It's so hard

This sleeping issue.  I try to remain positive and calm but its just so hard. I dose off and one of the many people in the house makes a noise and that's it, wide awake! I just want the house back to silence.  I am anxious about work.  I didn't sleep until 4am last night.  How will I go to work if that happens in a few weeks time? I feel my anxiety rising but there is nothing I can do.  I don't even have my lamp to read by as its been taken for one of the visitors.  I long to sleep.  I long to run away and just have a few days and nights by myself to rest and go to sleep. I want the people downstairs to stop talking. I want someone to take this insomnia away from me.  It's become a habit and now somehow I have to break it but whilst the thing that caused it to form is still here and my main coping strategy, to get up and move to a different room, is no longer available.  Ideas welcome!

So, it's been a while

A whole month in fact. Life has gone a bit mad. In between the joy of little Isobel dressed as an angel (I even gave her a halo....it was a bit big though and kept falling down!) for her nativity and Arty eating his weight in Christmas pudding, my sleep has not improved. It's beginning to drive me mad, all the coping strategies I've tried have worked a little and then stopped. I have no spare room to escape to as we have the nephew with us still, and now over Xmas we have an extra 5 people in the house. For some reason it's stressing me, making me feel a bit trapped. I had a little panic attack on the train this morning. It was going so slowly and was so full I just wanted to get off and had to practice my deep.breathing techniques to calm myself!

I am wondering if its related to the mirena coil being fitted. I wasn't sleeping that well before it was but it hasn't got any better and my anxiety has increased.....but then maybe its not that and just me! So the other night, at 1 am when the whole fact I was still awake was driving me mad, I found myself sitting on the sofa crying. I just feel so fed up that the insomnia is back and I control it or find the solution or cause. Eventually Peter reminded me of the words of the doctor from a few weeks ago, who suggested taking the anti depressants again if it got worse until we could find out what else was going on. So I did. And oh god I've felt quite rough and also quite disappointed. Disappointed that I'm taking these things when I don't believe I'm depressed. Disappointed that for 4 years now I've not felt myself and that it doesn't seem to have gone away despite all my best efforts. Disappointed that I've not been able to control my sleep disturbance.
But on the positive side I've made an appointment with the doctor and am going to push to see a specialist who can actually talk me through these things. I'm also going away with work and am really looking forward to that, albeit quite nervous. I used to travel loads before having kids, now I'm wondering if I'll be able to....it's like my confidence has gone!

So, I'm not ending the year as I hoped but am still in a better place I think than this time last year! Onwards and upwards.

What no sleep?

Oh this is so boring this disturbed sleep.  I thought I would write about it.  It's 2.45am. I don't think I've been to sleep yet. I've got a sore throat and cough and feel lousy but can't sleep. Back of my mind?  I need to sleep to get better.  Result, no sleep.

So, I have basically been sleeping fine until I came back from holiday, about 7 weeks ago.  Since then, sleep all over the place.  I am trying to remain calm, getting all wound up doesn't help.  Some days I'm better at that than others.  Like today. I felt this wave of panic surging over me that was heading towards want to have a good shout.  But I have kept it down.  It's not the end of the world.  I've tried to think about what has triggered this? Nephew staying? Peter going away 3 times? Stress (about some weird thing I don't recognise as the annoying thing is that there is nothing going through my head!).....The doctors have said listen to Paul McKenna, get up, drink hot milk and so on. Take anti depressants.. That scared me.  I don't feel depressed at the moment. I have been taking magnesium supplements and since then have been feeling much calmer.

So, I don't know.  I know it's annoying and I know I'm tired, but I have some good days and some bad. It's a pain though. I just want to sleep. Maybe that's my problem. Stop wanting it. Maybe I should get up and make bread. Or even croissants which frankly would at least mean a good breakfast!

Today is World Toilet Day

Yes it is. 19 November. 2.5 billion people don't have access to sanitation. Women and children are particularly vulnerable. Women are at risk from attack and abuse in many places when they have to walk into open land to go to the toilet. Children, in particular girls, may not go to school if there is nowhere safe and dignified to go. Please think on this as you go about your day.

A ffffrrraisier cake anyone?

Not the cake to make with a toddler/pre-schooler. But that didn't stop us! Inspired by the GBBO, Isobel and I set off to make the Fraisier cake. Which we had never heard of until Mary Berry taught us about it!

Now, its not for making with small children mainly because of the amount of whisking 'over a medium heat' which is required. Isobel had to watch. Which she did well. She also helped cut up the strawberries. Mainly by eating them!  End result? Well, doubt the crumb would win any prizes but we loved it.

Baking has slowed again. My sleep is still not right. I do wonder if having a house guest (nephew) has disturbed my sleep. It's my bat ears you see. That annoying 'I can hear everything' trait you develop as a mum. I hear him come upstairs, turn the taps on, etc. Oh well, only a month left.

