It's so hard

This sleeping issue.  I try to remain positive and calm but its just so hard. I dose off and one of the many people in the house makes a noise and that's it, wide awake! I just want the house back to silence.  I am anxious about work.  I didn't sleep until 4am last night.  How will I go to work if that happens in a few weeks time? I feel my anxiety rising but there is nothing I can do.  I don't even have my lamp to read by as its been taken for one of the visitors.  I long to sleep.  I long to run away and just have a few days and nights by myself to rest and go to sleep. I want the people downstairs to stop talking. I want someone to take this insomnia away from me.  It's become a habit and now somehow I have to break it but whilst the thing that caused it to form is still here and my main coping strategy, to get up and move to a different room, is no longer available.  Ideas welcome!

So, it's been a while

A whole month in fact. Life has gone a bit mad. In between the joy of little Isobel dressed as an angel (I even gave her a halo....it was a bit big though and kept falling down!) for her nativity and Arty eating his weight in Christmas pudding, my sleep has not improved. It's beginning to drive me mad, all the coping strategies I've tried have worked a little and then stopped. I have no spare room to escape to as we have the nephew with us still, and now over Xmas we have an extra 5 people in the house. For some reason it's stressing me, making me feel a bit trapped. I had a little panic attack on the train this morning. It was going so slowly and was so full I just wanted to get off and had to practice my deep.breathing techniques to calm myself!

I am wondering if its related to the mirena coil being fitted. I wasn't sleeping that well before it was but it hasn't got any better and my anxiety has increased.....but then maybe its not that and just me! So the other night, at 1 am when the whole fact I was still awake was driving me mad, I found myself sitting on the sofa crying. I just feel so fed up that the insomnia is back and I control it or find the solution or cause. Eventually Peter reminded me of the words of the doctor from a few weeks ago, who suggested taking the anti depressants again if it got worse until we could find out what else was going on. So I did. And oh god I've felt quite rough and also quite disappointed. Disappointed that I'm taking these things when I don't believe I'm depressed. Disappointed that for 4 years now I've not felt myself and that it doesn't seem to have gone away despite all my best efforts. Disappointed that I've not been able to control my sleep disturbance.
But on the positive side I've made an appointment with the doctor and am going to push to see a specialist who can actually talk me through these things. I'm also going away with work and am really looking forward to that, albeit quite nervous. I used to travel loads before having kids, now I'm wondering if I'll be able to....it's like my confidence has gone!

So, I'm not ending the year as I hoped but am still in a better place I think than this time last year! Onwards and upwards.

What no sleep?

Oh this is so boring this disturbed sleep.  I thought I would write about it.  It's 2.45am. I don't think I've been to sleep yet. I've got a sore throat and cough and feel lousy but can't sleep. Back of my mind?  I need to sleep to get better.  Result, no sleep.

So, I have basically been sleeping fine until I came back from holiday, about 7 weeks ago.  Since then, sleep all over the place.  I am trying to remain calm, getting all wound up doesn't help.  Some days I'm better at that than others.  Like today. I felt this wave of panic surging over me that was heading towards want to have a good shout.  But I have kept it down.  It's not the end of the world.  I've tried to think about what has triggered this? Nephew staying? Peter going away 3 times? Stress (about some weird thing I don't recognise as the annoying thing is that there is nothing going through my head!).....The doctors have said listen to Paul McKenna, get up, drink hot milk and so on. Take anti depressants.. That scared me.  I don't feel depressed at the moment. I have been taking magnesium supplements and since then have been feeling much calmer.

So, I don't know.  I know it's annoying and I know I'm tired, but I have some good days and some bad. It's a pain though. I just want to sleep. Maybe that's my problem. Stop wanting it. Maybe I should get up and make bread. Or even croissants which frankly would at least mean a good breakfast!

The return of the night

I hoped never to have to write about it but here it is. The return of insomnia. One week so far, most nights, last night particularly bad. The valerian tea didn't seem to work but then again I have no idea how long it takes! It's really getting to me. I know you have to break the cycle but I just have this memory of the insomnia that went on for months after Isobel was born. I'm scared its some form of PND returning whilst also wondering if my thyroid levels blip they picked up a while ago bit then said was fine is really to blame. Mmmh.

I was going to write this last night bit its a bit tricky as we have our nephew staying at the moment. So not really anywhere to go as the young, they like to watch tv till late and then he's in our spare room. I've wondered whether the trigger is that there is someone else about. Someone else making noises that my annoying mothers ears pick up on. Why is that? Why do you hear everything once you have children, even through industrial strength earplugs?

