Why why why......peanut butter and marmite what?

I am laughing as I write this. I am being told off for teaching Isobel bad habits. She has started asking 'why' with a vengeance. So the conversation goes something like this:
Isobel, can you put your shoes on?
Why?
Because its cold outside.
Why?
Because its been raining.
Why?
Because the clouds were heavy.
Why?
Because they had drunk too much water.
Why?
.........

And so on. And obviously I am wanting to encourage equal questioning of daddy so I am encouraging it! Hee hee. 'Daddy has to go to work'....'why?'.....'because he does'......'why?'......

And thinking of daddy, Peter is shocked. I made him peanut butter and marmite sandwiches for work the other day. On granary bread of course (to vaguely improve the nutrition levels!). Anyway, he said he was eating them and couldn't work out why the peanut butter he could see tasted like marmite. And when I told him he thought I was some kind of freak - marmite and peanut butter....whatever next? He has heard of peanut butter and jam (or jelly I think he calls it having spent time in the US) but marmite. He declared I must be alone in such a weird sarnie filling. But no! There are whole websites dedicated to it as a sandwich filling! So, despite the fact that everyone he has told has agreed with him, he quite likes it really!

And yes, he does make my sandwiches too. We try to take it in turns. His fillings are sonar to mine. Sometimes we mange cheese and salad but marmalade is often a favourite! Got to love being like Paddington bear!

I can't believe he's one

Where has the time gone?  So I made the jolly green dinosaur and jolly pleased I was too!

It went down a treat too.

Work is still going well.  In fact, I'm really enjoying it which is good.  I'm strict on my hours but it's going OK and the men I work with (and women) are great.  It's interesting though as I've worked for some quite high powered women in the past - women with children who I thought would be understanding about the need to leave to pick up children and the challenges in balancing it all.  They weren't quite as understanding as I thought they might be.  It eventually came out that that's because they had nannies - nannies who were there bright and early, all day and sometimes at night too! So no rushing from A to B to drop them off, pick them up, think about tea, do the washing, get to work, and so on and so on.  The men I'm working with on the other hand are full of the old 'I wish I'd spent more time with my kids when they were little'. 

So we're now gearing up for Isobel turning 3.  Will the tantrums stop? Ha. I do wonder.  After today's performance.  We went to an Easter Egg Hunt (the first of a few she has been invited to).  To start with she was a little unsure of what to do.  I could see this look of 'why is everyone else running about all excited? What do I do with this plastic pot?'. But she soon got the hang of it and piled up the eggs....and then promptly sat down and started unwrapping them and shovelling them in as quickly as she could.  Anyone would think they were going to get up and walk!  Eventually I thought, that's probably enough now (as she was practically bursting chocolate out of every part of her!) so I had to remove them.  Oh my. Oh my.  One and a half hours of screaming.  And lying on the ground. And screaming a bit more.  What did the other children do?  Look at her then carry on eating their breadsticks.  Oh the joy.  How I needed a gin at 11am!

She has since almost forgotten about the eggs which I've put away in the fridge ready for Easter itself.  Clearly I am some sort of mean mummy.  Fancy taking the eggs away from her.  She did actually vomit up chocolate though so I think I was right!  A friend told me once how everyone had told them about the terrible twos but no one had mentioned how three year olds might become 'demonic' (that might have been a bit harsh but it got the message across!).

She is lovely though.  We made hot cross buns this afternoon.  To take to Grandma.  I'm slightly concerned that they are going to be full of her hair but ho hum.  Since when did a bit of hair hurt?  She is now in bed singing the Sound of Music very very loudly to her 'little rabbit' (which is actually Arthur's but he doesn't seem to have noticed).

I'm slowly reducing the pills as per the doctors orders.  Now on 50mg a day for the next 10 days, then 50mg every other day then nothing! Am feeling OK about it.  Slightly scared as I seem to be feeling awfully tired and have a strange taste in my mouth (is that the pills? I am hoping it's either that or PMT and not anything else!!!!).

Right, I think that gin is most definately calling!!!

And he's off.....

I feel like Murray Walker. Days before his first birthday, Arthur is off. He has started to move! Even though I can dangers at every turn as he is so much more nosey than Isobel was, it is sooo exciting. And he was so happy he started clapping! He started slowly this morning but is now getting up speed. Isobel better watch out, he will be after her now.

It's been a good week. My first challenge in terms of balancing the poorly baby with work which was OK, work were quite understanding and he just wanted to sleep all day which meant I could do quite a bit from home. It was also a milestone as the doctor has started me on my programme of reducing the pills. I feel ok about it.  I feel that I am a different person to that if last year when I couldn't stop crying.  For someone so scared of the pills, I must say I am so grateful to them. And to Peter who has been like a rock (which is good considering his name!). But now its time to come off them. Fingers crossed it will go ok. Let's see.

And then I went for a couple of lovely runs. One along the river on Monday morning, past St Pauls and Big Ben in the cold and sun, then through the woods.  Running has been my other saviour.

This weekend is another challenge - making a jolly green dinosaur cake!

