside down' to Blangladesh.

So, from now on this blog is going to focus on the trials and tribulations of moving to Dhaka and living there with a small family.  The things we see, the smells, the tastes, the chaos, the frustration and the happiness.  I hope it will give an insight into life overseas not only for us but also and in particular for those for whom Bangladesh is home.

And of course, I can always try to make sourdough in Dhaka....and maybe branch out to make sourdough bagels for the expats?

Green fingers? Who me?

Now then, would you look at that - a green pepper! Growing on our windowsill.  We have loads! So, we will mainly be eating peppers, potatoes, onions, garlic and leeks for the next few months!!

I'm pleased with myself as I've kept them growing and looking well while Peter has been away and even the tomatoes in the garden look good!

So, Peter is back - hoorah! The kids are beside themselves with excitement.  I'm beside myself with tiredness as suddenly I can stop and relax - and guess what, more insomnia! I hate insomnia.  But I'm getting better at dealing with it.  Anyway, the level of excitement with the kids is quite entertaining - it's like they have forgotten that mummy was looking after them day in, day out for a whole month! Mummy? Who is mummy? I want daddy!

And so I've been really chuckling as I read this book which was recommended to me as a bit of a light read.  How true so much of it is:

This won't spin round to be the right way up for some reason so you'll have to bend your head!

It's really making me chuckle.  It could have been written by me (but it's not and I can't write like this - but it's made me feel so much better that I'm not alone with some of my thoughts at times!) And here are a few snippets which had me laughing, especially the one related to daddy coming back!

DAD GLAMOUR

You're the primary carer, but as soon as Dad walks in, wow, they're cheering like it's snowing giant party bags stuffed with Gogos and fluffy kittens.  Now, to quote my four-year-old, that's not fair.

ALCOHOL

....you forget about the restorative powers of two Anadin, a cup of camomile tea and an early night.  Instead, you speed-read your way through The Gruffalo in order to get the Shiraz cracked open by 7.05.....

ENJOYING IT
.....appropriate questions to ask someone recently delivered of a child (as opposed to 'are you enjoying it')....

•  Are you tyrannised by parenting books
• Were you terrified of doing your first poo after labour? (ha ha - my husband was unaware of this issue until I laughed at the thought as I remembered the fear!!!)
• Have you rung NHS direct yet?

Anyway, onto more serious matters.  One of the things I read in the book sparked my interest in terms of a comment about research which had been undertaken on childcare options and impact on development.  It made me think of the guilt section of the book - the guilt trip society places on new mums in particular for not breastfeeding, not sneezing their baby out whilst listening to mozart etc.  And this comment made me think of the never ending media coverage about how parents are so bad for sending their kids to nurseries because they will be disfunctional and then the next day, how mothers need to get back to work and stop staying at home, then the next day how we all ought to have a nanny and so on and so on.

I did a quick google search for some stories to illustrate it:

• Nursery care = children turning into yobs - http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-446564/Nurseries-turning-children-yobs.html
• Are nurseries bad for our kids - http://www.guardian.co.uk/education/2004/jul/08/schools.uk
• Nurseries are better than grandparents - http://www.guardian.co.uk/education/2009/feb/10/grandparents-childcare-pre-schoolhttp://www.guardian.co.uk/education/2009/feb
• Working mums are happier - http://www.everydayhealth.com/womens-health/1213/working-moms-vs-stay-at-home-moms-whos-happier.aspx
• Stay at home mums are more depressed - http://www.parentdish.co.uk/2012/05/23/stay-at-home-mums-more-angry-depressed-and-laugh-less-than-working-mothers/
• Is childcare bad for children (childcare which you need to go to work to be 'happier' apparently) - http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/insight-therapy/201010/is-non-parental-daycare-bad-children

Best not to read these things I think is the answer!

And I finish on another happy note - I made a fabric tray.  I've been meaning to make one for ages but finally managed it, the night before Peter came home.  Mainly to stop  Peter putting his keys and other 'kipple' down on my newly painted windowsill!

It's PPPPPPPEPPA PIG Mummy.....

And so it is!  I finally found the photo I took of Peppa and George on the Spa Valley Railway last weekend.  It did make me smile - the sheer excitement in the queue waiting to see them and then the panic when they got up close!  Anyway, I thought they looked good in this photo so I would share it!

