What no sleep?

Oh this is so boring this disturbed sleep.  I thought I would write about it.  It's 2.45am. I don't think I've been to sleep yet. I've got a sore throat and cough and feel lousy but can't sleep. Back of my mind?  I need to sleep to get better.  Result, no sleep.

So, I have basically been sleeping fine until I came back from holiday, about 7 weeks ago.  Since then, sleep all over the place.  I am trying to remain calm, getting all wound up doesn't help.  Some days I'm better at that than others.  Like today. I felt this wave of panic surging over me that was heading towards want to have a good shout.  But I have kept it down.  It's not the end of the world.  I've tried to think about what has triggered this? Nephew staying? Peter going away 3 times? Stress (about some weird thing I don't recognise as the annoying thing is that there is nothing going through my head!).....The doctors have said listen to Paul McKenna, get up, drink hot milk and so on. Take anti depressants.. That scared me.  I don't feel depressed at the moment. I have been taking magnesium supplements and since then have been feeling much calmer.

So, I don't know.  I know it's annoying and I know I'm tired, but I have some good days and some bad. It's a pain though. I just want to sleep. Maybe that's my problem. Stop wanting it. Maybe I should get up and make bread. Or even croissants which frankly would at least mean a good breakfast!

Today is World Toilet Day

Yes it is. 19 November. 2.5 billion people don't have access to sanitation. Women and children are particularly vulnerable. Women are at risk from attack and abuse in many places when they have to walk into open land to go to the toilet. Children, in particular girls, may not go to school if there is nowhere safe and dignified to go. Please think on this as you go about your day.

A ffffrrraisier cake anyone?

Not the cake to make with a toddler/pre-schooler. But that didn't stop us! Inspired by the GBBO, Isobel and I set off to make the Fraisier cake. Which we had never heard of until Mary Berry taught us about it!

Now, its not for making with small children mainly because of the amount of whisking 'over a medium heat' which is required. Isobel had to watch. Which she did well. She also helped cut up the strawberries. Mainly by eating them!  End result? Well, doubt the crumb would win any prizes but we loved it.

Baking has slowed again. My sleep is still not right. I do wonder if having a house guest (nephew) has disturbed my sleep. It's my bat ears you see. That annoying 'I can hear everything' trait you develop as a mum. I hear him come upstairs, turn the taps on, etc. Oh well, only a month left.

I worry that Peter thinks its the PND coming back. Sometimes so do I. But then I talk to other mums who are willing to admit that they have days when their kids drive them nuts and they lose all patience! That makes me feel better.

I actually think I have a hormonal imbalance. My skin is so dry, it has been since having kids. I have these hot flushes in the middle of the night. And so on. There is a theory that your oestrogen and progesterone levels can be up the spout after kids. I sometimes think this might be true. Or maybe its just life and I need to stop looking for medical reasons for things. Who knows....

Ups and downs

So, I had a real down day yesterday.  Some children seem to always be soooo placid, so calm, so 'do what mummy asks'.  I don't have children like that.  Spirited someone said was the word to describe Isobel.  Someone else suggested she was 'super bright'. Whatever it is, it has it's moments.  And yesterday those moments were really quite hard. 

We're at the pub for lunch with a bunch of friends.  I say we, I mean me. Plus two small ones. And Mary. The Doll. Oh my. Don't forget the doll!

There is a soft play attached to the pub.  Isobel has been to a Halloween party where they provided her with (a) juice; (b) cake; and (c) Haribos (which I hate and unfortunately she can now open unaided!).  So sugar was flowing through her veins.  We play in the soft play.  All is well.  She has lunch (well, kind of).  All is well.  She wants to fill my glass up with 'juice' from the soft drink thing and wanders off.  Comes back with a glass full of ice and a quite disgusting looking drink which I'm told is a 'combo. Mmmh.

In the meantime, Arty has had enough.  It's way past his bed time, he is having a meltdown.  So I say 'Isobel, we need to go now I'm afraid'.  Isobel: 'Can I take my juice' (meaning my combo drink).  Me: 'No, the glass belongs the pub, it's not ours'. Isobel: scream, fit, smack me in the face, kick, more kicking, more screaming, more smacking.  Oh my god.

Anyway, that was yesterday.  I gave them a very long bath.  They had turned into little prunes by the time I got them out.  But it was a calming moment for everyone.  Either that or I would have drunk gin at 4pm which is maybe a tad early?

Or maybe not?  Children.  Physically and emotionally exhausting.  But, when they are on tip top form, how lovely they can be.  Like today, in the swimming pool, Isobel declares 'I love you mummy'.  And that almost makes me cry.

The return of the night

I hoped never to have to write about it but here it is. The return of insomnia. One week so far, most nights, last night particularly bad. The valerian tea didn't seem to work but then again I have no idea how long it takes! It's really getting to me. I know you have to break the cycle but I just have this memory of the insomnia that went on for months after Isobel was born. I'm scared its some form of PND returning whilst also wondering if my thyroid levels blip they picked up a while ago bit then said was fine is really to blame. Mmmh.

I was going to write this last night bit its a bit tricky as we have our nephew staying at the moment. So not really anywhere to go as the young, they like to watch tv till late and then he's in our spare room. I've wondered whether the trigger is that there is someone else about. Someone else making noises that my annoying mothers ears pick up on. Why is that? Why do you hear everything once you have children, even through industrial strength earplugs?

I know I am not alone in not sleeping but I feel very alone and very trapped in the middle of the night when everyone else is zonko. I need to find a new routine which works without having a spare bed to go to. The advice is contradictory. Stay in bed and deep breath. Get up and go somewhere else to deep breath. Read a book. Don't read a book. Watch tv. Don't watch tv. And so on.