Testing out some accidental purchases

So we have two birthdays this weekend and mothers day. What other excuse to make cakes do you need? Isobel and I spent the afternoon making dairy free cupcakes, testing out recipes from the new Squires Kitchen mag called 'Bake school' (or something).
Then I tested out my new cutters and voila, sparkly, badly painted, highly breakable butterflies! But I had fun.

An end to counselling....and waste?

So it's been a busy week or so. Getting back into the routine of getting kids to nursery and ourselves into and out of work on time has been fun! It's actually worked ok so far.....I write this as I wait for the train in the cold with the sun barely up.....

My team are good. They all have kids at differing stages of life and put value on spending time with them - they are mainly male and have mainly commented on how they feel they missed out on their kids when they were little and wish they hadn't worked as much! So i get in lovely and early, running along the river from London Bridge to get my all important run in....its nice at that time of day as there aren't too many people meandering everso slowly and stopping to take pictures every 3 seconds.  The only problem is that having run, I feel the need for a second breakfast once I'm in the office....a bit like a hobbit, or my children who have a second breakfast at nursery apparently which they wolf down.....the nursery must think we starve them!

I went to see the counsellor the other day. We had booked in an appointment for after I had gone back to work to see how things were going. It was a good session. We talked about the change that work had brought, a good change, and the upcoming visit to the doctor to talk about the pills and the PND. I feel like I am in a completely different place to how I felt last summer. I hope I'm not speaking too soon.  I will reflect on things which have changed for the better in another blog, a lot if it recently relates to going back to work and how being back has helped equalise the workload at home....

The counsellor thinks I'm in a good place. I do too. So I'm not signed up for more. The door is open if I need to but for now things are going well. The counselling has helped and I would recommend it to anyone struggling after the changes that having babies can bring.

Being back at work has been interesting. The work is good and north managing anyone, unlike when I went back after Isobel, is a breath of fresh air. I have also managed to finish one book and am half way through another - its he first time since Arthur was born that I've read a whole book (if you don't count The gruffalo and the short version of the Jungle Book that is).  It has also got me thinking about our impact on the planet, the planet which Isobel and Arthur have been born onto and one in which more than 2.6 billion people don't have access to adequate sanitation....So I have been thinking waste. Not human waste buy landfill waste and resource use.

I think our family are quite good really. The biggest problem is the nappy one. Tried those biodegradable nappies and had to use twice as many as they just didn't hold the poo in....then there was all the washing of sheets from the leaks they left! Anyway, ignoring the nappies for now (I know) I have been pondering how we reduce our use of plastics without spending huge amounts more money. Milk in glass bottles from the milkman would be great but is a lot more expensive. So what to do? Well to start with I am stopping buying coffee in throw away cups....it might mean no more frothy milk but it will make me feel better. Then a friend suggested a waste audit to see what exactly we throw away. I think I already know but might do it anyway over the coming weeks.

Onto a lighter note, I went to a sugarcraft exhibition last weekend. The cakes were amazing. All made by people who have an artistic flair that I lack....although I will be trying my hand at some hello kitty cupcakes!

Work is finally here....

And it actually was quite a nice day. Last week was hard though. Arthur hated going to nursery to settle in. I sat in the car crying after dropping him off and poor Isobel was very upset to see me upset. 'I don't like you mummy' which was hard even though I know she was referring to not liking me crying. It's strange, it felt like that impending doom you feel when you have an exam due and you just want the day to arrive but at the same time you don't!

My insomnia came back on the Friday night and I was gripped with a fear that I couldn't cope with it but I remained as calm as I could and so far sleep has got better again, though still not great.  All the images of the past few years, including memories of times before Arthur was born came flooding back. The sadness is normal I think. It seems more pronounced this time as I know that we won't have any more so its a time of life which won't be repeated. I was chuckling with a friend on Saturday about how I had sat in the car basically thinking how 'that's it, I have to work until they nail me down now'.....how uplifting!

But I mist say, Peter did cook a very good pork pie in Saturday as a treat - complete with a hot water crust pastry! Oh I wonder if the GBBO will be back soon to distract me from the chore of getting on the train. 

Feeling a bit emotional

I go back to work in Monday. I can't believe it. Maternity leave goes so quickly. I'm lucky too as I've been off for a year. It's been a mixed year with its highs and lows but overall it's been lovely to have this time with Arthur and more time with Isobel. I wish I hadn't had post natal depression but there we go. I have shed a few tears today - my last day with just Arthur. I don't think this is anything to do with PND, just normal I should think. It seems harder this time as I know we won't have any more so I won't have a time like this again. I have huge respect for mums who stay at home to bring up children, its hard work and often goes unrecognised by society. I couldn't do it. That's why for me I know I have to go back, albeit part time. It will have its challenges, especially next week when emotions will ne running high. Fingers crossed Arthur will be ok at nursery and I can eat my porridge on the train at some ridiculous time of the morning without crying!

For our last journey out together, Arthur and I went back to the Cricketers in Clavering to meet a friend. It was a beautiful day so we sat outside and gave him his first al fresco dining experience......which didn't involve this lovely pavlova - that was mine, all mine. And very delicious (and surely must be good for you, I mean its mainly egg white with some dairy....isn't it?)