I know I am not alone in not sleeping but I feel very alone and very trapped in the middle of the night when everyone else is zonko. I need to find a new routine which works without having a spare bed to go to. The advice is contradictory. Stay in bed and deep breath. Get up and go somewhere else to deep breath. Read a book. Don't read a book. Watch tv. Don't watch tv. And so on.

Isobel came into our bed last night at 4 am apparently. I heard her on the stairs whilst sleeping on the spare matress in artys room.  She doesn't normally but she has a bad cough. Funnily enough though I worry about precedent and habit. Will she start wanting to come to bed with us all the time etc. I found myself thinking about sleeping pills, herbal remedies and the like and my concerns with taking them, addiction, habit forming etc. I think maybe I am over analysing? I have now found the sleeping pills, ready for tonight if needed.

On a happier note, it was like something out of a scary film this morning when Peter woke me up whilst deep in slumber and dreams. I forgot where I was and turned round to find arty standing up in his cot looking at me! I was momentarily scared.

So my battle for better sleep will start anew. And in the meantime I will keep baking! We made a Danni fine Jamie Oliver chocolate tart last weelend, you could eat the mixture raw from the bowl in massive mouthfuls although health and safety would no doubt have a cow with all that raw egg! And we made Jamie bread which was great and the best bread I've made for agrs as it was basically a brick.

Isobel and I made malt loaf (health health) this weekend and, inspired by the bake-off also made some fondant fancies. We ran out of delicate pink rose water flavoured icing though. Instead we mixed the old blue and yellow and developed a whole new Halloween treat - the incredible hulk fancy!

It's PPPPPPPEPPA PIG Mummy.....

And so it is!  I finally found the photo I took of Peppa and George on the Spa Valley Railway last weekend.  It did make me smile - the sheer excitement in the queue waiting to see them and then the panic when they got up close!  Anyway, I thought they looked good in this photo so I would share it!

It's been a funny old week really.  I have had more sleep after Sunday - though on Sunday and Monday my Insomnia returned.  I tried really hard to think of all the tips I'd gone through with the counsellor to deal with my reaction and remain calm and guess what - it worked! So I slept OK - not as well as usual but OK.  I have found that this herbal tea by Dr Stuart helps in terms of calming down (the valerian one is great but I worried a little that I might be so sound asleep that I wouldn't hear the little ones!).

I was at home earlier in the week, I'm lucky really as my work is pretty good at supporting flexible working which makes being 'home alone' a lot easier.  I could just drop the kids off at nursery and then come home and carry on.  It is a bit of a challenge though when Peter is away as not going into the office means you're even more isolated that you might otherwise be.   I'd read that some of the roads were closed in London near the office (the Olympics apparently.....) so I thought I'd walk this morning rather than get on my bike as surely then I could walk across St James' Park (my favourite park in London).  How wrong was I! I asked a 'steward' whether there was any access to the park, very politely as the rubrick wasn't completely clear and was met by a standard surly 'no, go round'.  I hope they improve their customer relations by the time the Olympics start!

Mid week, and despite my plan otherwise, I found myself tempting back to Jamie Oliver.  I was pondering what to cook the kids for lunch that would be relatively healthy and be a bit different so I plumped for the Meatballs recipe (from the Naked Chef of course) together with the tomato sauce.  And to top it off, I had it with some of the pasta I'd made earlier with Peter.  Verdict - really really easy, really really tasty and the kids loved it!  I would strongly recommend!

It doesn't look as good as it was in real life!

Then, we were lucky as in the office today we got to see Ang San Suu Kyi who I think is a remarkable lady and it was really was quite an opportunity to be able to see her.  It lifted my spirits really, as have the kids this evening who have been delightful.  Isobel wanted me to draw a picture of her daddy in a tent (he is in a tent in the refugee area of South Sudan - here is a link to some press coverage of the situation there -  http://allafrica.com/stories/201206210834.html).  So we did, and then she got a bit upset - I think because I mentioned he might have a beard when he got back and her parting words to me this evening were 'mummy, I want my daddy but I don't want a beard'.....

I thought I would end with a snippet from Peter about his work in Sudan - it's not getting a lot of press coverage so this is my little bit to raise it:

I am going towards the Sudan border today to have a look at refugee camps and reception centres where there is a significant malnutrition problem which we may take action on. In the meantime we are desperately trying to build up our campsite so that it will be habitable before Friday when we have to leave the comparative luxury (pit latrine, bucket shower) of the MSF compound.

There are about 2000 people a day being bussed up from the border, but there are no supplies here to give them so for the moment they are arriving, receiving a bucket and a cooking pot and that's it. No tents, so they are just sat out there under trees with very little to sustain them. There is no where near enough water and sanitation provision so I have to keep my eyes peeled so as not to step in human poo.