It's been a funny old week really.  I have had more sleep after Sunday - though on Sunday and Monday my Insomnia returned.  I tried really hard to think of all the tips I'd gone through with the counsellor to deal with my reaction and remain calm and guess what - it worked! So I slept OK - not as well as usual but OK.  I have found that this herbal tea by Dr Stuart helps in terms of calming down (the valerian one is great but I worried a little that I might be so sound asleep that I wouldn't hear the little ones!).

I was at home earlier in the week, I'm lucky really as my work is pretty good at supporting flexible working which makes being 'home alone' a lot easier.  I could just drop the kids off at nursery and then come home and carry on.  It is a bit of a challenge though when Peter is away as not going into the office means you're even more isolated that you might otherwise be.   I'd read that some of the roads were closed in London near the office (the Olympics apparently.....) so I thought I'd walk this morning rather than get on my bike as surely then I could walk across St James' Park (my favourite park in London).  How wrong was I! I asked a 'steward' whether there was any access to the park, very politely as the rubrick wasn't completely clear and was met by a standard surly 'no, go round'.  I hope they improve their customer relations by the time the Olympics start!

Mid week, and despite my plan otherwise, I found myself tempting back to Jamie Oliver.  I was pondering what to cook the kids for lunch that would be relatively healthy and be a bit different so I plumped for the Meatballs recipe (from the Naked Chef of course) together with the tomato sauce.  And to top it off, I had it with some of the pasta I'd made earlier with Peter.  Verdict - really really easy, really really tasty and the kids loved it!  I would strongly recommend!

It doesn't look as good as it was in real life!

Then, we were lucky as in the office today we got to see Ang San Suu Kyi who I think is a remarkable lady and it was really was quite an opportunity to be able to see her.  It lifted my spirits really, as have the kids this evening who have been delightful.  Isobel wanted me to draw a picture of her daddy in a tent (he is in a tent in the refugee area of South Sudan - here is a link to some press coverage of the situation there -  http://allafrica.com/stories/201206210834.html).  So we did, and then she got a bit upset - I think because I mentioned he might have a beard when he got back and her parting words to me this evening were 'mummy, I want my daddy but I don't want a beard'.....

I thought I would end with a snippet from Peter about his work in Sudan - it's not getting a lot of press coverage so this is my little bit to raise it:

I am going towards the Sudan border today to have a look at refugee camps and reception centres where there is a significant malnutrition problem which we may take action on. In the meantime we are desperately trying to build up our campsite so that it will be habitable before Friday when we have to leave the comparative luxury (pit latrine, bucket shower) of the MSF compound.

There are about 2000 people a day being bussed up from the border, but there are no supplies here to give them so for the moment they are arriving, receiving a bucket and a cooking pot and that's it. No tents, so they are just sat out there under trees with very little to sustain them. There is no where near enough water and sanitation provision so I have to keep my eyes peeled so as not to step in human poo.

Where is Noah's Ark?

So apparently we are in a state of drought. We have a hose pipe ban. We have water butts. I know the rain is ideally meant to come in the winter, to recharge the groundwater.....but since they announced the drought restrictions what has happened? Rain. Rain. Rain. Oh my god I feel I am slowly going mouldy! I might even have to get Isobels toy ark out and prepare it for a great get away!

The trouble with rain is that the kids get all grumpy. They don't go outside as much. The sky is dark. It's not good for someone just over PND whose husband has gone away for a month and who is longing to see the sun! If its still raining tomorrow I think we might well build some toy boats and take them out somewhere in the garden to see where they go!

So, its day 4 of no Peter. Everything is just a rush. Rush to get dressed and have breakfast before the kids get up, rush to get them ready and to nursery, rush to get the train (I have borrowed Peter's brompton to save time.....ha ha, how everyone looked at me as I tried to remember how to fold it up and ended up covered in oil!), rush to get to the office, rush to get all the work done, rush to get home....oh and eventually remember to eat my lunch.....and so on.

I have however learnt from the past year and my struggles with depression. I am therefore going to try to make things easy for myself. One thing that is going for the month is my attempt to cook all the Jamie O recipes. I love cooking. I find it relaxing but I also need to find tume to just sit in the evening and rest. Overdoing it was one of the many causes of the PND I think.

Last time Peter went away for this long was just before Arthur was born. I remember how I felt. At the time there was no mention of depression but I knew something wasn't right, I just didn't really admit it to myself let alone anyone else. I remember lying on the floor screaming alongside Isobel who was also screaming. I just thought how I had had enough, how I was such a bad mother, how I resented my daughter and my husband for changing my life in such a dramatic way, how I didn't think I could cope with another child and so on. I was distraught. I then felt terribly guilty for having these thoughts, convinced myself that that meant I was a terrible mother.

