The return of the night

I hoped never to have to write about it but here it is. The return of insomnia. One week so far, most nights, last night particularly bad. The valerian tea didn't seem to work but then again I have no idea how long it takes! It's really getting to me. I know you have to break the cycle but I just have this memory of the insomnia that went on for months after Isobel was born. I'm scared its some form of PND returning whilst also wondering if my thyroid levels blip they picked up a while ago bit then said was fine is really to blame. Mmmh.

I was going to write this last night bit its a bit tricky as we have our nephew staying at the moment. So not really anywhere to go as the young, they like to watch tv till late and then he's in our spare room. I've wondered whether the trigger is that there is someone else about. Someone else making noises that my annoying mothers ears pick up on. Why is that? Why do you hear everything once you have children, even through industrial strength earplugs?

I know I am not alone in not sleeping but I feel very alone and very trapped in the middle of the night when everyone else is zonko. I need to find a new routine which works without having a spare bed to go to. The advice is contradictory. Stay in bed and deep breath. Get up and go somewhere else to deep breath. Read a book. Don't read a book. Watch tv. Don't watch tv. And so on.

Isobel came into our bed last night at 4 am apparently. I heard her on the stairs whilst sleeping on the spare matress in artys room.  She doesn't normally but she has a bad cough. Funnily enough though I worry about precedent and habit. Will she start wanting to come to bed with us all the time etc. I found myself thinking about sleeping pills, herbal remedies and the like and my concerns with taking them, addiction, habit forming etc. I think maybe I am over analysing? I have now found the sleeping pills, ready for tonight if needed.

On a happier note, it was like something out of a scary film this morning when Peter woke me up whilst deep in slumber and dreams. I forgot where I was and turned round to find arty standing up in his cot looking at me! I was momentarily scared.

So my battle for better sleep will start anew. And in the meantime I will keep baking! We made a Danni fine Jamie Oliver chocolate tart last weelend, you could eat the mixture raw from the bowl in massive mouthfuls although health and safety would no doubt have a cow with all that raw egg! And we made Jamie bread which was great and the best bread I've made for agrs as it was basically a brick.

Isobel and I made malt loaf (health health) this weekend and, inspired by the bake-off also made some fondant fancies. We ran out of delicate pink rose water flavoured icing though. Instead we mixed the old blue and yellow and developed a whole new Halloween treat - the incredible hulk fancy!

Be Ro - milk fadge anyone?

So, after a few glasses of wine with a friend the other evening, we had a good chuckle about a recipe in my 1950s cookbook which I found at my mum and dad's house a while ago.  It was for a 'milk fadge'.  Never heard of it - but the proof is on the right handside.




So, Saturday came and Isobel and I decided that it was time to make the 'fadge'.  How hard could it be? Not hard at all it turned out.  In fact, the easiest thing I've ever made with Isobel.  And we even did a comparison bake - the Milk Bread.  I had to phone my mum to check that they had turned out roughly as expected - my granny used to make them apparently and serve them warm with butter and jam. So we did as suggested - and ate them warm, and I have to say, they were lovely!  We will be making our Christmas cake this year from the Be-Ro book - why not?  The current age of austerity and high food prices seems to tally quite well with the idea of 1950s Britain, food shortages and so on.

Fadge is on the left, milk bread is on the right!

The wonders of the Lakeland catalogue

OK, so this isn't the Lakeland catalogue, but instead a picture of Corfe Castle in Dorset.  We had a great holiday - I can't believe I'm back at work already.  If only we could win the lottery, pay off the mortgage and spend all our time on holiday! But that would require buying a ticket, and a massive miracle.

So, back to work. Oh the joys.  The trains are still rubbish - it was amazing how well they ran during the Olympics, like clockwork.  Then the Olympics finished and all I can think is that the bonuses stopped.  No more clockwork trains.