I worry that Peter thinks its the PND coming back. Sometimes so do I. But then I talk to other mums who are willing to admit that they have days when their kids drive them nuts and they lose all patience! That makes me feel better.

I actually think I have a hormonal imbalance. My skin is so dry, it has been since having kids. I have these hot flushes in the middle of the night. And so on. There is a theory that your oestrogen and progesterone levels can be up the spout after kids. I sometimes think this might be true. Or maybe its just life and I need to stop looking for medical reasons for things. Who knows....

Ups and downs

So, I had a real down day yesterday.  Some children seem to always be soooo placid, so calm, so 'do what mummy asks'.  I don't have children like that.  Spirited someone said was the word to describe Isobel.  Someone else suggested she was 'super bright'. Whatever it is, it has it's moments.  And yesterday those moments were really quite hard. 

We're at the pub for lunch with a bunch of friends.  I say we, I mean me. Plus two small ones. And Mary. The Doll. Oh my. Don't forget the doll!

There is a soft play attached to the pub.  Isobel has been to a Halloween party where they provided her with (a) juice; (b) cake; and (c) Haribos (which I hate and unfortunately she can now open unaided!).  So sugar was flowing through her veins.  We play in the soft play.  All is well.  She has lunch (well, kind of).  All is well.  She wants to fill my glass up with 'juice' from the soft drink thing and wanders off.  Comes back with a glass full of ice and a quite disgusting looking drink which I'm told is a 'combo. Mmmh.

In the meantime, Arty has had enough.  It's way past his bed time, he is having a meltdown.  So I say 'Isobel, we need to go now I'm afraid'.  Isobel: 'Can I take my juice' (meaning my combo drink).  Me: 'No, the glass belongs the pub, it's not ours'. Isobel: scream, fit, smack me in the face, kick, more kicking, more screaming, more smacking.  Oh my god.

Anyway, that was yesterday.  I gave them a very long bath.  They had turned into little prunes by the time I got them out.  But it was a calming moment for everyone.  Either that or I would have drunk gin at 4pm which is maybe a tad early?

Or maybe not?  Children.  Physically and emotionally exhausting.  But, when they are on tip top form, how lovely they can be.  Like today, in the swimming pool, Isobel declares 'I love you mummy'.  And that almost makes me cry.

The return of the night

I hoped never to have to write about it but here it is. The return of insomnia. One week so far, most nights, last night particularly bad. The valerian tea didn't seem to work but then again I have no idea how long it takes! It's really getting to me. I know you have to break the cycle but I just have this memory of the insomnia that went on for months after Isobel was born. I'm scared its some form of PND returning whilst also wondering if my thyroid levels blip they picked up a while ago bit then said was fine is really to blame. Mmmh.

I was going to write this last night bit its a bit tricky as we have our nephew staying at the moment. So not really anywhere to go as the young, they like to watch tv till late and then he's in our spare room. I've wondered whether the trigger is that there is someone else about. Someone else making noises that my annoying mothers ears pick up on. Why is that? Why do you hear everything once you have children, even through industrial strength earplugs?

I know I am not alone in not sleeping but I feel very alone and very trapped in the middle of the night when everyone else is zonko. I need to find a new routine which works without having a spare bed to go to. The advice is contradictory. Stay in bed and deep breath. Get up and go somewhere else to deep breath. Read a book. Don't read a book. Watch tv. Don't watch tv. And so on.

Isobel came into our bed last night at 4 am apparently. I heard her on the stairs whilst sleeping on the spare matress in artys room.  She doesn't normally but she has a bad cough. Funnily enough though I worry about precedent and habit. Will she start wanting to come to bed with us all the time etc. I found myself thinking about sleeping pills, herbal remedies and the like and my concerns with taking them, addiction, habit forming etc. I think maybe I am over analysing? I have now found the sleeping pills, ready for tonight if needed.

On a happier note, it was like something out of a scary film this morning when Peter woke me up whilst deep in slumber and dreams. I forgot where I was and turned round to find arty standing up in his cot looking at me! I was momentarily scared.

So my battle for better sleep will start anew. And in the meantime I will keep baking! We made a Danni fine Jamie Oliver chocolate tart last weelend, you could eat the mixture raw from the bowl in massive mouthfuls although health and safety would no doubt have a cow with all that raw egg! And we made Jamie bread which was great and the best bread I've made for agrs as it was basically a brick.

Isobel and I made malt loaf (health health) this weekend and, inspired by the bake-off also made some fondant fancies. We ran out of delicate pink rose water flavoured icing though. Instead we mixed the old blue and yellow and developed a whole new Halloween treat - the incredible hulk fancy!

Be Ro - milk fadge anyone?

So, after a few glasses of wine with a friend the other evening, we had a good chuckle about a recipe in my 1950s cookbook which I found at my mum and dad's house a while ago.  It was for a 'milk fadge'.  Never heard of it - but the proof is on the right handside.