Looking back on it I think it was a sign that the depression was there, that I was exhausted and needed help. I wish I had acted on that then but the next day I felt fine. It's easy not to talk to someone when you feel ok, they need to be there when you are having a really bad day.

I still have bad days when I wonder what on earth I am doing. I know now that everyone does. But I also see all the positives and am able to take a deep breath and laugh about the situation rather than cry. I thank my health visitor, husband and friends for that. Oh, and those little pills I was so scared of taking!

Naked Cheff-ess makes pasta!

Minted pea and asparagus risotto from le Naked Chef

So, on returning from sunny Preston it was back to the Jamie Oliver challenge.  Another set of asparagus recipes given that it's in season.  A little bit of info about asparagus - English asparagus is yummy yummy when it's in season.  Peruvian asparagus is also found in the shops - supporting the livelihoods of those in Peru and helping to raise GDP in the area but with big environmental impacts.  If you are interested in reading more, look at:

 http://www.guardian.co.uk/environment/2010/sep/15/peru-asparagus-british-wells

Anyway, back to Jamie O.  We have mainly made two recipes this week - minted pea and asparagus risotto and asparagus and ricotta tortellini.  Both from the Naked Chef.

Now then, the risotto was easy, we make lots of risotto and the kids love it (Arty loves moist food - so risotto is normally always a hit!).  The mint made it taste lovely and summery which was needed given the rubbish weather.  So, the minted pea and asparagus risotto gets good marks.

Next up, tortellini.  This required making pasta.  Ha ha. This was actually quite easy - I was quite surprised!  You can basically make it all in the food processor, kneed it a little bit and then put it in the fridge.   The filling was a little bit more time consuming to be honest - you basically cook up the asparagus with some garlic, then add the ricotta and some mint.  The preparing of the asparagus was the time consuming bit.

Pasta begins to take shape!

Then onto the next stage - making the pasta dough look like pasta.  What fun we had.  We found my mum and dad's old pasta machine and off to work we went!  It was quite good fun - we seemed to end up with loads!  After filling the tortellini (took quite a while....so not something to do when you are hank marvin as we were - doesn't lead to particularly well crafted tortellini as you're too desperate to eat something!), we ended up with some left over so made a bit of tagliatelle as well.  I looked up how to freeze it and found a few good links:

http://www.jamieoliver.com/forum/viewtopic.php?pid=254119

and

http://www.dailyunadventuresincooking.com/2009/05/how-to-freeze-homemade-pasta.html/

The finished product - and it was very yummy!

 
Peter is off to South Sudan tomorrow for a month.....I'm in sole charge....I'm already slightly worried about how much gin I might have to consume!  When I'm in sole charge it always makes me think of how hard being a single parent must be.  We don't have a lot of family nearby so have to rely very much on friends but when it's just you, you can't go out as easily, you don't get that little rest from the screaming at the weekend and you basically rush to work, rush around at work and then rush back.  Hopefully it might mean I shed a few pounds (I ate a bit of cake over the jubilee you see!).

I won't be able to go running much which will be hard but luckily I've found a few exciting things to take Isobel to - Peppa Pig on the Spa Valley Railway, Wisley (why not - we've not been for at least....erm, well 3 weeks!) and the Gruffalo!  I'm almost more excited than she is!

Now we are three.....

And so far, we've been quite a challenge!  I find going to work to be a huge relief - is that wrong?  At work I can go to the toilet with no one wanting to get me out, scream at me, hit her brother and so on and so on.

Isobel has been crying.  A lot.  It's as though she turned three and decided to turn on the tears.  This sometimes brings me to tears.  Everything ends up being some form of tantrum or meltdown.  OK, so I might be exaggerating but that is how it feels!  I see other 3 year olds sitting there, quietly getting on with their jigsaw puzzle or drinking their drink and I wonder how they manage it as mine screams or runs around like a nutter!  It's not as though I don't try to discipline her - I've tried focusing on the 'big stuff' and not nit picking.  I've tried rewards/stickers.  I've tried the 'time out step'.  I'm worn out from trying!  I find myself blaming myself for having done something wrong - does she resent the fact that I'm back at work? Does she resent the fact that Arthur came along? Does she get enough to eat? Too much? Enough sleep? Too much?  I'm tired.  I'm tired of dreading my days off when she wakes up screaming and continues all day.  She is so lovely when she's calm and relaxed and playing but recently she just hasn't been doing that all that much!  Is it the PND, is it still there making me more sensitive or is it just her? Just a phase she is going through?

