What is it I am doing wrong?

I am at a loss. Maybe it is worse because Peter is away and I'm not getting much rest from looking after the kids, not getting out for my so important runs and so on. But I am beginning to despair. Isobel is just so mean to her brother. She is such hard work, so demanding, so full of screams just because she wants to go outside, then she doesn't, then she does so she just screams and shouts for ages.  It does my head in sometimes. Then on top of that she is so mean to her brother. She takes everything away from him, shuts doors on him, pushes him over etc etc. He now cowers when she goes near him.

It breaks my heart. It brings a strange feeling of real sadness with real anger. I see other people with lovely photos of their little ones laughing and smiling together. I have none. She has never really laughed and smiled with him, just hit him.

I don't know what to do. Is she angry that he came along and took attention away from her? Probably but she still gets loads of attention, cuddled, isobel time and so on. Her behaviour just attracts negative attention. Does she have some other behaviour issue linked to me having PND for most of her first years of life which wasnt picked up!

Is she angry that Peter has gone away and so is wanting constant attention from me even if it means being put on time out.  What scares me is that momentarily I feel like I'm slipping back into those thoughts I had when the PND was still here. Mainly I just want a break and I want Isobel to not clobber her brother. I'm secretly longing for the day he is bigger than her and clobbers her back!

It's PPPPPPPEPPA PIG Mummy.....

And so it is!  I finally found the photo I took of Peppa and George on the Spa Valley Railway last weekend.  It did make me smile - the sheer excitement in the queue waiting to see them and then the panic when they got up close!  Anyway, I thought they looked good in this photo so I would share it!

It's been a funny old week really.  I have had more sleep after Sunday - though on Sunday and Monday my Insomnia returned.  I tried really hard to think of all the tips I'd gone through with the counsellor to deal with my reaction and remain calm and guess what - it worked! So I slept OK - not as well as usual but OK.  I have found that this herbal tea by Dr Stuart helps in terms of calming down (the valerian one is great but I worried a little that I might be so sound asleep that I wouldn't hear the little ones!).

I was at home earlier in the week, I'm lucky really as my work is pretty good at supporting flexible working which makes being 'home alone' a lot easier.  I could just drop the kids off at nursery and then come home and carry on.  It is a bit of a challenge though when Peter is away as not going into the office means you're even more isolated that you might otherwise be.   I'd read that some of the roads were closed in London near the office (the Olympics apparently.....) so I thought I'd walk this morning rather than get on my bike as surely then I could walk across St James' Park (my favourite park in London).  How wrong was I! I asked a 'steward' whether there was any access to the park, very politely as the rubrick wasn't completely clear and was met by a standard surly 'no, go round'.  I hope they improve their customer relations by the time the Olympics start!

Mid week, and despite my plan otherwise, I found myself tempting back to Jamie Oliver.  I was pondering what to cook the kids for lunch that would be relatively healthy and be a bit different so I plumped for the Meatballs recipe (from the Naked Chef of course) together with the tomato sauce.  And to top it off, I had it with some of the pasta I'd made earlier with Peter.  Verdict - really really easy, really really tasty and the kids loved it!  I would strongly recommend!

It doesn't look as good as it was in real life!

Then, we were lucky as in the office today we got to see Ang San Suu Kyi who I think is a remarkable lady and it was really was quite an opportunity to be able to see her.  It lifted my spirits really, as have the kids this evening who have been delightful.  Isobel wanted me to draw a picture of her daddy in a tent (he is in a tent in the refugee area of South Sudan - here is a link to some press coverage of the situation there -  http://allafrica.com/stories/201206210834.html).  So we did, and then she got a bit upset - I think because I mentioned he might have a beard when he got back and her parting words to me this evening were 'mummy, I want my daddy but I don't want a beard'.....

I thought I would end with a snippet from Peter about his work in Sudan - it's not getting a lot of press coverage so this is my little bit to raise it:

I am going towards the Sudan border today to have a look at refugee camps and reception centres where there is a significant malnutrition problem which we may take action on. In the meantime we are desperately trying to build up our campsite so that it will be habitable before Friday when we have to leave the comparative luxury (pit latrine, bucket shower) of the MSF compound.