So, Saturday came and Isobel and I decided that it was time to make the 'fadge'.  How hard could it be? Not hard at all it turned out.  In fact, the easiest thing I've ever made with Isobel.  And we even did a comparison bake - the Milk Bread.  I had to phone my mum to check that they had turned out roughly as expected - my granny used to make them apparently and serve them warm with butter and jam. So we did as suggested - and ate them warm, and I have to say, they were lovely!  We will be making our Christmas cake this year from the Be-Ro book - why not?  The current age of austerity and high food prices seems to tally quite well with the idea of 1950s Britain, food shortages and so on.

Fadge is on the left, milk bread is on the right!

The wonders of the Lakeland catalogue

OK, so this isn't the Lakeland catalogue, but instead a picture of Corfe Castle in Dorset.  We had a great holiday - I can't believe I'm back at work already.  If only we could win the lottery, pay off the mortgage and spend all our time on holiday! But that would require buying a ticket, and a massive miracle.

So, back to work. Oh the joys.  The trains are still rubbish - it was amazing how well they ran during the Olympics, like clockwork.  Then the Olympics finished and all I can think is that the bonuses stopped.  No more clockwork trains.

The dad of a very old friend of mine died while we were away.  I went to the funeral on Monday.  It was quite difficult (quite? I mean very - and he wasn't my dad!).  I was so incredibly impressed by her strength as she stood up and said some words about him and about the wonderful life he had lived.  How she could do that without breaking down I don't know.  It made me think though, it made me think of how lucky I am to have Peter, my two monkey children, and to still have my parents and brother.  I realise how many questions I have to ask my mum and dad - like how my mum makes her Christmas cake, what is was like to go on a big boat to Australia during the war, what the 60s were like for them!  I should write a list and ask them so I don't ever wish I had but never did.

Anyway, onto more positive tones.  Isobel has decided that she wants to be an ipad when she grows up.  How we laughed we she announced that one!  Arthur is running around cuddling everyone in sight which is lovely. And me? Well, I am still getting better I think.  The pills aren't needed anymore and I can't believe its about 6 months since I stopped.  It's still hard at times, but I'm monitoring it and can now quite clearly link it to the lovely monthly cycle.  So at certain times I should really just stick a sticker on my head and say 'keep away, I'm grumpy'. 

Durdle Door coastline (not the door itself of course).  One of my favourite spots!

I have also realise that what I need is a little adventure.  Holidays with family are great, I love them.  But I realise that before I had children I used to travel.  Quite a bit.  I traveled with work and on holiday - to some great and different places - Ethiopia, Rwanda, Uzbekistan, Northumberland (!) and so on.  Since becoming pregnant with Isobel more than 4 years ago I've been on a plane once (well, twice if you count coming back again).

It's a massive change.  I don't want my old life back in terms of traveling a lot with work etc., but I do want a little bit of travel again.  So, the plans are afoot.  It's off to Delhi and Orissa next year (for work, to see some toilets - 2.5 billion people don't have access to 'improved' sanitation - basically they poo in the open.  I'm off to look at work being done to try to help address this problem and understand how to do it in a cost effective way - i.e - build toilets that people actually use).  Then, and this is the exciting bit.  To Burma hopefully, with another very old friend.  Just a week but even so.  I am so excited at the thought.

To counter that excitement and help me sleep, I have found myself perusing the Lakeland catalogue.  Now Lakeland, for those who aren't familiar, is a shop which sells all sorts of stuff for the kitchen (and home) - from baking trays to peelers and knives.  And always some sort of crazy thing that you can't imagine anyone using.  Peter and I had a competition - to find the most useless looking item.  In the current catalogue, in order of perceived uselessness we have:

• the stuffing protector (£8) - not quite sure why string won't do...very closely followed by
• the tea tool 'no drips on worktops, no burnt fingers and no mess' - seems like glorified tongs for a teabag to us! (£4.49)
• the egg boiling machine (£11.99)

And finally, the Great British Bake Off - oh my, it's the final next week.  What will I do when it finishes AND there are no Olympics to watch!  I am going to place a bet I think, on James.  The Tank Top boy.  I love his flavours and use of Whiskey!

Dorset, Devon and Durdle Door

Finally, a holiday. It feels like an age since the last one. But then again, it was a year ago. I wonder if when Isobel goes to school it will help us take our holidays more regularly, even if we can't afford them due to inflated school holiday prices. She can camp in the garden I suppose!

So yes, here we are in sunny Devon, right on the border with an equally sunny Dorset. Now, I am emphasising the word 'sunny' as the rest of the country is being washed away as we speak but here we have blue skies and sun albeit with a bit of windy woo!