Juggling work and children is tiring.  I think it's tiring because you almost want your days at home with them to be lovely and to do lots of fun things.  So it's sad when they aren't and when your children don't seem to be happy.  The constant rushing from a to b - to drop them off, pick them up, make sure there is something to eat, pay the bills, get up earlier than normal is tiring too.  There also seems to be less time to see your partner!  I've taken than on too - trying to book in some time with babysitters so we can go out to the pub or something.  Peter is lovely, but he is also quite happy to just be in, putting the children to bed and sitting on the sofa (not necessarily watching TV as we have TV free nights!). I like that too, but I also want to feel like a person again - not just a mother to two lovely children!  A couple of hours out every now and then can make all the difference!

Anyway, I shouldn't moan.  We are all quite happy really and I'm lucky to have such great children and a lovely husband, however much they might challenge me at times!

I can't believe he's one

Where has the time gone?  So I made the jolly green dinosaur and jolly pleased I was too!

It went down a treat too.

Work is still going well.  In fact, I'm really enjoying it which is good.  I'm strict on my hours but it's going OK and the men I work with (and women) are great.  It's interesting though as I've worked for some quite high powered women in the past - women with children who I thought would be understanding about the need to leave to pick up children and the challenges in balancing it all.  They weren't quite as understanding as I thought they might be.  It eventually came out that that's because they had nannies - nannies who were there bright and early, all day and sometimes at night too! So no rushing from A to B to drop them off, pick them up, think about tea, do the washing, get to work, and so on and so on.  The men I'm working with on the other hand are full of the old 'I wish I'd spent more time with my kids when they were little'. 

So we're now gearing up for Isobel turning 3.  Will the tantrums stop? Ha. I do wonder.  After today's performance.  We went to an Easter Egg Hunt (the first of a few she has been invited to).  To start with she was a little unsure of what to do.  I could see this look of 'why is everyone else running about all excited? What do I do with this plastic pot?'. But she soon got the hang of it and piled up the eggs....and then promptly sat down and started unwrapping them and shovelling them in as quickly as she could.  Anyone would think they were going to get up and walk!  Eventually I thought, that's probably enough now (as she was practically bursting chocolate out of every part of her!) so I had to remove them.  Oh my. Oh my.  One and a half hours of screaming.  And lying on the ground. And screaming a bit more.  What did the other children do?  Look at her then carry on eating their breadsticks.  Oh the joy.  How I needed a gin at 11am!

She has since almost forgotten about the eggs which I've put away in the fridge ready for Easter itself.  Clearly I am some sort of mean mummy.  Fancy taking the eggs away from her.  She did actually vomit up chocolate though so I think I was right!  A friend told me once how everyone had told them about the terrible twos but no one had mentioned how three year olds might become 'demonic' (that might have been a bit harsh but it got the message across!).

She is lovely though.  We made hot cross buns this afternoon.  To take to Grandma.  I'm slightly concerned that they are going to be full of her hair but ho hum.  Since when did a bit of hair hurt?  She is now in bed singing the Sound of Music very very loudly to her 'little rabbit' (which is actually Arthur's but he doesn't seem to have noticed).

I'm slowly reducing the pills as per the doctors orders.  Now on 50mg a day for the next 10 days, then 50mg every other day then nothing! Am feeling OK about it.  Slightly scared as I seem to be feeling awfully tired and have a strange taste in my mouth (is that the pills? I am hoping it's either that or PMT and not anything else!!!!).

Right, I think that gin is most definately calling!!!

And he's off.....

I feel like Murray Walker. Days before his first birthday, Arthur is off. He has started to move! Even though I can dangers at every turn as he is so much more nosey than Isobel was, it is sooo exciting. And he was so happy he started clapping! He started slowly this morning but is now getting up speed. Isobel better watch out, he will be after her now.

It's been a good week. My first challenge in terms of balancing the poorly baby with work which was OK, work were quite understanding and he just wanted to sleep all day which meant I could do quite a bit from home. It was also a milestone as the doctor has started me on my programme of reducing the pills. I feel ok about it.  I feel that I am a different person to that if last year when I couldn't stop crying.  For someone so scared of the pills, I must say I am so grateful to them. And to Peter who has been like a rock (which is good considering his name!). But now its time to come off them. Fingers crossed it will go ok. Let's see.

