Where is Noah's Ark?

So apparently we are in a state of drought. We have a hose pipe ban. We have water butts. I know the rain is ideally meant to come in the winter, to recharge the groundwater.....but since they announced the drought restrictions what has happened? Rain. Rain. Rain. Oh my god I feel I am slowly going mouldy! I might even have to get Isobels toy ark out and prepare it for a great get away!

The trouble with rain is that the kids get all grumpy. They don't go outside as much. The sky is dark. It's not good for someone just over PND whose husband has gone away for a month and who is longing to see the sun! If its still raining tomorrow I think we might well build some toy boats and take them out somewhere in the garden to see where they go!

So, its day 4 of no Peter. Everything is just a rush. Rush to get dressed and have breakfast before the kids get up, rush to get them ready and to nursery, rush to get the train (I have borrowed Peter's brompton to save time.....ha ha, how everyone looked at me as I tried to remember how to fold it up and ended up covered in oil!), rush to get to the office, rush to get all the work done, rush to get home....oh and eventually remember to eat my lunch.....and so on.

I have however learnt from the past year and my struggles with depression. I am therefore going to try to make things easy for myself. One thing that is going for the month is my attempt to cook all the Jamie O recipes. I love cooking. I find it relaxing but I also need to find tume to just sit in the evening and rest. Overdoing it was one of the many causes of the PND I think.

Last time Peter went away for this long was just before Arthur was born. I remember how I felt. At the time there was no mention of depression but I knew something wasn't right, I just didn't really admit it to myself let alone anyone else. I remember lying on the floor screaming alongside Isobel who was also screaming. I just thought how I had had enough, how I was such a bad mother, how I resented my daughter and my husband for changing my life in such a dramatic way, how I didn't think I could cope with another child and so on. I was distraught. I then felt terribly guilty for having these thoughts, convinced myself that that meant I was a terrible mother.

Looking back on it I think it was a sign that the depression was there, that I was exhausted and needed help. I wish I had acted on that then but the next day I felt fine. It's easy not to talk to someone when you feel ok, they need to be there when you are having a really bad day.

I still have bad days when I wonder what on earth I am doing. I know now that everyone does. But I also see all the positives and am able to take a deep breath and laugh about the situation rather than cry. I thank my health visitor, husband and friends for that. Oh, and those little pills I was so scared of taking!