The best bit about this area is the coast. I love it. It reminds me of many an adventure when I was younger, BC. The Portland youth hostel, drinking gin on Chesil Beach, swimming at Lyme Regis, eating ice cream at Lulworth cove, walking up Golden Cap in a wee bit of fog, and of course, Durdle Door.

Tool Isobel there yesterday. I'm hoping she won't be traumatised. It was sooooo windy I was everso slightly concerned she might fall off. Distraction on the wall consisted of thinking about ice cream and favourite flavours. Girls like vanilla and boys like chocolate. Apparently.

I think she might have been underwhelmed by the door itself. 'Can I touch it mummy' she asked as she looked out from her precarious perch on the cliff edge at the waves crashing about at its base. Er, no. 'Oh'. And off we went again.

Ended the day with some wine and the Great British Bake Off. I am betting on Danni or Brendan at the moment as tank top boy seems to have gone off a bit. I can see Peter thinking of getting me a deep fat fryer after the donut making. I hope not. I would be fat as a house! A breadmaking course I could do though. Hint hint.

You're not my best friend anymore

 

Sharing more random photos of the Olympic Park - this time for the last day it was open and glorious sunshine was the order of the day!

So, I thought the phrases 'You're not my best friend anymore' and 'You're a silly banana head' would start at primary school.  You know, lots more kids, lots more older kids with older siblings, lots more potential to learn these types of phrases (and far far worse I imagine).  But no.  Nursery it seems is where it starts.

Yesterday I was not Isobel's best friend on a number of occasions.  The main one related to the fact that I played out the wicked witch character as I took Isobel away from a playdate (it was time to leave - I wasn't being too evil!) where she and her friend had dressed themselves up as Disney Princesses and were merrily prancing about.  Disney Princesses.  Where did that come from? I have no idea who they are - Peter has less than no idea and yet Isobel comes home one day talking incessantly about Belle and...well, Belle basically.  So I have learnt - we have Belle, we have Snow White and we have Sleeping Beauty.  And some more - whose names I still don't know.  And then apparently there are the Princes - not only Prince Charming but a whole load of other ones.  Is this what my life is to become?  Being a 'silly banana head' because I don't know the names of the Princesses?  I suppose it could be worse....

Some more random Olympic Shots - the Wheelchair Basket Ball and Goal Ball below - which was an intriguing game.  No idea whatsoever what the rules were!

Thinking about Disney Princess, Isobel earned enough stickers (new behaviour modification/bribery technique we are trying) to choose a magazine - she chose the Disney Princess Magazine.  I presume because it is just sooo pink.  It can't be because of the contents (can it?) because frankly they were rubbish in comparison with Thomas and Peppa magazines of the same ilk.

Anyway, I think I'm now back in Isobel's good books - perhaps because we are off camping tomorrow and after the success of the last trip, I splashed out on a ready bed which I thought would do her and then do Arthur when he is a bit bigger.  However, I have not yet told Isobel that the bed appears to be broken - after her excitement at seeing the bed, I think she might be slightly upset when she realises that it had to go back to the shop!  Mmmh.

I might have to make some chocolate brownies to make up for it!  The return of the Great British Bake off has inspired me again.  I want to bake. And bake.  And then eat it all.  Hence I am not baking (well, not very much), in case I turn into a brownie or a 'showstopper layered torte'.  I did however get inspired enough to make some rough puff pastry to go on Peter's home made pie.  Now it wasn't perhaps quite the right texture for Mr Hollywood but who cares, it tasted nice!  And thinking of Mr Hollywood, we are off camping with someone who looks just like him.  Here's hoping he can perhaps bake like him to - mmmh, imagine some lovely fresh croissants for breakfast!

Peter's pie (with home grown vegetables and left over chicken) - complete with rough puff!

And finally, back to the Jamie Oliver challenge which progresses (slowly though - slowly slowly catchy monkey...or something like that).  Last night was Thai Curry night - now I think the sauce might not have been intended to be quite the colour it came out but it tasted good, as did the chunky coconut and lime salsa.  Lots of limes in this little lot - 7 I think in total.  The curry paste was a little bit of a faff it must be said, well for a work night anyway, but it did taste good.  A friend has asked me how many more recipes I've got to go - unfortunately, quite a few!  There are more recipes in that book for sauces, dressings, pasta flavours etc than I thought possible.  Onwards and upwards as they say!  Maybe some bread next week.  Or semi freddo.  Or roast chicken.  So many choices!

Tomato, lime and coconut salsa

Green Thai Curry Paste

Today I had a little breakthrough

It was only a little breakthrough, but an important one.