And then I went for a couple of lovely runs. One along the river on Monday morning, past St Pauls and Big Ben in the cold and sun, then through the woods.  Running has been my other saviour.

This weekend is another challenge - making a jolly green dinosaur cake!

An end to counselling....and waste?

So it's been a busy week or so. Getting back into the routine of getting kids to nursery and ourselves into and out of work on time has been fun! It's actually worked ok so far.....I write this as I wait for the train in the cold with the sun barely up.....

My team are good. They all have kids at differing stages of life and put value on spending time with them - they are mainly male and have mainly commented on how they feel they missed out on their kids when they were little and wish they hadn't worked as much! So i get in lovely and early, running along the river from London Bridge to get my all important run in....its nice at that time of day as there aren't too many people meandering everso slowly and stopping to take pictures every 3 seconds.  The only problem is that having run, I feel the need for a second breakfast once I'm in the office....a bit like a hobbit, or my children who have a second breakfast at nursery apparently which they wolf down.....the nursery must think we starve them!

I went to see the counsellor the other day. We had booked in an appointment for after I had gone back to work to see how things were going. It was a good session. We talked about the change that work had brought, a good change, and the upcoming visit to the doctor to talk about the pills and the PND. I feel like I am in a completely different place to how I felt last summer. I hope I'm not speaking too soon.  I will reflect on things which have changed for the better in another blog, a lot if it recently relates to going back to work and how being back has helped equalise the workload at home....

The counsellor thinks I'm in a good place. I do too. So I'm not signed up for more. The door is open if I need to but for now things are going well. The counselling has helped and I would recommend it to anyone struggling after the changes that having babies can bring.

Being back at work has been interesting. The work is good and north managing anyone, unlike when I went back after Isobel, is a breath of fresh air. I have also managed to finish one book and am half way through another - its he first time since Arthur was born that I've read a whole book (if you don't count The gruffalo and the short version of the Jungle Book that is).  It has also got me thinking about our impact on the planet, the planet which Isobel and Arthur have been born onto and one in which more than 2.6 billion people don't have access to adequate sanitation....So I have been thinking waste. Not human waste buy landfill waste and resource use.

I think our family are quite good really. The biggest problem is the nappy one. Tried those biodegradable nappies and had to use twice as many as they just didn't hold the poo in....then there was all the washing of sheets from the leaks they left! Anyway, ignoring the nappies for now (I know) I have been pondering how we reduce our use of plastics without spending huge amounts more money. Milk in glass bottles from the milkman would be great but is a lot more expensive. So what to do? Well to start with I am stopping buying coffee in throw away cups....it might mean no more frothy milk but it will make me feel better. Then a friend suggested a waste audit to see what exactly we throw away. I think I already know but might do it anyway over the coming weeks.

Onto a lighter note, I went to a sugarcraft exhibition last weekend. The cakes were amazing. All made by people who have an artistic flair that I lack....although I will be trying my hand at some hello kitty cupcakes!

Work is finally here....

And it actually was quite a nice day. Last week was hard though. Arthur hated going to nursery to settle in. I sat in the car crying after dropping him off and poor Isobel was very upset to see me upset. 'I don't like you mummy' which was hard even though I know she was referring to not liking me crying. It's strange, it felt like that impending doom you feel when you have an exam due and you just want the day to arrive but at the same time you don't!

My insomnia came back on the Friday night and I was gripped with a fear that I couldn't cope with it but I remained as calm as I could and so far sleep has got better again, though still not great.  All the images of the past few years, including memories of times before Arthur was born came flooding back. The sadness is normal I think. It seems more pronounced this time as I know that we won't have any more so its a time of life which won't be repeated. I was chuckling with a friend on Saturday about how I had sat in the car basically thinking how 'that's it, I have to work until they nail me down now'.....how uplifting!

But I mist say, Peter did cook a very good pork pie in Saturday as a treat - complete with a hot water crust pastry! Oh I wonder if the GBBO will be back soon to distract me from the chore of getting on the train. 

Feeling a bit emotional

I go back to work in Monday. I can't believe it. Maternity leave goes so quickly. I'm lucky too as I've been off for a year. It's been a mixed year with its highs and lows but overall it's been lovely to have this time with Arthur and more time with Isobel. I wish I hadn't had post natal depression but there we go. I have shed a few tears today - my last day with just Arthur. I don't think this is anything to do with PND, just normal I should think. It seems harder this time as I know we won't have any more so I won't have a time like this again. I have huge respect for mums who stay at home to bring up children, its hard work and often goes unrecognised by society. I couldn't do it. That's why for me I know I have to go back, albeit part time. It will have its challenges, especially next week when emotions will ne running high. Fingers crossed Arthur will be ok at nursery and I can eat my porridge on the train at some ridiculous time of the morning without crying!