Isobel came into our bed last night at 4 am apparently. I heard her on the stairs whilst sleeping on the spare matress in artys room.  She doesn't normally but she has a bad cough. Funnily enough though I worry about precedent and habit. Will she start wanting to come to bed with us all the time etc. I found myself thinking about sleeping pills, herbal remedies and the like and my concerns with taking them, addiction, habit forming etc. I think maybe I am over analysing? I have now found the sleeping pills, ready for tonight if needed.

On a happier note, it was like something out of a scary film this morning when Peter woke me up whilst deep in slumber and dreams. I forgot where I was and turned round to find arty standing up in his cot looking at me! I was momentarily scared.

So my battle for better sleep will start anew. And in the meantime I will keep baking! We made a Danni fine Jamie Oliver chocolate tart last weelend, you could eat the mixture raw from the bowl in massive mouthfuls although health and safety would no doubt have a cow with all that raw egg! And we made Jamie bread which was great and the best bread I've made for agrs as it was basically a brick.

Isobel and I made malt loaf (health health) this weekend and, inspired by the bake-off also made some fondant fancies. We ran out of delicate pink rose water flavoured icing though. Instead we mixed the old blue and yellow and developed a whole new Halloween treat - the incredible hulk fancy!

Be Ro - milk fadge anyone?

So, after a few glasses of wine with a friend the other evening, we had a good chuckle about a recipe in my 1950s cookbook which I found at my mum and dad's house a while ago.  It was for a 'milk fadge'.  Never heard of it - but the proof is on the right handside.




So, Saturday came and Isobel and I decided that it was time to make the 'fadge'.  How hard could it be? Not hard at all it turned out.  In fact, the easiest thing I've ever made with Isobel.  And we even did a comparison bake - the Milk Bread.  I had to phone my mum to check that they had turned out roughly as expected - my granny used to make them apparently and serve them warm with butter and jam. So we did as suggested - and ate them warm, and I have to say, they were lovely!  We will be making our Christmas cake this year from the Be-Ro book - why not?  The current age of austerity and high food prices seems to tally quite well with the idea of 1950s Britain, food shortages and so on.

Fadge is on the left, milk bread is on the right!

The wonders of the Lakeland catalogue

OK, so this isn't the Lakeland catalogue, but instead a picture of Corfe Castle in Dorset.  We had a great holiday - I can't believe I'm back at work already.  If only we could win the lottery, pay off the mortgage and spend all our time on holiday! But that would require buying a ticket, and a massive miracle.

So, back to work. Oh the joys.  The trains are still rubbish - it was amazing how well they ran during the Olympics, like clockwork.  Then the Olympics finished and all I can think is that the bonuses stopped.  No more clockwork trains.

The dad of a very old friend of mine died while we were away.  I went to the funeral on Monday.  It was quite difficult (quite? I mean very - and he wasn't my dad!).  I was so incredibly impressed by her strength as she stood up and said some words about him and about the wonderful life he had lived.  How she could do that without breaking down I don't know.  It made me think though, it made me think of how lucky I am to have Peter, my two monkey children, and to still have my parents and brother.  I realise how many questions I have to ask my mum and dad - like how my mum makes her Christmas cake, what is was like to go on a big boat to Australia during the war, what the 60s were like for them!  I should write a list and ask them so I don't ever wish I had but never did.

Anyway, onto more positive tones.  Isobel has decided that she wants to be an ipad when she grows up.  How we laughed we she announced that one!  Arthur is running around cuddling everyone in sight which is lovely. And me? Well, I am still getting better I think.  The pills aren't needed anymore and I can't believe its about 6 months since I stopped.  It's still hard at times, but I'm monitoring it and can now quite clearly link it to the lovely monthly cycle.  So at certain times I should really just stick a sticker on my head and say 'keep away, I'm grumpy'. 

Durdle Door coastline (not the door itself of course).  One of my favourite spots!

I have also realise that what I need is a little adventure.  Holidays with family are great, I love them.  But I realise that before I had children I used to travel.  Quite a bit.  I traveled with work and on holiday - to some great and different places - Ethiopia, Rwanda, Uzbekistan, Northumberland (!) and so on.  Since becoming pregnant with Isobel more than 4 years ago I've been on a plane once (well, twice if you count coming back again).

It's a massive change.  I don't want my old life back in terms of traveling a lot with work etc., but I do want a little bit of travel again.  So, the plans are afoot.  It's off to Delhi and Orissa next year (for work, to see some toilets - 2.5 billion people don't have access to 'improved' sanitation - basically they poo in the open.  I'm off to look at work being done to try to help address this problem and understand how to do it in a cost effective way - i.e - build toilets that people actually use).  Then, and this is the exciting bit.  To Burma hopefully, with another very old friend.  Just a week but even so.  I am so excited at the thought.

To counter that excitement and help me sleep, I have found myself perusing the Lakeland catalogue.  Now Lakeland, for those who aren't familiar, is a shop which sells all sorts of stuff for the kitchen (and home) - from baking trays to peelers and knives.  And always some sort of crazy thing that you can't imagine anyone using.  Peter and I had a competition - to find the most useless looking item.  In the current catalogue, in order of perceived uselessness we have:

• the stuffing protector (£8) - not quite sure why string won't do...very closely followed by
• the tea tool 'no drips on worktops, no burnt fingers and no mess' - seems like glorified tongs for a teabag to us! (£4.49)
• the egg boiling machine (£11.99)

And finally, the Great British Bake Off - oh my, it's the final next week.  What will I do when it finishes AND there are no Olympics to watch!  I am going to place a bet I think, on James.  The Tank Top boy.  I love his flavours and use of Whiskey!