Summer is on the way!

Yes, today is the shortest day of the year.  It always makes me happy - it means the days are getting longer again from tomorrow and summer is on it's way!  A real reason for celebration.

I went to the doctor yesterday having been on the pills for 6 months now.  I wanted to get an idea about what happens next.  Whilst in there I bumped into the counsellor - obviously he didn't recognise me but it reminded me to comment on it to the doctor.  No apologies made.  Just 'well, he is a man, and maybe has a different approach to a woman....'.  Anyway, the doctor wants me to continue with the medication until March - basically for two main reasons:

• the weather (dull, damp, dark, short days etc etc)
• going back to work in early March and the changes that might bring (positive or negative)

I think that's sensible.  Part of me wants to rush to come off them, but the other part of me doesn't want to end up like I was in the summer again.  So, the pills continue.

Then last night I went to see the counsellor.  It was helpful, although Peter feels that he's been saying these things to me anyway - I think it's perhaps an issue of you owning it yourself.  It's ok for other people to say things, make suggestions, all of which might be highly sensible.  But, for me at least, it seems that unless you own it, you don't take it onboard and act on it.  'Ownership'.  A great word. I remember trying to get Peter to 'own' his dinner choices when I wasn't going to be around - I could tell him what was in the fridge that he might like to eat but I could tell he wasn't paying a huge amount of attention.  So to help with health health and to avoid the 'what can I eat' question later on, I used to encourage him to own it (so, basically he would tell me what he could have for dinner) - ha ha, how ridiculous!  I should have just left him to his own devices.  He could have eaten a kebab for dinner (healthy don't you know - they have salad in them!) and it doesn't really matter.  

Anyway, so the counsellor got me thinking.  I realised yesterday quite how often I say 'I have to do this' or 'I should do that'.  It was when I said to Peter that I had to make the soup for dinner that it struck me that perhaps I try to do too much.  I've never been good at sitting still.  I suppose I've always had the view that you have one life and so I tried to pack as much into as possible.  Anyway, I think that it has something to do with the PND - after Isobel and Arthur were born I remember baking cakes and trying to just get on with life - perhaps almost as though nothing has changed.  Instead I should have been sitting and resting and drinking tea perhaps.  Too late now.

So, I have to challenge myself and Peter is going to help - everytime I rattle off a list of all the things I say I have to do, I need to ask 'do I have to do that? does it need to be done? will I enjoy doing it? who am I feeling I have to do it for' and so on.  Let's see what happens!

On reflection, a few things I think have really helped me this year with the PND, apart from the pills:

• turning off the doom and gloom on the radio in the morning and putting on some dance tunes
• running
• having more prepared meals (though we think we need to kickstart this again)
• having more time to myself and more nights out with Peter
• baking new things (it's the achievement I like and the time it can give for some peace and quiet)
• drinking more water
• having a mantra in my head - like on returning from a run in the morning at the weekend 'it doesn't matter if the table is dirty and there is weetabix on the floor, we can clean it up later'