There are about 2000 people a day being bussed up from the border, but there are no supplies here to give them so for the moment they are arriving, receiving a bucket and a cooking pot and that's it. No tents, so they are just sat out there under trees with very little to sustain them. There is no where near enough water and sanitation provision so I have to keep my eyes peeled so as not to step in human poo.

It's been a tough old day...

Oh my.  Is it the PND? I don't think so.  I think it's just one of those things - too little sleep, too much screaming!

I have had a rough old day.  It started rough - burst nappies and poo everywhere, no babywipes in sight, screaming Arthur!  I didn't sleep well so was tired anyway.  Isobel woke up and was in quite a delightful mood but then Daddy phoned - obviously I'm pleased Peter phoned but I do wonder if that is what sets them off.  And if they are 'set off' then I end up being 'set off' when I've not had enough sleep.  Peter is on the phone, Isobel is attempting to talk to him but can't and so just walks off with the phone, comes back and tries to get Arty to speak to him.  It's a failure.  The line is very bad.  They can't really hear him but are aware that he is there.  He is trying to talk to them, Isobel starts jumping on Arthur, Peter is trying to say hello to Arthur, Arthur is saying 'dada, dada' and then I just have to go.  We are already very late in leaving to go to a party in the lovely Portsmouth and they aren't paying any attention and I can't hear Peter to talk to him myself!

So, we're all a bit fraught after that.  In the car on the way down we're doing OK - they are both doing really well considering the length of time we have to spend in the car.  Don't they just sleep is often the question I am asked? Sleep? You're having a laugh.  Isobel spent the entire journey saying 'mama' (not sure where that has come from) and wanting to play I-spy.....

But then disaster struck - my phone froze and sent us off (via sat nav) on some random journey which meant we were even later than late....and Arthur starting screaming (hunger) and Isobel started screaming (?sympathy?) and we were lost somewhere in the suburbs of Portsmouth.  I had a meltdown in the car.  I just wanted some silence so I could concentrate on not ending up in Southampton!

At the party I thought everything would be good.  Isobel and Arty know everyone and there were lots of kids to entertain them and adults to talk to them! But no.  Arty didn't want to stop crying unless I held him and Isobel didn't want to be anywhere except clinging on to me!  I couldn't even go to the toilet!  I don't think it helped me eat a good balanced lunch that's for certain!

Eventually it got too much, the screaming, the clinging - I just flipped - I couldn't help it.  I rushed to find a space, any space where I could just be on my own (and ideally scream really really loudly!).  But there wasn't really anywhere and the only place I could think of was the toilet - but I had a clinging daughter and I just shouted 'Isobel, leave me alone'.  Then I felt so very terrible for shouting.  Luckily, old friends were all around so they managed to remove her from my leg and then took me off for a walk to have a bit of space.

It's funny, I don't know how single parents do it.  Perhaps they have lots of family close by - we don't. It reminds me of when Arthur was very small and Peter was busy with work every evening for about 3 months.  I was beside myself - having to do all the baths, all the nappies, dealing with all the screaming.  Friends all help out - but no one can help during the witching hour as they are all doing it themselves!

Isobel basically wanted to cling onto me again once I was back.  Arty was asleep but soon started crying again when he woke up.  I wondered if it's because they had been reminded that daddy wasn't there.  Is it right or wrong to get them to talk to him when he is away? He wants to speak to them but I'm wondering whether it just upsets them as well as me?

The journey home consisted of more screaming, long traffic jams and a bit more screaming.  I screamed in the car.  I just wanted to be home, asleep and not stuck in a car with yet more screaming.

So, is it PND? No, I odn't think so.  I think I got out of bed the wrong side and stayed that way and just lost all ability to calmly ignore the day!  Perhaps because I've had two clinging children every day for over a week and just want to go for a little walk on my own and not to the office!