The dad of a very old friend of mine died while we were away.  I went to the funeral on Monday.  It was quite difficult (quite? I mean very - and he wasn't my dad!).  I was so incredibly impressed by her strength as she stood up and said some words about him and about the wonderful life he had lived.  How she could do that without breaking down I don't know.  It made me think though, it made me think of how lucky I am to have Peter, my two monkey children, and to still have my parents and brother.  I realise how many questions I have to ask my mum and dad - like how my mum makes her Christmas cake, what is was like to go on a big boat to Australia during the war, what the 60s were like for them!  I should write a list and ask them so I don't ever wish I had but never did.

Anyway, onto more positive tones.  Isobel has decided that she wants to be an ipad when she grows up.  How we laughed we she announced that one!  Arthur is running around cuddling everyone in sight which is lovely. And me? Well, I am still getting better I think.  The pills aren't needed anymore and I can't believe its about 6 months since I stopped.  It's still hard at times, but I'm monitoring it and can now quite clearly link it to the lovely monthly cycle.  So at certain times I should really just stick a sticker on my head and say 'keep away, I'm grumpy'. 

Durdle Door coastline (not the door itself of course).  One of my favourite spots!

I have also realise that what I need is a little adventure.  Holidays with family are great, I love them.  But I realise that before I had children I used to travel.  Quite a bit.  I traveled with work and on holiday - to some great and different places - Ethiopia, Rwanda, Uzbekistan, Northumberland (!) and so on.  Since becoming pregnant with Isobel more than 4 years ago I've been on a plane once (well, twice if you count coming back again).

It's a massive change.  I don't want my old life back in terms of traveling a lot with work etc., but I do want a little bit of travel again.  So, the plans are afoot.  It's off to Delhi and Orissa next year (for work, to see some toilets - 2.5 billion people don't have access to 'improved' sanitation - basically they poo in the open.  I'm off to look at work being done to try to help address this problem and understand how to do it in a cost effective way - i.e - build toilets that people actually use).  Then, and this is the exciting bit.  To Burma hopefully, with another very old friend.  Just a week but even so.  I am so excited at the thought.

To counter that excitement and help me sleep, I have found myself perusing the Lakeland catalogue.  Now Lakeland, for those who aren't familiar, is a shop which sells all sorts of stuff for the kitchen (and home) - from baking trays to peelers and knives.  And always some sort of crazy thing that you can't imagine anyone using.  Peter and I had a competition - to find the most useless looking item.  In the current catalogue, in order of perceived uselessness we have:

• the stuffing protector (£8) - not quite sure why string won't do...very closely followed by
• the tea tool 'no drips on worktops, no burnt fingers and no mess' - seems like glorified tongs for a teabag to us! (£4.49)
• the egg boiling machine (£11.99)

And finally, the Great British Bake Off - oh my, it's the final next week.  What will I do when it finishes AND there are no Olympics to watch!  I am going to place a bet I think, on James.  The Tank Top boy.  I love his flavours and use of Whiskey!

Dorset, Devon and Durdle Door

Finally, a holiday. It feels like an age since the last one. But then again, it was a year ago. I wonder if when Isobel goes to school it will help us take our holidays more regularly, even if we can't afford them due to inflated school holiday prices. She can camp in the garden I suppose!

So yes, here we are in sunny Devon, right on the border with an equally sunny Dorset. Now, I am emphasising the word 'sunny' as the rest of the country is being washed away as we speak but here we have blue skies and sun albeit with a bit of windy woo!

The best bit about this area is the coast. I love it. It reminds me of many an adventure when I was younger, BC. The Portland youth hostel, drinking gin on Chesil Beach, swimming at Lyme Regis, eating ice cream at Lulworth cove, walking up Golden Cap in a wee bit of fog, and of course, Durdle Door.

Tool Isobel there yesterday. I'm hoping she won't be traumatised. It was sooooo windy I was everso slightly concerned she might fall off. Distraction on the wall consisted of thinking about ice cream and favourite flavours. Girls like vanilla and boys like chocolate. Apparently.

I think she might have been underwhelmed by the door itself. 'Can I touch it mummy' she asked as she looked out from her precarious perch on the cliff edge at the waves crashing about at its base. Er, no. 'Oh'. And off we went again.