For our last journey out together, Arthur and I went back to the Cricketers in Clavering to meet a friend. It was a beautiful day so we sat outside and gave him his first al fresco dining experience......which didn't involve this lovely pavlova - that was mine, all mine. And very delicious (and surely must be good for you, I mean its mainly egg white with some dairy....isn't it?)

'Mums aren't allowed to be ill'

So said the doctor last week when I took Arthur in covered in spots.  Luckily, Arthur is now better - he has stopped pooing and is back to his normal, Henry VIII feeding style self! There was me worried he was wasting away (well, not really - he was 10lb 12 when he was born after all!).  Now Isobel is poorly and Peter is poorly too - both with high temperatures, coughs and generally moping about.  As with most mums, apart from my little mental health issue (which I feel is almost dealt with), I battle on, fighting off high temperatures and dosing everyone with calpol and lots of water!

Yesterday I made some lovely pink bunting for Isobel - she was poorly and I thought 'I know what will cheer her up' - and I was very pleased.  My sewing wasn't straight but it's getting a bit better.  Tonight I put the fruit in to soak, all ready to bake a fruit brac which my mum used to make for us when we were little - I still remember it, wrapped in baking paper, with a small spread of butter and eating it on the train in France.  Looking forward to baking it tomorrow.

We were meant to be on 'holiday' this week.  A last week of fun before I go back to work (not that work isn't fun - well, the people are fun, the work is generally interesting, stressful and at times quite depressing).  Instead, Peter has been in bed, Isobel has been miserable and I've been washing and ironing!  I did get out for a lovely run today though - it was so lovely and warm and I ventured out into the woods for the first time.  It made me long for Spring when it will be slightly lighter in the evening.  The woods are so good for the soul - all the birds singing and no cars.  Really really enjoyed it.

In preparation for my return to work (the countdown has started - 10 days to go), I've been thinking about the plus points (as well as the negatives - mainly the stress involved in trying to get both kids to nursery, on the train, into the office and out again to pick them up whilst also doing a full days work....oh and the fact that my salary will basically be eaten by nursery fees, train fares and the council tax!).  So, plus points so far include (a) it's only 3 days a week; (b) I will be able to have a cup of tea/coffee and hopefully drink it without it going cold; (c) going to the toilet without a little voice hurrying me up; (d) talking about something sensible (whilst trying not to refer to myself as 'mummy'); (e) maybe even reading a book on the train if I can sit down!

I have also been trying to train my brain again to think in an office work way.  Obviously, one of the things which has annoyed me is that any mother (and many fathers too) probably have exceptionally strong organisational skills (get the kids ready, have some food in, have nappies and other necessaries to hand at all times etc.), negotiation skills (dealing with a toddler), management skills (managing children and husband and trying to fit in a bit of time for 'me'), planning and delivery skills etc - but these are basically seen as non-existent in terms of office work and the sometimes slightly 'down on stay at home mums' media.  Anyway, in terms of my office work brain, these are the things I've been doing:

- not reading the papers they have sent me as I can't quite bring myself to but instead reading 'Chasing the Devil' by Tom Butcher who is retracing the steps of Graham Greene in his book Journey without Maps which is all about walking through Sierra Leone and Liberia;
- reading about Somalia on Wikipedia and the BBC after watching the news about the Conference today and kind of wondering what difference it will make;
- watching Brian Cox on Horizon this evening about the search for 'peaceful' nuclear fusion (see here - http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b00hr6bk).  Now this interests me.  I have a real interest in the climate change, peak oil, sustainability debates etc.  I recall a talk by Kevin Anderson from the Tyndall Centre on 'dangerous climate change' and whether we were already on a pathway which nothing can stop.  Not necessarily the most uplifting but it had links tonight with the Horizon programme which included some Professor calculating how the world might be able to achieve equitable energy use for everyone by 2030.  Basically it was quite depressing listening to him talk through how many wind turbines needed to be erected every minute, biogas pools every second, solar panels every second and so on - for the next 25 years.  (For more info on K Anderson check out http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kevin_Anderson_%28scientist%29)

And then I think - oh, yeeks, this is all far too serious.  Time to sit and look at fabric websites instead to consider what fabrics I can use to make some storage boxes for out lovely new cupboards (thanks to Mark at A1Class Joinery!).

