A ffffrrraisier cake anyone?

Not the cake to make with a toddler/pre-schooler. But that didn't stop us! Inspired by the GBBO, Isobel and I set off to make the Fraisier cake. Which we had never heard of until Mary Berry taught us about it!

Now, its not for making with small children mainly because of the amount of whisking 'over a medium heat' which is required. Isobel had to watch. Which she did well. She also helped cut up the strawberries. Mainly by eating them!  End result? Well, doubt the crumb would win any prizes but we loved it.

Baking has slowed again. My sleep is still not right. I do wonder if having a house guest (nephew) has disturbed my sleep. It's my bat ears you see. That annoying 'I can hear everything' trait you develop as a mum. I hear him come upstairs, turn the taps on, etc. Oh well, only a month left.

I worry that Peter thinks its the PND coming back. Sometimes so do I. But then I talk to other mums who are willing to admit that they have days when their kids drive them nuts and they lose all patience! That makes me feel better.

I actually think I have a hormonal imbalance. My skin is so dry, it has been since having kids. I have these hot flushes in the middle of the night. And so on. There is a theory that your oestrogen and progesterone levels can be up the spout after kids. I sometimes think this might be true. Or maybe its just life and I need to stop looking for medical reasons for things. Who knows....

The return of the night

I hoped never to have to write about it but here it is. The return of insomnia. One week so far, most nights, last night particularly bad. The valerian tea didn't seem to work but then again I have no idea how long it takes! It's really getting to me. I know you have to break the cycle but I just have this memory of the insomnia that went on for months after Isobel was born. I'm scared its some form of PND returning whilst also wondering if my thyroid levels blip they picked up a while ago bit then said was fine is really to blame. Mmmh.

I was going to write this last night bit its a bit tricky as we have our nephew staying at the moment. So not really anywhere to go as the young, they like to watch tv till late and then he's in our spare room. I've wondered whether the trigger is that there is someone else about. Someone else making noises that my annoying mothers ears pick up on. Why is that? Why do you hear everything once you have children, even through industrial strength earplugs?

I know I am not alone in not sleeping but I feel very alone and very trapped in the middle of the night when everyone else is zonko. I need to find a new routine which works without having a spare bed to go to. The advice is contradictory. Stay in bed and deep breath. Get up and go somewhere else to deep breath. Read a book. Don't read a book. Watch tv. Don't watch tv. And so on.

Isobel came into our bed last night at 4 am apparently. I heard her on the stairs whilst sleeping on the spare matress in artys room.  She doesn't normally but she has a bad cough. Funnily enough though I worry about precedent and habit. Will she start wanting to come to bed with us all the time etc. I found myself thinking about sleeping pills, herbal remedies and the like and my concerns with taking them, addiction, habit forming etc. I think maybe I am over analysing? I have now found the sleeping pills, ready for tonight if needed.

On a happier note, it was like something out of a scary film this morning when Peter woke me up whilst deep in slumber and dreams. I forgot where I was and turned round to find arty standing up in his cot looking at me! I was momentarily scared.

So my battle for better sleep will start anew. And in the meantime I will keep baking! We made a Danni fine Jamie Oliver chocolate tart last weelend, you could eat the mixture raw from the bowl in massive mouthfuls although health and safety would no doubt have a cow with all that raw egg! And we made Jamie bread which was great and the best bread I've made for agrs as it was basically a brick.

Isobel and I made malt loaf (health health) this weekend and, inspired by the bake-off also made some fondant fancies. We ran out of delicate pink rose water flavoured icing though. Instead we mixed the old blue and yellow and developed a whole new Halloween treat - the incredible hulk fancy!

Today I had a little breakthrough

It was only a little breakthrough, but an important one.

It might sound a bit small and trivial but it confirmed in my mind how far I have come in the last year.  I'm still having blood tests for my thyroid (which if it comes back with an underactive thyroid would explain sooooo much) but whilst I wait for them, I am monitoring my mood and monthly cycle to try to understand what is going on - and there is definately a pattern!  Before I had kids I never really noticed the 'time of the month' - now it's like all hell has been let loose!  It's almost like when the egg is released, I feel this amazing surge of rage and lack of patience and the same thing then comes back when my period comes! It's nuts! Why did no one warn me that this might happen (mind you, why did no one warn me about a lot of things after having a baby - like not quite being able to hold your wee in when you run too fast down a hill! Ha ha, the joys).  Anyway, Peter is surviving (just), although being a man he hasn't quite figured out the pattern and so is always a bit shocked when I am not my normal happy self!

Anyway, back to the breakthrough.  Basically, at tea this evening, Isobel and Arty were having yoghurt and fruit - you know, the frozen kind of berries which make the yoghurt go all lovely and pink....and it seems, stain the wall and anything which happens to be white!  Isobel declares she wants to sit next to me, I try to encourage to stay in her chair (she's got ants in her pants at the moment at meal times).  I fail.  She gets up, with pink staining fruit and yoghurt in bowl and in her hand, she trips and drops the bowl.  The yoghurt mess goes everywhere - really, everywhere.  Up the walls, all over the floor, up the chairs, all over Isobel etc etc.