It might sound a bit small and trivial but it confirmed in my mind how far I have come in the last year.  I'm still having blood tests for my thyroid (which if it comes back with an underactive thyroid would explain sooooo much) but whilst I wait for them, I am monitoring my mood and monthly cycle to try to understand what is going on - and there is definately a pattern!  Before I had kids I never really noticed the 'time of the month' - now it's like all hell has been let loose!  It's almost like when the egg is released, I feel this amazing surge of rage and lack of patience and the same thing then comes back when my period comes! It's nuts! Why did no one warn me that this might happen (mind you, why did no one warn me about a lot of things after having a baby - like not quite being able to hold your wee in when you run too fast down a hill! Ha ha, the joys).  Anyway, Peter is surviving (just), although being a man he hasn't quite figured out the pattern and so is always a bit shocked when I am not my normal happy self!

Anyway, back to the breakthrough.  Basically, at tea this evening, Isobel and Arty were having yoghurt and fruit - you know, the frozen kind of berries which make the yoghurt go all lovely and pink....and it seems, stain the wall and anything which happens to be white!  Isobel declares she wants to sit next to me, I try to encourage to stay in her chair (she's got ants in her pants at the moment at meal times).  I fail.  She gets up, with pink staining fruit and yoghurt in bowl and in her hand, she trips and drops the bowl.  The yoghurt mess goes everywhere - really, everywhere.  Up the walls, all over the floor, up the chairs, all over Isobel etc etc.

This time last year, in mid-PND, that would have caused me to flip my lid and raise my stress levels.  It was that kind of thing which I just couldn't cope with - the thought of having to clear up again, the fact that Isobel wouldn't do as she was asked etc.  But today, I took a deep breath, gave her a cuddle, joked that it had almost reached as far as Scotland and sat her back down with some new yoghurt and fruit whilst the clear up took place.  And that's when I noticed that it stains - really stains.  Lesson learnt - don't have white walls in the kitchen!


Oh, and we baked today.  Chocolate brownies from the Hummingbird Cookbook.  Unfortunately, with friends round too we ate them all before any picture could be taken, but they were yummmmmmy and good for the soul.

My favourite food is.....gruffalo crumble!

So, last weekend I went to Brixton Market with a friend for brunch.  I've not been for years so it was nice to have a bit of time sans les enfants to potter about.  So many food options in the market and the 'Brixton Village', including of course, the well known Franco Mancas pizza place (http://francomanca.co.uk/).  We had noodles with chilli for brunch and it really made me think about those years I spent in tropical climates eating noodles for breakfast.  It's lovely!!

Anyway, I'm digressing.  So, Isobel has been very well, erm, 'spirited' (or maybe I should say challenging) lately!  Not helped by her sudden wish to get up at 4am - normally because something has broken such as the Peppa Pig watch or her hairband or.....anything she can think of really.  I'm wondering if we'll have to start some tough love as I hate that time of the morning. Always brings back those memories of insomnia!  She has clearly decided to be a defiant child of late though - I've moved on from marbles (I kept forgetting and we had to keep putting them away to stop Arthur eating them!) to a sticker chart.  It seems to work but let's see.  Today she has been quite delightful to her brother which has been lovely - and she loves telling him the rules 'Arthur, we don't hit, that's the rule'...followed by 'Arthur, I'm going to tell my mummy on you'.

We've had a weekend of cookery which has been a great way to spend the bank holiday, interspersed with trips to playground, swimming and a party.  Even daddy cooked - using the products from the garden he cooked up a Gruffalo Crumble (recipe can be downloaded from the Gruffalo.com website).

Isobel helped me make meatballs (Jamie Oliver again - god bless).  She wanted to smell the ingredients - rosemary (yuck mummy), garlic (yuck mummy), cumin (yuck mummy), chilli (can I eat this mummy?) and make her very own little meat balls - some of which were soooo small but when I tried to suggest making them bigger was told 'don't be silly mummy, they are for the children'.  So there you go.

We baked cinnamon buns too - which I have to say were the best start to the day this morning when suffering from a massive hangover (I blame Peter and his 'fancy a nightcap?' which consisted of a very large nightcap and subsequently a very very large headache!).

And, to kickstart the Jamie Oliver campaign again, I've made hummus.  For a light tea I think before going to bed at 8 to recover from last night!!!

So the Olympics are over.....but the sun is out!

Yes, we had a great time! It was such a happy two weeks, not sure it was quite worth £9billion but oh well - it's spent now and we all had fun (well, this family did anyway!).

One afternoon, whilst watching the diving, Isobel appeared.  She watched, quietly in the background as they dived off those 10m boards.  'Can you do that mummy?'.  Ha ha, how I wished I could but I think my fear of heights will stop me.  The next day she was practicing at the side of the baby pool.....now then, diving off 10m boards, not something I imagine I would be very good at watching her do if she did decide she wanted to give it a go!

I'm just posting a few pictures of the Olympic park as it looked so lovely.  Aren't these flowers great?

So, I've had a blood test for my thyroid.  Now they say it's fine but I might be anaemic! So another blood test is needed.  A friend who has an underactive thyroid said that there are links between all these things from the research she has done.  Let's see what happens!  Interestingly, there are also reports about the happy pills I took (Sertraline) and thyroid problems, although it doesn't appear to be statistically significant research in terms of a strong relationship! Still, it might explain it.