Oh well.  White wine and chocolate cake for tea.  Not the healthiest, but very very nice!

What an inspiring girl!

This has been all over the news today and I'm not surprised. I have been quite inspired. NeverSeconds: I think you know why I don't have a picture today ...: I think you know why I don't have a picture today but I will have on Monday! Thanks to everyone that has helped to get my blog back on track...

Where is Noah's Ark?

So apparently we are in a state of drought. We have a hose pipe ban. We have water butts. I know the rain is ideally meant to come in the winter, to recharge the groundwater.....but since they announced the drought restrictions what has happened? Rain. Rain. Rain. Oh my god I feel I am slowly going mouldy! I might even have to get Isobels toy ark out and prepare it for a great get away!

The trouble with rain is that the kids get all grumpy. They don't go outside as much. The sky is dark. It's not good for someone just over PND whose husband has gone away for a month and who is longing to see the sun! If its still raining tomorrow I think we might well build some toy boats and take them out somewhere in the garden to see where they go!

So, its day 4 of no Peter. Everything is just a rush. Rush to get dressed and have breakfast before the kids get up, rush to get them ready and to nursery, rush to get the train (I have borrowed Peter's brompton to save time.....ha ha, how everyone looked at me as I tried to remember how to fold it up and ended up covered in oil!), rush to get to the office, rush to get all the work done, rush to get home....oh and eventually remember to eat my lunch.....and so on.

I have however learnt from the past year and my struggles with depression. I am therefore going to try to make things easy for myself. One thing that is going for the month is my attempt to cook all the Jamie O recipes. I love cooking. I find it relaxing but I also need to find tume to just sit in the evening and rest. Overdoing it was one of the many causes of the PND I think.

Last time Peter went away for this long was just before Arthur was born. I remember how I felt. At the time there was no mention of depression but I knew something wasn't right, I just didn't really admit it to myself let alone anyone else. I remember lying on the floor screaming alongside Isobel who was also screaming. I just thought how I had had enough, how I was such a bad mother, how I resented my daughter and my husband for changing my life in such a dramatic way, how I didn't think I could cope with another child and so on. I was distraught. I then felt terribly guilty for having these thoughts, convinced myself that that meant I was a terrible mother.

Looking back on it I think it was a sign that the depression was there, that I was exhausted and needed help. I wish I had acted on that then but the next day I felt fine. It's easy not to talk to someone when you feel ok, they need to be there when you are having a really bad day.

I still have bad days when I wonder what on earth I am doing. I know now that everyone does. But I also see all the positives and am able to take a deep breath and laugh about the situation rather than cry. I thank my health visitor, husband and friends for that. Oh, and those little pills I was so scared of taking!

Naked Cheff-ess makes pasta!

Minted pea and asparagus risotto from le Naked Chef

So, on returning from sunny Preston it was back to the Jamie Oliver challenge.  Another set of asparagus recipes given that it's in season.  A little bit of info about asparagus - English asparagus is yummy yummy when it's in season.  Peruvian asparagus is also found in the shops - supporting the livelihoods of those in Peru and helping to raise GDP in the area but with big environmental impacts.  If you are interested in reading more, look at:

 http://www.guardian.co.uk/environment/2010/sep/15/peru-asparagus-british-wells

Anyway, back to Jamie O.  We have mainly made two recipes this week - minted pea and asparagus risotto and asparagus and ricotta tortellini.  Both from the Naked Chef.

Now then, the risotto was easy, we make lots of risotto and the kids love it (Arty loves moist food - so risotto is normally always a hit!).  The mint made it taste lovely and summery which was needed given the rubbish weather.  So, the minted pea and asparagus risotto gets good marks.

Next up, tortellini.  This required making pasta.  Ha ha. This was actually quite easy - I was quite surprised!  You can basically make it all in the food processor, kneed it a little bit and then put it in the fridge.   The filling was a little bit more time consuming to be honest - you basically cook up the asparagus with some garlic, then add the ricotta and some mint.  The preparing of the asparagus was the time consuming bit.