This time last year, in mid-PND, that would have caused me to flip my lid and raise my stress levels.  It was that kind of thing which I just couldn't cope with - the thought of having to clear up again, the fact that Isobel wouldn't do as she was asked etc.  But today, I took a deep breath, gave her a cuddle, joked that it had almost reached as far as Scotland and sat her back down with some new yoghurt and fruit whilst the clear up took place.  And that's when I noticed that it stains - really stains.  Lesson learnt - don't have white walls in the kitchen!


Oh, and we baked today.  Chocolate brownies from the Hummingbird Cookbook.  Unfortunately, with friends round too we ate them all before any picture could be taken, but they were yummmmmmy and good for the soul.

So the Olympics are over.....but the sun is out!

Yes, we had a great time! It was such a happy two weeks, not sure it was quite worth £9billion but oh well - it's spent now and we all had fun (well, this family did anyway!).

One afternoon, whilst watching the diving, Isobel appeared.  She watched, quietly in the background as they dived off those 10m boards.  'Can you do that mummy?'.  Ha ha, how I wished I could but I think my fear of heights will stop me.  The next day she was practicing at the side of the baby pool.....now then, diving off 10m boards, not something I imagine I would be very good at watching her do if she did decide she wanted to give it a go!

I'm just posting a few pictures of the Olympic park as it looked so lovely.  Aren't these flowers great?

So, I've had a blood test for my thyroid.  Now they say it's fine but I might be anaemic! So another blood test is needed.  A friend who has an underactive thyroid said that there are links between all these things from the research she has done.  Let's see what happens!  Interestingly, there are also reports about the happy pills I took (Sertraline) and thyroid problems, although it doesn't appear to be statistically significant research in terms of a strong relationship! Still, it might explain it.

One of the highlights of the olympics was us watching Usain Bolt in the 200m semi finals.  My goodness that man can run.  I laughed though.  Mo Farrah runs a 5 km in what, 12 mins?  And looks like he's barely exerted himself.  I run 5km in about 30 mins and look like a beetroot!  Don't think I have those Olympic genes somehow!!!

Next week we plan to get back to some Jamie Oliver cooking as he's taken a backseat for a while.  However, there are two other contenders for our cooking attention - the Great British Bake Off is back! Hoorah.  And they made bagels last night - which has inspired me again!  The other contender is a 50s buffet party after I found a 1950s cookbook of my granny's in my mum and dad's loft.  Some tuna vol-o-vont, shrimp boats and babycham!  Bring it on

One week until our Olympic visit.

The excitement is building. We are off to see the athletics next Wednesday and we can't wait! Then we're off to the paralympics with the kids. Isobel declared she wants to 'go Olympics' and was even chanting "allez wiggo" yesterday. Very good. I'd be amazed if our kids end up cycling like that, they aren't the smallest. Swimming maybe. I was imagining what it might be like to have a child in an Olympic final after watching that south African win against Phelps and I think I would be rubbish. I would have to hide and not watch!!!

Anyway, its been Olympic excitement in our house this week. My good friend was over from Australia so there was an opportunity to refind a bit of the old me. How? I went for a walk in the country with an OS map and no buggy! It was great. Even had a cream tea.

Then it was off for more torch action, and I must say that we came across a lot of policemen from merseyside! They were having a great time.

We also went to an Olympic party on the friday night which was also a great reminder of the old me, staying out till 230 am and jumping around like a nutter!

Interestingly I've also been back to the doctor about some blood tests I had. Apparently my thyroid is underactive, or at least they think its going that way. Now that would explain quite a bit! I had my thyroid tested last year when I was feeling quitr low but it came back fine apparently. So this time there has been a dramatic shift. I've been told that changes in thyroid function can be related to childbirth. And symptoms of low thyroid include dry skin and hair, sleep problems, moodiness, depression etc. So quote a few things that I have had over the past years. I wonder if the next blood test will confirm it.....

Anyway, bring on the athletics next week. We are excited!

It's been a tough old day...

Oh my.  Is it the PND? I don't think so.  I think it's just one of those things - too little sleep, too much screaming!

I have had a rough old day.  It started rough - burst nappies and poo everywhere, no babywipes in sight, screaming Arthur!  I didn't sleep well so was tired anyway.  Isobel woke up and was in quite a delightful mood but then Daddy phoned - obviously I'm pleased Peter phoned but I do wonder if that is what sets them off.  And if they are 'set off' then I end up being 'set off' when I've not had enough sleep.  Peter is on the phone, Isobel is attempting to talk to him but can't and so just walks off with the phone, comes back and tries to get Arty to speak to him.  It's a failure.  The line is very bad.  They can't really hear him but are aware that he is there.  He is trying to talk to them, Isobel starts jumping on Arthur, Peter is trying to say hello to Arthur, Arthur is saying 'dada, dada' and then I just have to go.  We are already very late in leaving to go to a party in the lovely Portsmouth and they aren't paying any attention and I can't hear Peter to talk to him myself!