One of the highlights of the olympics was us watching Usain Bolt in the 200m semi finals.  My goodness that man can run.  I laughed though.  Mo Farrah runs a 5 km in what, 12 mins?  And looks like he's barely exerted himself.  I run 5km in about 30 mins and look like a beetroot!  Don't think I have those Olympic genes somehow!!!

Next week we plan to get back to some Jamie Oliver cooking as he's taken a backseat for a while.  However, there are two other contenders for our cooking attention - the Great British Bake Off is back! Hoorah.  And they made bagels last night - which has inspired me again!  The other contender is a 50s buffet party after I found a 1950s cookbook of my granny's in my mum and dad's loft.  Some tuna vol-o-vont, shrimp boats and babycham!  Bring it on

One week until our Olympic visit.

The excitement is building. We are off to see the athletics next Wednesday and we can't wait! Then we're off to the paralympics with the kids. Isobel declared she wants to 'go Olympics' and was even chanting "allez wiggo" yesterday. Very good. I'd be amazed if our kids end up cycling like that, they aren't the smallest. Swimming maybe. I was imagining what it might be like to have a child in an Olympic final after watching that south African win against Phelps and I think I would be rubbish. I would have to hide and not watch!!!

Anyway, its been Olympic excitement in our house this week. My good friend was over from Australia so there was an opportunity to refind a bit of the old me. How? I went for a walk in the country with an OS map and no buggy! It was great. Even had a cream tea.

Then it was off for more torch action, and I must say that we came across a lot of policemen from merseyside! They were having a great time.

We also went to an Olympic party on the friday night which was also a great reminder of the old me, staying out till 230 am and jumping around like a nutter!

Interestingly I've also been back to the doctor about some blood tests I had. Apparently my thyroid is underactive, or at least they think its going that way. Now that would explain quite a bit! I had my thyroid tested last year when I was feeling quitr low but it came back fine apparently. So this time there has been a dramatic shift. I've been told that changes in thyroid function can be related to childbirth. And symptoms of low thyroid include dry skin and hair, sleep problems, moodiness, depression etc. So quote a few things that I have had over the past years. I wonder if the next blood test will confirm it.....

Anyway, bring on the athletics next week. We are excited!

Teddy needs to go through a scanner..

But why?

Because he does....

And so went a conversation between mum and daughter this morning on their way to the beach volleyball...

And its so quiet in town its lovely!

The Olympics are coming......

The Olympic fever has hit - there is pink (well, maybe purple) everywhere you look in London and on my way to work on Monday I noticed a whole new pavement had been built! Great for the pedestrians like me....not so great for the buses and everyone else trying to drive.  Answer - we should all walk more - better for the planet, better for our health, better for the NHS budget!

Anyway, I digress.  Isobel and Arthur went to see the torch on Friday.  I say went to see the torch.  They were dragged along by me, despite their protests (ok - these were more on the way home when tiredness kicked in) and we all sat and had a picnic (at the side of the road of course) whilst we waited.  The Coca Cola bus was there as well as some other random sponsor-related traffic (eg. Lloyds cars and people with big green balloons!)

And fun was had! Ok I had to hold Isobel on my shoulders and Arty in my arms which almost caused a seizure but we saw the flame!  Getting home from the flame was a different matter - lots of tantrums by a collapsed little girl who decided the middle of the road was the best place to undertake such an activity! 'Set some boundaries' someone at work said - as if I haven't set a 'don't collapse in the middle of the road boundary'....

Anyway.  Moving on, Peter and I have also been undertaking a bit more naked Chef-ing, this time testing out some Jamie O recipies for fennel.  So we had a lovely risotto with seafood and fennel which was very very yummy (lots of chilli to which is always good) and then followed this with encrusted seared tuna with a fennel and chilli salsa.  Both of these recipes are strongly recommended - really really yummy.  Kids didn't manage to eat any this time though!

Look at that delicately sprinkled fennel on the top there - nouvelle cuisine I think!

And finally, after months of having it sit on the shelf, we broke out the 10 Minute Solutions Pilates Video.  'No problem, my arms are really strong' said Peter as we started the 10 minute arm work out.  at the end the lady says 'Good Job' (with a very strong American accent).  Peter and I can barely lift our arms!  Still, a change from running.

Aaggghhhh, mummy, daddy.....

Were the calls from outside the bedroom at 6am this morning. So much for the lie in!

First thought, she fell out of bed.  Second thought, she has been sick/done a poo/done a wee. Third thought, a nightmare.

What else could have Isobel in such a state at such an early hour (she normally sparko till 7)?

'I dropped my pink hairband'......

Of course. Now why didn't I think of that.

The chef/chefess is tired!