Running and PND

I am feeling very pleased with myself.  I have now kept up the running for two months or so - three times a week.  I can run for a good 30 minutes without stopping and am getting all prepared to enter some races next year! 

It's so nice to do - not only because it is getting me fit again, helping shift a few pounds (though I keep eating macarons and cake so not sure it's helping as much as it could!), it's also giving me a little time to myself.  I have to be quite organised to get out there and do it, especially now it's dark, but it's doable.  And it gives me the space I need to clear my head and just think about....well, nothing a lot of the time!  I have found that I have had the time to think about my experience with PND.  For example, I was thinking about the guilt I felt - I always thought that to have PND meant that you were always crying and didn't want to go out.  I had had two healthy, happy babies.  I have a lovely husband, a lovely home. I have great friends etc etc.  What did I have to be depressed about?  I've never been depressed before.  It can't be depression.

A good friend had a baby a year ago.  Her baby is lovely, she is now one and she has overcome a whole host of challenges, open heart surgery, blindness etc and her mother has been really quite remarkable.  I don't know how she has done it.  And I must say that this type of experience made me feel guilty - here is someone who has to face a whole host of challenges and is doing it with such strength and here am I who hasn't got these challenges and who has had depression.  It just felt so wrong.

After Isobel was born I had insomnia - the doctor told me to get Peter to make me a cup of tea.  I thought it was just a normal part of having children.  Perhaps it is.  What I do know is that I was also incredibly stressed and anxious about this - I would be in such a state I would scream and shout.  I was also very irritable in a way which I had never been before. I felt tense all the time - Peter felt he was treading on egg shells.  But I just thought it was part of the normal process.  It never really went away.  The insomnia did, but the irritability didn't. 

Being told by the Health Visitor and the doctor that I have PND after Arthur was born was a massive relief.  It was like someone saying - it's alright, you're not mad, you have an illness but it will get better.  They both felt that the combination of the insomnia, the irritability, anxiety attacks in the night and with Arthur, the crying, ....and the wanting to just keep driving the car into the bend.....were symptoms.  And so I have had treatment and it's working (so far so good!).

However, I feel that there is still such a stigma attached to it.  Is it because it's a mental health issue and people have views about that?  I don't know.  I do know that the statistics indicate that 1 in 4 / 5 women have it and yet no one admitted to it or talked about it until quite recently.  It makes me wonder how many people are suffering in silence?

Dosa and LEDs

Quite a busy week.  Finished off by an hour in a baby sensory room (see above) which is like a chillout room in a nightclub but for babies.....and tired mums!

Forgot to take my pill another few times - it's not a good idea to stop suddenly apparently.  I have been told that I need to be on them for about 6 - 9 months in order to really get over this.  I still wonder how they really work - do they mask the symptoms and give you the space you need to sort yourself out and for your hormones to settle or do they somehow help 'fix' you by creating positive feedback loops.  The counsellor couldn't really explain that bit - but then the counsellor has, to be frank, been rubbish.  I've seen him twice in about 4 months.  He arranges everything by text, then cancels, then says 'I'll see you again in a few weeks' and then doesn't get in touch.  All a bit odd.  So I think I'll look at some private counselling as I think it would be good to get someone to talk through coping mechanisms with.

My main issue I needed to help tackle (and may still need to) is insomnia.  I had no idea that depression could lead to sleep problems but apparently it's one of the classic symptoms.  It was amazing - 6 weeks exactly after Arthur was born, it started.  It was exactly the same as with after Isobel (I had been told by my doctor at that time that I should ask my husband to 'make me a cup of tea').  I think it was worse this time because I knew it had come back and I was sooooo hoping that it wouldn't.  I used to get so wound up and angry that I couldn't sleep, convince myself that I would never sleep again and have some quite scary thoughts about how I could stop my mind racing.  I thought I was going mad.  I thought I was having a nervous breakdown.  The health visitor tried to help.  A homeopath tried to help.  Peter tried to help.  I tried hot chocolate, valerian tea (not recommended when breastfeeding though!), tranquility tea, camomille tea, reading a book, not reading a book etc etc.  What worked?  The pills worked.  As soon as I took them.


Anyway, moving on.  I have had a productive week on the creative front.  In addition to planting bulbs in the front garden (clearly I can't remember what they are called), I've been cooking and baking - a lot!  Last week my great triumph was the masala dosa I made following a Jamie Oliver recipe which uses gram flour.  I love masala dosa.  I used to eat it a lot when I worked in Malaysia.  It was a staple, in addition to nasi lemak (or fat rice....which I must try to make).

Adding the potato mix to the dosa

Trying to illustrate the crispy base!

Yummy.  With yoghurt and MD Mango Chutney