So, we're all a bit fraught after that.  In the car on the way down we're doing OK - they are both doing really well considering the length of time we have to spend in the car.  Don't they just sleep is often the question I am asked? Sleep? You're having a laugh.  Isobel spent the entire journey saying 'mama' (not sure where that has come from) and wanting to play I-spy.....

But then disaster struck - my phone froze and sent us off (via sat nav) on some random journey which meant we were even later than late....and Arthur starting screaming (hunger) and Isobel started screaming (?sympathy?) and we were lost somewhere in the suburbs of Portsmouth.  I had a meltdown in the car.  I just wanted some silence so I could concentrate on not ending up in Southampton!

At the party I thought everything would be good.  Isobel and Arty know everyone and there were lots of kids to entertain them and adults to talk to them! But no.  Arty didn't want to stop crying unless I held him and Isobel didn't want to be anywhere except clinging on to me!  I couldn't even go to the toilet!  I don't think it helped me eat a good balanced lunch that's for certain!

Eventually it got too much, the screaming, the clinging - I just flipped - I couldn't help it.  I rushed to find a space, any space where I could just be on my own (and ideally scream really really loudly!).  But there wasn't really anywhere and the only place I could think of was the toilet - but I had a clinging daughter and I just shouted 'Isobel, leave me alone'.  Then I felt so very terrible for shouting.  Luckily, old friends were all around so they managed to remove her from my leg and then took me off for a walk to have a bit of space.

It's funny, I don't know how single parents do it.  Perhaps they have lots of family close by - we don't. It reminds me of when Arthur was very small and Peter was busy with work every evening for about 3 months.  I was beside myself - having to do all the baths, all the nappies, dealing with all the screaming.  Friends all help out - but no one can help during the witching hour as they are all doing it themselves!

Isobel basically wanted to cling onto me again once I was back.  Arty was asleep but soon started crying again when he woke up.  I wondered if it's because they had been reminded that daddy wasn't there.  Is it right or wrong to get them to talk to him when he is away? He wants to speak to them but I'm wondering whether it just upsets them as well as me?

The journey home consisted of more screaming, long traffic jams and a bit more screaming.  I screamed in the car.  I just wanted to be home, asleep and not stuck in a car with yet more screaming.

So, is it PND? No, I odn't think so.  I think I got out of bed the wrong side and stayed that way and just lost all ability to calmly ignore the day!  Perhaps because I've had two clinging children every day for over a week and just want to go for a little walk on my own and not to the office!

Oh well.  White wine and chocolate cake for tea.  Not the healthiest, but very very nice!

Feeling crafty.....

For some reason I feel I've been quite productive today - especially when I was out for lunch for most of it with the kids! Maybe it's the sunshine!

I also know I must be careful though. After both kids were born I just did too much I think - I baked, made stuff, went out....and what happened? I got exhausted. I think that played a big part in the whole PND thing. I am just not good at not being active....and I also need to remember that when I see Isobel who has clearly taken after me - I find it hard to deal with her craziness but basically she is just doing what I do - running around like she has ants in her pants, wanting to try things, expend energy, not seeing the point in sitting....ha ha. Arthur doesn't appear to have inherited that....well not yet anyway!

So I started the day with a run. Not just any run but a run 'off piste'....followed the signs for some public footpath and ended up in a sea of oilseed rape flowers intermingled with stinging nettles.....and then got rather lost passing the same man and his dog about 3 times. He surely thought it was odd but was too polite to say 'nutter'.  Ended the day with some crazy disco dancing in the bedroom with Isobel and Arthur....probably not best practice in getting them to calm down before bed but how we all laughed!

In between I've started a dodgy homemade lantern (needs spray painting, pink of course), and started another Jamie Oliver recipe.  Shock of shocks it isn't asparagus.  No, its a tart. Oh a lovely tart.

The first stage this evening was to make the sweet pastry. Now then, last time I made sweet pastry it shrank into a tiny weeny ball in the oven....so, am wondering if Jamie will do me proud.

He has quite an interesting way to make it - after whizzing it up in the Kenwood (behaving this evening), the recipe calls for it to be pushed together into a dough with the fewest possible moves and then wrapped in clingy in the fridge.

So far, so good. Although its really a wee bit crumbly - hoping that means it will be lovely and short and opposed to dry and rubbish! Then he calls for it to be sliced into 5mm slices and pressed into the tin, then frozen. Not tried this before. Anyway, it seemed to go in ok and I appear to have about 3 large tins in the freezer now for all those tarts!

Made a pavlova with the left over whites. It is summer after all ;-).  A kid of delia meets nigella combo. Peter is so excited at the prospect of pavlova he can barely contain himself....well ok, he's on the sofa with me watching LOTR the two towers with some lovely cider.  God bless England in the summer.

Next pie installment tomorrow - will the pastry melt in the mouth or shrink to be smaller than a hobbit!