Look at that - home made farfalle!

We have been so busy! I am sooo tired.

I am still chuckling over 'Can I give them back yet?' which makes people look at me on the train.  In particular I found myself chuckling at stories of the 'post-natal' period and in particular those first few nights in hospital when your partner gets sent home at 8pm leaving you there with a new baby, no sleep, no idea what you are doing, and highly likely, quite unhelpful night staff (well, in my case they were unhelpful, quite is being too polite!).  The description in the book was so apt - 'your partner gets sent home at 8pm to drink champagne, have some sleep and congratulate themselves on their amazing virility'.  Ha ha, so true.

And then I think about the following morning when I sat on the edge of the bed waiting for visiting hours to start....and the appointed hour came...and no visitor to relieve me and let me go and have a shower!  I forgot that it was a Bank Holiday and I'd asked him to go and get some supplies!  I remember watching the woman opposite me, on baby number 3, who merrily put a dummy in, swaddled her baby and wandered off for a few hours to 'go get some faaagggsss'.  There I was, wondering - can I leave her? What happens if I leave her? Will someone take her? I must not leave her.  Where is my husband? Where has my brain gone?

Then Arty was born. I went to have a shower and didn't wait for any visitors.  Poor Arty.

Anyway, I digress.  Peter and I have been very busy on the Jamie O Naked Chef challenge front.  Firstly, Peter made a Chicken and Ginger broth from the left over chicken (with noodles, ginger, chilli and other such lovely things).  It was very easy, very quick and very very yummy.  So strongly recommended for a mid-week meal! Yum yum.

Then we moved on - this time to seared scallops with crispy bacon and puy lentils.  What can I say? I've never cooked with scallops before so this was all a novelty.  The lentils were great (and went well with sausages later in the week!) and the scallops only took a few moments to cook.  Now then, the picture perhaps doesn't do it justice, and I'm sure Jamie O would be shocked, but it was really really yummy and really really easy!

Look - it's steaming hot it's so fresh!

And finally, we made pasta.  Why did make more pasta? Well, mainly because we have embarked on a vegetable box trial so we now have some vegetables to use up - namely courgettes, green cauliflower, fennel and other things such as cherry tomatoes (all gone), red peppers (think I might stuff these) etc etc.

So, we made some pasta (see the farfalle above) and made the tagliatelle with courgette, lemon and basil.

Hence, we are shattered.  Too much cooking.

But have had some culture too - a trip to see the Gruffalo live at the theatre which was great (despite the calls/screams for 'I want to see the Gruffalo again mummy') and today I had a meeting in an office with a great view over London.  Just a shame that as with the rest of the summer so far, the weather was basically pants.

Here is the Shard on your left and the wheel below.

The Naked Chef-ess Returns!

Oh my, how much did this remind me of school????

 
Whilst Peter was out running for a worthy cause, I distracted myself from the never ending rain by cooking us all a sunday roast! Not necessarily the best thing to do on your own with two small children who can't go outside because it's so wet and who therefore tried to create world war three in the kitchen....my patience was not that good!

But we persevered and out came the lovely Jamie Oliver book again - I really should count how many recipes I've got to get through!  Today we tried roast chicken and steamed jam sponge (see above).  The jam sponge was such a doddle to make - no suet, just butter, but it came out absolutely lovely and light - the photo above doesn't really give you the scale of the pudding but needless to say it was about the size of a pyrex pudding basin (?3 litres?) and we ate quite a bit (together with some custard from the lovely Birds!).  So that gets lots and lots of points.

Then there was the chicken - now we've done this before many times and it always turns out well.  He basically suggests stuffing herbs and oil between the chicken meat and the skin on the breast.  Really lovely.  The kids loved it too!

Looks a bit dry but was actually really nice and just about right!

Home grown potatoes - oh yes!

Right, now time for coffee and to watch some tennis I do believe!

South Sudan - running for a great cause in the pouring rain!

Peter has been running the British 10k this morning, in the pouring rain. He got back from South Sudan having spent a month working out there to help set up the refugee response and ran this run to help raise some money to support operations such as this.

Please donate if you can: Http://www.justgiving.com/HelenandPeterM 

What is going on in South Sudan? Here are some links:

South Sudan refugees - http://www.nytimes.com/2012/07/07/world/africa/refugee-children-dying-at-alarming-rate-in-south-sudan-aid-groups-say.html

South Sudan situation critical - http://www.voanews.com/content/unhrc_sudan_south_sudan_refugee_aid_crisis/1364596.html

Green fingers? Who me?

Now then, would you look at that - a green pepper! Growing on our windowsill.  We have loads! So, we will mainly be eating peppers, potatoes, onions, garlic and leeks for the next few months!!

I'm pleased with myself as I've kept them growing and looking well while Peter has been away and even the tomatoes in the garden look good!