Pasta begins to take shape!

Then onto the next stage - making the pasta dough look like pasta.  What fun we had.  We found my mum and dad's old pasta machine and off to work we went!  It was quite good fun - we seemed to end up with loads!  After filling the tortellini (took quite a while....so not something to do when you are hank marvin as we were - doesn't lead to particularly well crafted tortellini as you're too desperate to eat something!), we ended up with some left over so made a bit of tagliatelle as well.  I looked up how to freeze it and found a few good links:

http://www.jamieoliver.com/forum/viewtopic.php?pid=254119

and

http://www.dailyunadventuresincooking.com/2009/05/how-to-freeze-homemade-pasta.html/

The finished product - and it was very yummy!

 
Peter is off to South Sudan tomorrow for a month.....I'm in sole charge....I'm already slightly worried about how much gin I might have to consume!  When I'm in sole charge it always makes me think of how hard being a single parent must be.  We don't have a lot of family nearby so have to rely very much on friends but when it's just you, you can't go out as easily, you don't get that little rest from the screaming at the weekend and you basically rush to work, rush around at work and then rush back.  Hopefully it might mean I shed a few pounds (I ate a bit of cake over the jubilee you see!).

I won't be able to go running much which will be hard but luckily I've found a few exciting things to take Isobel to - Peppa Pig on the Spa Valley Railway, Wisley (why not - we've not been for at least....erm, well 3 weeks!) and the Gruffalo!  I'm almost more excited than she is!

Rain rain go away....

The current inclement weather is reminding me of October rather than June! Not helped by the howling wind.  I felt sorry for the poor Queen last week on her boat - out there in the rain and then the sun came out for the concert and all that hula hooping by Grace Jones (did she have some sort of magnetic belt to help keep it up?).

Isobel and Arthur had a lovely Jubilee weekend.  Isobel was obsessed by the Aldi Facepaints (£1.50 - bargain....luckily it didn't peel her skin off either which was a slight concern!).  She even painted mummy and daddy with some red white and blue!  We were in Preston for the Jubilee - and it rained and was cold.  But then again it was cold and wet everywhere!  We dragged the kids to some Jubilee event which was moved indoors and had a particularly depressing band playing - not an upbeat song was played which didn't help the weather!  Isobel went to watch the dogs doing some form of dog show but they were frankly hating the wind and rain as much as everyone else and refused to jump over their jumps!

But, stiff upper lip and all that, we weren't to be put off!  A hog roast sarnie was had (good crackling) and Isobel jumped about on a very wet trampoline and then promptly came home and made some bunting - very Blue Peter!  Pretty good don't you think!

All in all a good weekend, lots of cake, lots of dancing, lots of bunting and balloons.  Oh and a trip out to the pub without any kids! God bless the long weekend.

What no bunting?

So, a week in Norfolk. The longest I've been away from kids for, well, since Isobel was born. Three nights! I went running, saw lots of rabbits and failed to get to bed at 7!!

I was intrigued by the use of slam door trains on the way to Norfolk....I thought they had got rid of them all but no! The east of England has kept them and kept the vomit making virgin pendulum trains (or whatever they are called) at bay!

Had a lovely day with les enfants today. Isobel had her first ever haircut. It made me shed a tear or two. She looked so lovely with a pink towel wrapped round her shoulders and she was so good we had to go and have a treat, some yummy carrot cake.

In the car this evening on the monster road trip up north, past the cars covered in bunting (yes, really!), Isobel refused resolutely to sleep. Chat chat chat for hours. As Peter had his sarnies and pie, Isobel kept chirping 'what?what?' to daddy's description of what he was eating.

It's not what its pardon.....

Mummy, can I have a piece of pardon?

We almost choked on our pie! She is asleep now. We are off to see family and hopefully more bunting for her Maj as Isobel loves it.

Oh, and we made a cake. Inspired by waitrose. Best not to ask how we keep the polka dots on!!!