Ended the day with some wine and the Great British Bake Off. I am betting on Danni or Brendan at the moment as tank top boy seems to have gone off a bit. I can see Peter thinking of getting me a deep fat fryer after the donut making. I hope not. I would be fat as a house! A breadmaking course I could do though. Hint hint.

You're not my best friend anymore

 

Sharing more random photos of the Olympic Park - this time for the last day it was open and glorious sunshine was the order of the day!

So, I thought the phrases 'You're not my best friend anymore' and 'You're a silly banana head' would start at primary school.  You know, lots more kids, lots more older kids with older siblings, lots more potential to learn these types of phrases (and far far worse I imagine).  But no.  Nursery it seems is where it starts.

Yesterday I was not Isobel's best friend on a number of occasions.  The main one related to the fact that I played out the wicked witch character as I took Isobel away from a playdate (it was time to leave - I wasn't being too evil!) where she and her friend had dressed themselves up as Disney Princesses and were merrily prancing about.  Disney Princesses.  Where did that come from? I have no idea who they are - Peter has less than no idea and yet Isobel comes home one day talking incessantly about Belle and...well, Belle basically.  So I have learnt - we have Belle, we have Snow White and we have Sleeping Beauty.  And some more - whose names I still don't know.  And then apparently there are the Princes - not only Prince Charming but a whole load of other ones.  Is this what my life is to become?  Being a 'silly banana head' because I don't know the names of the Princesses?  I suppose it could be worse....

Some more random Olympic Shots - the Wheelchair Basket Ball and Goal Ball below - which was an intriguing game.  No idea whatsoever what the rules were!

Thinking about Disney Princess, Isobel earned enough stickers (new behaviour modification/bribery technique we are trying) to choose a magazine - she chose the Disney Princess Magazine.  I presume because it is just sooo pink.  It can't be because of the contents (can it?) because frankly they were rubbish in comparison with Thomas and Peppa magazines of the same ilk.

Anyway, I think I'm now back in Isobel's good books - perhaps because we are off camping tomorrow and after the success of the last trip, I splashed out on a ready bed which I thought would do her and then do Arthur when he is a bit bigger.  However, I have not yet told Isobel that the bed appears to be broken - after her excitement at seeing the bed, I think she might be slightly upset when she realises that it had to go back to the shop!  Mmmh.

I might have to make some chocolate brownies to make up for it!  The return of the Great British Bake off has inspired me again.  I want to bake. And bake.  And then eat it all.  Hence I am not baking (well, not very much), in case I turn into a brownie or a 'showstopper layered torte'.  I did however get inspired enough to make some rough puff pastry to go on Peter's home made pie.  Now it wasn't perhaps quite the right texture for Mr Hollywood but who cares, it tasted nice!  And thinking of Mr Hollywood, we are off camping with someone who looks just like him.  Here's hoping he can perhaps bake like him to - mmmh, imagine some lovely fresh croissants for breakfast!

Peter's pie (with home grown vegetables and left over chicken) - complete with rough puff!

And finally, back to the Jamie Oliver challenge which progresses (slowly though - slowly slowly catchy monkey...or something like that).  Last night was Thai Curry night - now I think the sauce might not have been intended to be quite the colour it came out but it tasted good, as did the chunky coconut and lime salsa.  Lots of limes in this little lot - 7 I think in total.  The curry paste was a little bit of a faff it must be said, well for a work night anyway, but it did taste good.  A friend has asked me how many more recipes I've got to go - unfortunately, quite a few!  There are more recipes in that book for sauces, dressings, pasta flavours etc than I thought possible.  Onwards and upwards as they say!  Maybe some bread next week.  Or semi freddo.  Or roast chicken.  So many choices!

Tomato, lime and coconut salsa

Green Thai Curry Paste

Today I had a little breakthrough

It was only a little breakthrough, but an important one.