Pancakes for breakfast

Peter has a few days leave this week so we are having a few family days before I go back to work in 2 weeks. I can't believe how quickly its come about.

Anyway, to celebrate the fact that Arthur finally stopped pooing after 10 days and to help him regain some weight I made pancakes for breakfast, it being pancake day and all! A cross between American pancakes and drop scones as we didn't have any syrup or Bacon but did have lots of nutella and my granny's cast iron gridle!

Yum

And the wind bloweth

My goodness it's windy today! Quite horrible.  Glad I'm indoors.  I hate this weather.  The wind really gets to me, makes me quite unsettled and irritable. 

So, Christmas is over, the new year is here and that means that I have two months until I go back to work.  Can't believe it.  Maternity leave this time seems to have gone so quickly.  Arthur still isn't really moving much (he loves to stand but not to move....apparently quite normal for a boy...).  Isobel has gone to nursery today for the first time in 2 weeks - she was not a happy bunny.  We had such a lovely afternoon yesterday when I took them both out for a walk and there were millions of muddy puddles to jump in!  On my run later that evening I thought about how I needed to try to enjoy and appreciate every second of my day with them both, however hard it is at times, as they won't be little for long.

Anyway, Christmas.  We now have a house full of yet more Peppa Pig stuff - stickers, jigsaws, books, slippers......all we need is the real thing!  Isobel had a great time with her cousins - she has 7 - they looked after her, played with her, took her to the park and generally entertained her endlessly.  Then she came home to the dullness of just her mummy, daddy and Arthur.  She has been swinging Mary (the doll) back and forth in one of those tipptioes things which hangs from the door frame.  This has proved to be great fun.  The only problem is that when Arthur is in it she swings him almost as energetically!

I have had time to reflect a little over Christmas, in part to help me think about what I'd like to achieve this year.  Some reflections:

- I have two gorgeous children.  Yes, they are a challenge at times but they are still gorgeous.

- My husband isn't too bad either (;-))

- No one tells you the truth about being a mum - certainly not about labour and birth and certainly not afterwards.  It takes a long time I think for people to be honest about how challenging they find it at times. 

- I tried to do too much too soon after both children.  It was hard not too.  It is definately in my genes not to sit still.  Perhaps this contributed to exhaustion which contributed (perhaps) to the PND.

- I seem to have set myself very high benchmarks and as a result can drive myself to accomplish a lot in a day rather than being more flexible and perhaps more realistic about what life with two little ones is really like.

- I love to bake.  I love to eat baked goods.  I suppose I should try to reduce this a little in the interest of health health.

- I love to run.  It gives me a sense of freedom.  In the past I used to just put my trainers on and go.  It was easy without children as you could go whenever you wanted.  Now it's harder but I've found a way to do it (with Peter's help) and it has made me feel so much better.

- I do a lot to please other people - my parents, Peter, my children etc. but perhaps not enough to make myself happy at times.

I could go on.  Needless to say I have been thinking about the challenges this year will bring - going back to work being one and all the changes that will mean (Arthur into nursery, the mad dash to get to nursery and back to the train etc - whether there will be any space on the overcrowded and overpriced train is another matter!).  So, I thought about some resolutions, some of which I'll share here (others are for me, and maybe for Peter only!)

- Keep up my running 3 times a week and enter a race to have a goal to work towards

- Exercise some portion control when eating cake!

- Try to do less each day - maybe just one activity a day rather than filling my day with things to do and things for the children to do

- Do more sewing (to offset the baking!)

- Appreciate every second I have with Isobel and Arthur

- Appreciate every second I have with Peter

- Delegate more at home and keep challenging myself as to whether I really have to do that thing I think I have to do!

I'd like to be back to my normal self this time next year.  Off the pills.  Rich, slim and toned (ok, I can dream).  Happy basically, and healthy too.

Pinterest

So, Mrs Wonky Pocket suggested I join Pinterest and so I have! It's quite fun but I can see myself spending many an hour just looking for pictures to add!!! I've been going through old photo albums looking back at some of the places I worked in/visited all those years ago before the little ones came along.  One day perhaps we can take them to some of these places.  Between us I reckon we've done quite well on the travel front although South America remains to be explored.