So, Peter is back - hoorah! The kids are beside themselves with excitement.  I'm beside myself with tiredness as suddenly I can stop and relax - and guess what, more insomnia! I hate insomnia.  But I'm getting better at dealing with it.  Anyway, the level of excitement with the kids is quite entertaining - it's like they have forgotten that mummy was looking after them day in, day out for a whole month! Mummy? Who is mummy? I want daddy!

And so I've been really chuckling as I read this book which was recommended to me as a bit of a light read.  How true so much of it is:

This won't spin round to be the right way up for some reason so you'll have to bend your head!

It's really making me chuckle.  It could have been written by me (but it's not and I can't write like this - but it's made me feel so much better that I'm not alone with some of my thoughts at times!) And here are a few snippets which had me laughing, especially the one related to daddy coming back!

DAD GLAMOUR

You're the primary carer, but as soon as Dad walks in, wow, they're cheering like it's snowing giant party bags stuffed with Gogos and fluffy kittens.  Now, to quote my four-year-old, that's not fair.

ALCOHOL

....you forget about the restorative powers of two Anadin, a cup of camomile tea and an early night.  Instead, you speed-read your way through The Gruffalo in order to get the Shiraz cracked open by 7.05.....

ENJOYING IT
.....appropriate questions to ask someone recently delivered of a child (as opposed to 'are you enjoying it')....

•  Are you tyrannised by parenting books
• Were you terrified of doing your first poo after labour? (ha ha - my husband was unaware of this issue until I laughed at the thought as I remembered the fear!!!)
• Have you rung NHS direct yet?

Anyway, onto more serious matters.  One of the things I read in the book sparked my interest in terms of a comment about research which had been undertaken on childcare options and impact on development.  It made me think of the guilt section of the book - the guilt trip society places on new mums in particular for not breastfeeding, not sneezing their baby out whilst listening to mozart etc.  And this comment made me think of the never ending media coverage about how parents are so bad for sending their kids to nurseries because they will be disfunctional and then the next day, how mothers need to get back to work and stop staying at home, then the next day how we all ought to have a nanny and so on and so on.

I did a quick google search for some stories to illustrate it:

• Nursery care = children turning into yobs - http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-446564/Nurseries-turning-children-yobs.html
• Are nurseries bad for our kids - http://www.guardian.co.uk/education/2004/jul/08/schools.uk
• Nurseries are better than grandparents - http://www.guardian.co.uk/education/2009/feb/10/grandparents-childcare-pre-schoolhttp://www.guardian.co.uk/education/2009/feb
• Working mums are happier - http://www.everydayhealth.com/womens-health/1213/working-moms-vs-stay-at-home-moms-whos-happier.aspx
• Stay at home mums are more depressed - http://www.parentdish.co.uk/2012/05/23/stay-at-home-mums-more-angry-depressed-and-laugh-less-than-working-mothers/
• Is childcare bad for children (childcare which you need to go to work to be 'happier' apparently) - http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/insight-therapy/201010/is-non-parental-daycare-bad-children

Best not to read these things I think is the answer!

And I finish on another happy note - I made a fabric tray.  I've been meaning to make one for ages but finally managed it, the night before Peter came home.  Mainly to stop  Peter putting his keys and other 'kipple' down on my newly painted windowsill!

One week to go!

My attempt at a 'time out' bottle

 So the dark cloud which was hanging over me last week has moved on I think.  I've had a much better weekend and I've been pondering different approaches to try to manage my reaction to Isobel's behaviour as well as try to manage her behaviour (can you really? I remember my mum saying 'WYSIWYG' - mainly about men but who knows, maybe you could apply it to little people too!).

Anyway, I made a time out bottle.  I found it on Pinterest (!) (http://mycrazyblessedlife.com/2011/10/03/relax-bottletime-out-timer/) and Isobel and Arty both love it.  Not sure it really does the trick as a time out bottle but never mind.  She has taken it shopping with her and I keep thinking I really must glue the lid on everytime I see Arty pretend to drink it! 

I am also going to make a marble jar and think about how to earn marbles for good behaviour.  I tried sticker charts - everyone told me 'try sticker charts' - maybe that works with kids who like stickers rather than ones who really don't care about them! She has no interest in stickers.  Which is possibly a good thing as I could end up with stickers all over the walls of the house I suppose!

One week to go until Peter is home - hooray!  I thought I would summarise a few of the exciting things I can tell him about in pictures (I didn't get a picture of a dark grey cloud which would have reflected some of my feelings so here are some others!):

A snail at Hever castle - snails have also eat the bulk of his aubergines, despite me trying to rescue them!

Hever Castle itself - lovely for a day out and there is a troll under the bridge!

Potatoes from the garden.....oh yes we have lots

Rose garden at Hever castle - if only

And Roses in the back garden - last year they were tiny, this year we have far more!

Something to look forward to - going for a run and going to see some running!