It might sound a bit small and trivial but it confirmed in my mind how far I have come in the last year.  I'm still having blood tests for my thyroid (which if it comes back with an underactive thyroid would explain sooooo much) but whilst I wait for them, I am monitoring my mood and monthly cycle to try to understand what is going on - and there is definately a pattern!  Before I had kids I never really noticed the 'time of the month' - now it's like all hell has been let loose!  It's almost like when the egg is released, I feel this amazing surge of rage and lack of patience and the same thing then comes back when my period comes! It's nuts! Why did no one warn me that this might happen (mind you, why did no one warn me about a lot of things after having a baby - like not quite being able to hold your wee in when you run too fast down a hill! Ha ha, the joys).  Anyway, Peter is surviving (just), although being a man he hasn't quite figured out the pattern and so is always a bit shocked when I am not my normal happy self!

Anyway, back to the breakthrough.  Basically, at tea this evening, Isobel and Arty were having yoghurt and fruit - you know, the frozen kind of berries which make the yoghurt go all lovely and pink....and it seems, stain the wall and anything which happens to be white!  Isobel declares she wants to sit next to me, I try to encourage to stay in her chair (she's got ants in her pants at the moment at meal times).  I fail.  She gets up, with pink staining fruit and yoghurt in bowl and in her hand, she trips and drops the bowl.  The yoghurt mess goes everywhere - really, everywhere.  Up the walls, all over the floor, up the chairs, all over Isobel etc etc.

This time last year, in mid-PND, that would have caused me to flip my lid and raise my stress levels.  It was that kind of thing which I just couldn't cope with - the thought of having to clear up again, the fact that Isobel wouldn't do as she was asked etc.  But today, I took a deep breath, gave her a cuddle, joked that it had almost reached as far as Scotland and sat her back down with some new yoghurt and fruit whilst the clear up took place.  And that's when I noticed that it stains - really stains.  Lesson learnt - don't have white walls in the kitchen!


Oh, and we baked today.  Chocolate brownies from the Hummingbird Cookbook.  Unfortunately, with friends round too we ate them all before any picture could be taken, but they were yummmmmmy and good for the soul.

My favourite food is.....gruffalo crumble!

So, last weekend I went to Brixton Market with a friend for brunch.  I've not been for years so it was nice to have a bit of time sans les enfants to potter about.  So many food options in the market and the 'Brixton Village', including of course, the well known Franco Mancas pizza place (http://francomanca.co.uk/).  We had noodles with chilli for brunch and it really made me think about those years I spent in tropical climates eating noodles for breakfast.  It's lovely!!

Anyway, I'm digressing.  So, Isobel has been very well, erm, 'spirited' (or maybe I should say challenging) lately!  Not helped by her sudden wish to get up at 4am - normally because something has broken such as the Peppa Pig watch or her hairband or.....anything she can think of really.  I'm wondering if we'll have to start some tough love as I hate that time of the morning. Always brings back those memories of insomnia!  She has clearly decided to be a defiant child of late though - I've moved on from marbles (I kept forgetting and we had to keep putting them away to stop Arthur eating them!) to a sticker chart.  It seems to work but let's see.  Today she has been quite delightful to her brother which has been lovely - and she loves telling him the rules 'Arthur, we don't hit, that's the rule'...followed by 'Arthur, I'm going to tell my mummy on you'.

We've had a weekend of cookery which has been a great way to spend the bank holiday, interspersed with trips to playground, swimming and a party.  Even daddy cooked - using the products from the garden he cooked up a Gruffalo Crumble (recipe can be downloaded from the Gruffalo.com website).

Isobel helped me make meatballs (Jamie Oliver again - god bless).  She wanted to smell the ingredients - rosemary (yuck mummy), garlic (yuck mummy), cumin (yuck mummy), chilli (can I eat this mummy?) and make her very own little meat balls - some of which were soooo small but when I tried to suggest making them bigger was told 'don't be silly mummy, they are for the children'.  So there you go.

We baked cinnamon buns too - which I have to say were the best start to the day this morning when suffering from a massive hangover (I blame Peter and his 'fancy a nightcap?' which consisted of a very large nightcap and subsequently a very very large headache!).

And, to kickstart the Jamie Oliver campaign again, I've made hummus.  For a light tea I think before going to bed at 8 to recover from last night!!!