Places we'd like to go back to:

Oh Cambodia

China, India, France, Spain, USA, Canada, Oz, Laos, Kenya, Tanzania, Botswana, Namibia, Malaysia, Japan oh the list goes on....

Places we'd like to go to:

Portugal, Mozambique, Brazil,  Croatia, Madagascar (well, that's me really).....

 Places we've been, maybe not so good for small children:

Liberia, Afghanistan, Iraq, Pakistan, Somalia, Sudan....etc 

Afghanistan

 

The Aral Sea

Coffs Harbour

Obviously Peter isn't actually here so I'm kind of creating my own list here - but I know he doesn't want to take the family to Liberia so I reckon I'm ok on that one!

Kashgar Market

OK, enough of the photos....but it is making me happy looking at some of these.

Arty is asleep and I'm attempting to write a job application (back to work....) but clearly being distracted by Pinterest....oh, and phoning to complain about the counsellor I saw for my PND - I saw him twice.  I was meant to see him 6 times.  He was so disorganised he kept cancelling appointments - which just added to the stress and irritation rather than helping it!

Oh, and for those who are interested, there were some interesting interviews on Radio 4 last week (I know, I'm not meant to be listening to it - happy music all the way):

• Woman's Hour on Thursday had a phone in with Mary Berry answering lots of baking questions
• Woman's Hour also had an interesting article on JobSharing (of interest to me as I jobshare and love it)

You can find them on the BBC Iplayer:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b007qlvb/episodes/player

Starting to think about 'back to work'

I've got to start thinking about going back to work.  Boo hiss.  The year seems to have flown by.  I can't believe that it's been 6 months since they diagnosed the PND and that Arthur is now 8 months old.  Despite the ups and downs, I've really enjoyed it.  I think that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel now with the PND and I think that going back to work will help.  However, it also means a new set of stresses and strains.

I didn't really want to think about it, but my job share is going back in January so we had to go into the office to talk about it with our new boss.  Yeeks, seeing all those stressed out people made me feel stressed! But at the same time, I know that when I go back, I have to be strict on my hours as if I'm on duty to pick the children up, then I have to leave by a certain time to get them.  No messing or it's £15 per every 10 minutes you are late!!!!! Now I understand why all those people used to rush off and say 'sorry, I can't do it now, I have to go' before I had children!

Still, when you get into the office way before everyone else and then leave slightly earlier than everyone else it's amazing how many people frown at you and think you're shirking.  Maybe some people do.  I think my memories of the job and being up at midnight trying to get some of the work done before getting in early the next day makes me feel happy that my jobshare and I certainly weren't shirking.

Anyway, back to work in the new year.  Perhaps next year will have a set of challenges (eg. going back to work) which will also be real steps forward in getting my mental state sorted out for certain!

Plasticine and Peppa Pig!

So, Peter has gone away for a week.  As much as I will miss him, there is something quite lovely about sitting in the evening in your PJs, eating cheese on toast with marmite and watching complete garbage on TV!  That said, tonight I appear to be doing lots of little tasks in preparation for going to London tomorrow to talk to my boss about returning to work....(!).  I went back to work after Isobel was born and even though it was quite stressful, I basically think it was good for me with my PND.  Isobel loves the nursery and I think I enjoyed the challenge of trying to get everything done, leave the office on time to pick her up and ignore the tutting of people who think you're shirking work (despite the fact that you might get there a good 2 hours before them but leave only about 1 hour before they do!).

Anyway, have had a busy week.  In addition to purchasing ridiculous numbers of jars of mango chutney when in Tooting at the weekend (OK, only 8 - but still, last time I did that I was pregnant!), I have been swimming with Arthur and Isobel (they have little lessons on a Monday morning - not sure why I thought it was a good idea to do one after the other...!), to a birthday party where Isobel ate about 12 tonnes of lasagne and salad and then still had room for a glut of rocky road type chocolate bar (which was very yummy).  They really are going to eat us out of house and home!

I have also been doing more 'crafting' with Isobel.  We had great fun making Peppa Pig out of plasticine.  Obviously after we'd (or should I say I'd) been hard at work making Peppa, George and Mr Dine-saw, she screwed them up into a ball and went 'where has Peppa gone'?  It's all in preparation to make Peppa Pig hairclips (don't ask) but I'm wondering about doing that when it's peaceful.

Upside down Peppa, George and Mr D (yes, I tried to rotate it but it won't work!)

Right, best get on with watching Spooks on itunes (Peter would be appalled!)